It's not a miracle, it's pooping.

Fair warning if you have a delicate nature and cannot deal with talking about poop don't read this.

I have a raging head cold right now.

I've been pretty sick for about a week and a half or so. It's nothing extraordinary just your run of the mill coughing, exhaustion, congestion. The cold has been complicated mainly by freewheeling barometric pressure that turns my sinus cavities into not so fun rides.

Earlier today when I got to my bus stop a woman walked up to me and commiserated for a moment while I coughed and had to blow my nose and made the universal sound of sadness that often accompanies maladies where there is copious snot and after a few shared words of woe about colds she started telling me all about the "wonderful thing" she did to not only get over her cold but she lost a whole pants size too.

She proceeded to explain that at the tail end of her illness she did some new and improved version of the infamous Hollywood Diet.

And then tadaaaaa she had lost something like eight or ten of those ever so terrible stubborn pounds.

I did not have the energy at that moment (nor the need to stomp her happy) but really?

Okay I'm going to tell you exactly what the Hollywood Diet can do for you.

Ready?

Hold your dollars, feel free to send them in after I let out the secret......


It will make you poop.

Basically the super special concentrated elixer of ass shrinking, is pretty much going to make you poop a lot.

Here is how all of these "detox" super awesome look ma my pants fit things work.

You drink the powder or whatever, drink a lot of water and your bowels get going.

If you poop enough and are not taking in a lot of solids and are super hydrating you'll flush out water weight (which is a perfectly normal thing people) and you will poo a lot.

And as anyone who's ever had a stomach bug will tell you, a lot of pooing will probably leave you with pants that don't quite fit.

There you have it.

So many of these so called miracle diets do little more than make you poop a lot and they don't even warn you first.

Or if you do get a warning it's likely cloaked in bullshit language like "detoxifying" and "cleansing".

Also, your bowels most likely don't need to be cleansed.

When you do these things you run a good chance of fucking up the friendly flora in your bowels. What are friendly flora?

Friendly flora are the bacteria in your bowels in particular that help your body function.

Do not fuck with them.

Leave them alone let them do their thing.

Let them help you poop.

Like many other of the awesome things your body does, if you screw with the process too much you are going to upset your body and thus possibly cause yourself harm.

This is not awesome.

Similarly I've seen a lot of new "diet aids" that are basically bulky fiber.

What they do is fill you up temporarily with fiber so you "feel fuller" and thus don't eat. However, save for a very few I've seen they don't explain that these things are also going to make you poop a lot.

No.

A lot.

Also if you are at all like me and can be sensitive to what types of fiber you put in my our body you may get bad gas.

Personally, I do not think that losing small amounts of weight is at all worth that much pooping and possible discomfort.

My bigger point is that aside from being nice to your body and not fucking around with the processes that are just fine you don't have to do that to yourself.

You do not have to become obsessed with some fluctuating pounds.

You do not have to participate in this nonsense.

Your jeans do not have to be just a little too small at all times.

You're fine.

You're better than fine you are fucking awesome and you do not need it.

Instead of that try fixating on something that's good for you. Wearing sunscreen on your face every day. Doing something nice for yourself that will not fuck up the way you poop.

Remember, do not abuse your bowels they will fire back and it will be messy.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

Loves and awesome.

I have been reading Amanda Palmer's blog for awhile but this post today put me over the edge into the love. I really dig how she expresses herself.

Speaking of people I think are delightful let's have some links shall we?

Not all of these have anything to do with each other and I'm pulling names from my RSS reader.

Dennis Cooper. He's an author whom I am inordinately fond. I've read most of his books, I read his blog. I kinda would like to spend some time talking about boys over coffee.

I also love the ladies at Pixiewoo. Make up artist sisters who not only do some really amazing youtube tutorials but both of them are very talented and charming. Go watch and read.

$pread Magazine the magazine by and for sex workers. I really suggest reading it even if you're not a sex worker it's good stuff.

Note- I started this last week. I got sick -again- which I'm fairly certain is a direct result of me not sleeping so much. My body has gone on strike and is currently waving a flag with the symbols for snot and fuck you on it.

To continue.

I also think you all should go check out Hazel Dooney. she is an artist whom I've got a bit of a girlcrush on. I've mentioned her before but her work seriously does things in my head. I think about her work at odd times, I don't always like it but I always think about it and that makes me very happy.

Speaking of people whom I'm pretty ass over tea kettle in teh loves with I come to Kate Bornstein.

I was a senior in high school when Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us
came out and I bought a copy with hard earned telemarketing dollars and that book was one of the first I read that seriously changed my entire universe and perception of my own thoughts.

You guys I don't even know how to explain how serendipitous and beautiful it was for me to read her book. I HAD to see that other people questioned gender and holy fucking shit.

