Monthly Archives: September 2014

Remembering my Fire.

I keep a small printed copy of this Audre Lorde quote in my bag:

“You cannot, you cannot use someone else’s fire. You can only use your own. And in order to do that, you must first be willing to believe that you have it.” — I Am Your Sister: Collected and Unpublished Writings of Audre Lorde

I don’t know how clear it is but I’ve loved Audre Lorde like a far away Mama since I first saw her writing as a kidlet.

There are so many areas of my day to day life where I am doing or feeling too many things and her voice is one of the ones in my head, chiding, explaining, telling me no.

In the last few years while I’ve been writing more nonfiction and whatnot, I’ve developed a bit of spidey sense when I start feeling like my Blackness is the root of a problem.

People assume I’ve done no research, that I’ve done no reading, that if I wrote something this year it is a brand new thought. I obviously am not X thing professionally so how I can I write about it.

After talking to some older and more experienced writers, I have had to redefine how I feel about these things and how I engage in them.

This is also part of why I kinda retired from fatty blogging. There came a point when I was getting on average 4-6 privately sent messages from people who fully believe that since I’m not as fat as I used to be, nothing I say has meaning.

I’ve noticed that when it comes to cherry picking anything I have to say, it only bothers me for a minute. Logically, I remind myself that if someone wants or needs to hang their entire dislike of me or my work on a phrase or sentence, I got nothin for em.

Emotionally shit has been rough. Learning new ways to deal with the idea that I am not enough has been good but hard.

Resuming blogging in my own wee space has helped.

What else?

I FINALLY picked my wig for Fall/Winter and it is on the way. I’m super excited because this dampness and humidity is making my hair difficult to deal with.

Uniballer and I are also working on making me a craft/beauty corner in our apartment. We’re looking at a set up where I can put my sewing machine, put my make up on and do youtube videos. Holy shit exciting.

I’ve finally started being able to get shawl sales going. It was way more difficult in terms of how I feel about letting myself be a maker than I anticipated.

Referring to the quote up there, I’ve long felt that I spend a lot of time giving myself good reasons not to believe I have fire. Thinking of it from a slightly different view, learning to allow myself fire about things that don’t make me money immediately or cost money to do, has been important.

Pleasure.

I’m realizing just how much I’ve learned to punish myself (economically especially) for having pleasures that aren’t free or lucrative.

It has become pretty clear to me that part of me figuring shit out is that I have to ignore my first instinct in a lot of ways and that is fucking terrifying.

I will have some craft related pictures soonish. I have some finished items that aren’t shawls that I want to list as well.

Here’s to giving it a shot.

Homo Out.

Walkin the walk.

Fall is coming and I am getting ready for winter.

This year, I have set up a bank account where my etsy and freelance money goes. I have long had the goal of trying to move some of my self care/beauty/hair stuff off of the household budget and support it with writing.

The Uniballer (my partner for those who are new) has put zero pressure on me to do this and while not telling me I should or shouldn’t has supported my endevour.

This weekend I realized some of that goal and while I was lamenting spending some of my small savings on the other hand I felt like celebrating a milestone in my writing life.

Writing has paid for my hosting for both this blog and my official author site, some fancy new shoes, my monthly cell phone bill for the last few months, hair stuff and even this past weekend some household sundries.

I had a moment last night while I was showering where I realized how much it actually means to me.

What else is goin on?

In prep for winter and covering my hair through Spring I dyed it Black no1. Old Goth is gonna be Goth.

Here is the before, my stretched faded red hair with some serious root situation going on.

Old red. Goodbye fiery goodness.

Old red. Goodbye fiery goodness.

OH if my image description (I am trying really hard to be better about that) sucks please tell me how to make it better.

I picked up some Intense Black dye. I’ve found that since going natural, white folks dye and my hair just do not get along anymore so I picked up Softsheen Carson Dark and Lovely Go Intense Hair Color, Super Black from Amazon (yeah sorry affiliate link, still side hustling like hell). This dye was not quite enough, I can’t keep track of how long my hair has gotten and I should have gotten two boxes but it got the job done.