Moving on, I found Kate on twitter and started following her. It wasn't too long before I sent her a little declaration of my undying loves and when I catch her I say goodnight and call her a special name that makes her smile and that is so wonderful for me.

Y'all don't even know.

Another lady I am terribly -terribly- fond of in the I'd like to frolic with and try to figure out how it is we share SO many weird random things in common is Miss Mollena. In my adult life and being that I fly my freak flag high and proud it has not been incredibly easy for me to meet other women of color who also fly their freak flags and finding her has been wonderful. I want to snorgle the fuck out of her and then have cupcakes.

Next up writers and other enjoyers of the smut, I give you Remittance Girl. I really love her writing. She's smart and charming and funny and has used one of my favorite words ever on twitter and I do enjoy that. No seriously go read her blog. Right now.

Now how about some really awesome fucking art? My homie Cris makes some really astonishingly beautiful art. Go. Drool. Love her. She writes pretty well too.

And how about some more hotness?

Yes thank you.

Dangerous Lilly. I think she is pretty fucking awesome. All those things that make me go a little quivery, smart funny and her writing is damn fine. Go. Read. Thank me later.

I also love me some Essin Em. She is sweet and smart and yes...more hotness. She is a sexypants aweseomface.

One more AAG. She makes me laugh, her sexy entries are yes very sexy. And yes, she too is teh HOTNESS.


Okay I'm getting tired.

Well more tired.

I'm waiting for my cold drugs to kick in.

Serious posting will resume once I don't feel like canned ass.

I love you guys.

Remember to be nice to yourselves and each other. Don't be too shy to love folks to the point you feel like a big dorkface.

Tomorrow hopefully some amusing tidbits from a conversation I had recently about whether or not I'm actually a fatass.

Now....leave me some links darlings.

Show me who or what you're loving right now.

And feel free to pimp your stuff here show me what you're working with.

Now I'm going to go have a bath, snog Uniballer and hopefully sleep the sleep of the righteously sedated.

Homo Out

PS..also I will explain for new folks the whole Homo Out thing.

Stumble It!

When you stop hating yourself.

I was flipping through a magazine the other day and again was struck by the many promises of every diet pill and weightloss thing out there.

Now the messages are always the same when they are targeted to women.

You get skinny and suddenly the sun comes out, there are men dropping at your feet, your hair is luxurious, everyone wants you. Your whole life becomes an exercise in awesome.

Or not.

They never mention that this pill might give you the shits if you eat the wrong thing, or that if you do this diet and workout plan you might hurt yourself.

But what I tend to be more concerned with is the idea that you, that who you are fundamentally deep down in your guts is going to miraculously change when you lose weight.

I have said it before and will say it again.

If you are a 350 pound asshole you will probably be a 200 pound asshole.

So many of these weightloss and dieting schemes don't take into account the damage done when you've lived with shame and self hatred for a long long time.

I had a friend when I was a youngster who went on this insane diet and lost a shitload of weight.

Did she look great in her "after" phase?

Yes she did.

Supposedly she felt great but at some point when the eye candy started to wear thin and the thrill of pulling on size 7 jeans started to become normal she fell right back into self loathing.

And she got a whole new flavor of self hatred, failure.

Everytime her weight fluctuated she felt like she was the biggest piece of shit ever.

If she got bloated she would punish herself.

If her jeans were a little tight one day she'd punish and really rip herself a new one about it.

How is that good?

She is not unique in that experience. I have had friends who had bariatric surgery, friends with eating disorders, friends who did Jenny Craig, friends who've done it all (and a few I've done myself) and after the transitory triumph of suddenly being a whole new you, you realize that you're not really a whole new you.

You're the same you with your insecurities and neurosis in your size 7 jeans that you were when you were wearing your size 18 jeans.

This is why I personally advocate learning to love yourself first.

Learn to love yourself enough to want to take good care of the body you're trucking around the universe in.

Maybe you'll stay fat maybe you won't.

It speaks more of wellness to me when a person treats their body with love and care than it does when someone can wear a smaller size of pants.

When I finally learned to start working hard on loving myself and my body I realized that how big my ass is or isn't, isn't the point.

I had to learn what it means to me to be well.

And I had to learn that what wellness looks like for me is something way different than what it looks like for someone else and that's okay.

We have got to learn that what works for one won't be awesome for another.

We have got to learn that there is no one perfect image of health and wellness.

So before you go spending your money on diet aids and pills and things that promise you a whole new life take a step back and get happy.

So I'm a little drugged up on antihistemines so I just blew my load there so to speak.

New essays this week and my banner.

I'm also almost done with my new and improved links page.

And um...well shit do a little booty dance because it's Tuesday and asses need to be shook.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!