Behold my sopping wet newly Gothity Goth Goth Black. Once the color developed it is really deep blue black and gorgeous.

Ah the power of shrinkage. And yes that is how fluffy the Kraken is sopping wet.

Ah the power of shrinkage. And yes that is how fluffy the Kraken is sopping wet.

It could be a bit bluer but I’m not mad because i will be flat twisting my hair underneath my wigs all winter.

I also used writing dollars to pick up the best for my particular hair moisturizer even though it was expensive I had to talk myself into it.

I grabbed a jar of Oyin Handmade Whipped pudding because it is the moisturizer my hair responds the best to.

As I mentioned while I’ve been doing the Self Care series at Xojane. Here is the latest one.  And have been preparing for the epic rewrite for V2.1 properly published self care book, I have been having to re-engage with myself about a lot of self care related things.

Between some of the critiques and dealing with my own ever shifting feelings about treating myself the way I advise others to treat themselves I’ve had a couple of whoa moments.

For instance.

Today I’m wearing a dress that is probably four sizes too big and just doesn’t fit. It’s soft but at this point I should get a new dress. Since there is no longer a Fashion bug near my house I have a constant struggle with myself about replacing my clothing.

I started a bit, I recently picked up a few camisoles, tshirts and a skirt from Ebay and a pair of pants. The pants are kind of not what I wanted and I had a wee bit of a spiral thinking about what the 20$ (yay super clearance but boo not great pants) could have bought and how stupid it was to have two pairs of pants that fit properly.

It was a hard moment. I had to really stop myself and go back to what I talked about in the aforelinked self care article. Some days, reminding myself that yes it is okay for me to want and buy new pants is a struggle. I had to spend some time not panicking or immediately returning them for the 20$ for the possible emergency where we would need 20$.

Not that we’re dead broke right now but, that anxiety is one that I have yet to shed completely.

So I did the things. I took care of my hair, I enjoyed time with my partner and I ate some good food.

As I am getting ready to get things rolling with my publisher, and doing the XoJane thing it feels good if hard to work on this shit.

Fact is, shit is fucking hard and a constant work in progress.

Now my darlings I have writing to do. How are y’all doing?

I am really enjoying posting more photos and after I pick up a tripod there will be FASHION.

Homo Out.

PS…

You have until about midnightish (maybe a tad later) to pick up V2.0 over at etsy. Don’t stop get it get it.

Fall is Coming.

As much as I love heat and summer I am pretty ready for fall.

It is a terrible state of affairs to realize that you love the heat and not being cold but hate sweating for no good damn reason.

So fuck yes fall.

In the last few years I’ve started indulging my love of changing my appearance and using it as a reason to celebrate the season change and do some nice stuff for myself.

One of the things Fall means is that I am gearing up to do what’s called the Crown and Glory method with my hair.

Basically, I’m going to be doing what’s called protective styling (in my case I will flat twist my hair and wear wigs) to get a good handle on retaining length through the wet and cold weather.

My prep begins with picking a new wig. Last year it was a red on top black on bottom curly one. This year I’m going for a whole other look with this ombre black to grey wig.  We all know I don’t really care about realness I just wanna feel pretty and I LOVE this look.

Next thing is to dig out my Sock Dreams stash. Matter of fact right now I am wearing a pair of M Ribbed Stockings . At ten bucks they are really great. They fit me well and they are warm. I will probably pick up a few more pairs. See in the photo below I’ve paired them with a hi-low black and white striped summer dress layered with a sweater.

 

My fat hams with my high socks.

My fat hams with my high socks.

I also after a lot of hemming and hawing on my part bought myself a pair of shoes I’ve been lusting after since last season. I waited and waited, talked myself out of them and then I found a mega epic deal on them. This was one of those moments where I’d saved up and put aside some freelance and side hustle money for new boots and then this happened:

YRU Hercules boots.

YRU Hercules boots.

They are so cute. I had been wanting a pair of similar Jeffrey Campbell boots but I couldn’t really find a good deal on them and we know I hate paying retail for stuff. I wore them for the first time the other day and they are very comfy. They are veggie leather so I am going to have to treat them with mink oil because they are really squeaky and have that gross poly stink that veggie leather has.

Other than that, I am so into them. They fit right in with my fall winter plan of wearing a lot of lettings, skinny jeans and layers. I’m very excited.

I am feeling that huge beautiful feeling I have when I look just how I want to. Now that I am finally coming to terms with the changes in my body and accepting that there is just nothing I can do about it and denying myself pants that fit isn’t going to help my situation, I am really excited about walking around feeling good in my skin and how I’m decorating my ass.

Relearning to accept my body and treat it well even when it is doing stuff I’d rather it not do has been really hard. I’ve been at such a loss as to how to even talk about it or feel about it given my fatty leanings. I finally told myself to shut up because frankly my views haven’t changed just my ass.

What bothers me the most is that even after all these years of FA and body politics, it is still so easy to fall into the self loathing. Even with such deeply held beliefs, it is still so easy to buy the bullshit.

And then I have to remind myself that I’m human.

Humans fundamentally do a lot of things that are not awesome and often to ourselves.

Dear Self,

Calm down. You are okay.

Love,

Me.

Okay homies that is kind of all right now. OH no wait I have an official author facebook page now (did I even tell y’all that?) and you can keep up with my no blog writing there.

Also I want to let you know that you have until Monday the 22nd to pick up the current version of my self care book. I will be taking it down so my publisher and I can get going on rewrites and everything else. So get it here if you want this version because the next incarnation, is going to be epic.

Next time I will come back with some make up reviews and talk about some WOC led beauty channels I’ve found.

Homo out.

 

 

Sometimes, when the world sucks.

All I can do is fashion.

So much of the world is so terrible right now I can’t.

So let us fashion.

First, I have again had this entire need, terrible need to change my aesthetic again.

All because of these and these.

All I want to wear are leggings, shoes like those and big tops of varying sorts. Tights, layers.

Almost every Fall since I was about 30 I have sworn i will master layering but I fail ever time. I find myself entirely absurd in how bad I am at putting the right fabrics together so things don’t slide apart. That is usually my problem is that I pick fabrics that are too silky and things fall off.

The other problem is that if you’ve followed me from blogger to here you know the size of my ass changed. Now that I am emotionally pretty okay with it, I realize that I replaced basically none of my essential clothing. All my panties, pants and shirts are too big. I have two bras that are the proper size. Half of that problem has been money but the other half as I figured out recently has been fear.

What if my body changes again?

That is something I worry about. Doesn’t matter if it is weight gain or loss, I just can’t afford to be buying pants every time my body does a thing.

I forget my own advice a lot.

I keep trying to con myself into believing that my happiness when I look exactly how I wanna look is fleeting or unimportant.

And it’s just not.

Part of me realizing that it is in fact okay to be sad when I can’t look how I want to. I have a job where I can look however I want.

I’m almost 40.

I can look how the fuck I want.

Part of my very recent decision to start unfucking my wardrobe has been doing the series at Xojane. I have been reminding myself that if I am telling other folks they are worth doing the things they can afford and whatnot so am I right?

Because we really need to move I have been putting a huge amount of pressure on myself to try and bring in more money. My side hustles, freelancing. I’ve been slowly using some of my current freelance income to pay for things like my cell phone and coffee outside of teh household budget.

This has proven difficult and I have not been great at not being a total asshole about it to myself.

I’ll be touching on this in my next article.

But since this is my litterbox I can spill all my feelings here.

I’m feeling like I have fucked up royally by not being responsible and getting new drawers and pants before it starts getting cold. And on the other side of that coin I feel upset that I don’t have stuff to wear that fits and that I really like.

And then of course I feel like, well if I just do more X thing maybe I will deserve it.

But I deserve it now. Just because.

This shit is fucking hard y’all.

With the support of Uniballer after I get paid tomorrow I am going to buy some shirts and underwear that are the proper size, not faded or otherwise raggedy.

I am also going to buy one more pair of pants.

I have discovered that currently my ass and Dickie’s Girl brand pants are real good buddies. I’ve got a pair of teh skinny straight legs and am going to get the boot cut.

They aren’t quite the heavy twill fabric of the 90s that I used to wear all the time but they’ll do.

I am also going to buy my next wig. Y’all know I do what is part of the crown and glory method for my hair where I will be covering my hair through fall and winter. We’ll talk about it later.

I am ready.

I have a plan and I am going to try really hard not to screw myself out of or talk myself out of the style I want to cultivate for Fall and Winter. I know some people think this is incredibly stupid and I can say with confidence that, that in general doesn’t play into my feelings.

And to quote my dear friend Haddayr, I am feeling the fuck out of my feelings. I have even been expressing those feelings to people and that shit is also hard as fuck but I am doing it.

Next time we’ll talk about how feeling vulnerable and talking about it makes me want to headbutt a wall.

Homo Out.

 

Oh…oh hey y’all

Okay so my homies SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED.

I hardly even know where to start.

So how about some big deal holy shit writing news?

Through the wonderful turnings of the universe, my dear friend Milcah is going to make my self care book the very first from her new indie press.

That means, there is going to be a website, there are going to be tshirts, there are going to be special edition print books with new stuff and brand new special to this edition content.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Like y’all…Y’ALL.

I have long discarded the idea of mainstream publication a long time ago. Because racism, sexism and everything terrible I just don’t want to deal with it especially in terms of work that is so important to my soul.

And then I met Milcah and I had no idea about her press but I adore her a lot. She is my people.

And now this.

I’m honestly shitting my pants terrified that I will screw it up but I’m also super energized and ready because it feels right and good.

So that happened.

Writing things have been so intense and happening i’m overwhelmed and overjoyed. So for all the news about that, I now have an official author page on facebook and much as I have issues with the facebooks, that looks to be the way to follow my work around.  Check it out here.

What else?

I realized today that while I have emotionally dealth with that weightloss I had, I haven’t dealt with it in terms of replacing the staple items in my closet like underwear, the tee shirts I love to wear, tank tops. You know the basics.

Now it’s been what like two years? My weight and size has been stable for at least a year so 90% of the raggedy ass clothes I own are too big and raggedy.

Today I was feeling some type of way (my tank top is almost see through in spots, my hoody is sun faded) and while the concept of my outfit is cute as shit, I feel gross.

I did some digging and realized that I’m feeling those awkward poor kid I hate looking poor feelings.

I won’t lie I had a little bit of a mini meltdown about said bad feelings and my finances and everything. So I have been squirreling away money from my freelance projects so I can buy myself clothes that fit and that I like.

Apparently since my weight fluctuated so hard once, I’m kind of afraid to replace things in case shit happens again. It’s not happening but I’m nervous.

Um, I am itchy and sleepy so I am going to cut this short.

Suffice to say, holy shit y’all holy shit holy shit holy shit.

Now that I’m in a bit more of a groove with my other writing stuff and AND OMG I got a new real big girl lap top to work on. I pushed my poor little gifted Chromebook so hard, it was not made for that kind of abuse.

Also good news is that Uniballer can turn my Chromebook into a linuxbook, which means I can tote it around and work without any issues.

So my homies I salute you.

I also want to say that we need a new battle cry, and our battle cry shall be:

DON’T STOP GET IT GET IT!

I’ll explain later.

But yes.

You, my friend.

Don’t stop, get it get it.

Homo out.