Category Archives: body politics

Fall is Coming.

As much as I love heat and summer I am pretty ready for fall.

It is a terrible state of affairs to realize that you love the heat and not being cold but hate sweating for no good damn reason.

So fuck yes fall.

In the last few years I’ve started indulging my love of changing my appearance and using it as a reason to celebrate the season change and do some nice stuff for myself.

One of the things Fall means is that I am gearing up to do what’s called the Crown and Glory method with my hair.

Basically, I’m going to be doing what’s called protective styling (in my case I will flat twist my hair and wear wigs) to get a good handle on retaining length through the wet and cold weather.

My prep begins with picking a new wig. Last year it was a red on top black on bottom curly one. This year I’m going for a whole other look with this ombre black to grey wig.  We all know I don’t really care about realness I just wanna feel pretty and I LOVE this look.

Next thing is to dig out my Sock Dreams stash. Matter of fact right now I am wearing a pair of M Ribbed Stockings . At ten bucks they are really great. They fit me well and they are warm. I will probably pick up a few more pairs. See in the photo below I’ve paired them with a hi-low black and white striped summer dress layered with a sweater.

 

My fat hams with my high socks.

My fat hams with my high socks.

I also after a lot of hemming and hawing on my part bought myself a pair of shoes I’ve been lusting after since last season. I waited and waited, talked myself out of them and then I found a mega epic deal on them. This was one of those moments where I’d saved up and put aside some freelance and side hustle money for new boots and then this happened:

YRU Hercules boots.

YRU Hercules boots.

They are so cute. I had been wanting a pair of similar Jeffrey Campbell boots but I couldn’t really find a good deal on them and we know I hate paying retail for stuff. I wore them for the first time the other day and they are very comfy. They are veggie leather so I am going to have to treat them with mink oil because they are really squeaky and have that gross poly stink that veggie leather has.

Other than that, I am so into them. They fit right in with my fall winter plan of wearing a lot of lettings, skinny jeans and layers. I’m very excited.

I am feeling that huge beautiful feeling I have when I look just how I want to. Now that I am finally coming to terms with the changes in my body and accepting that there is just nothing I can do about it and denying myself pants that fit isn’t going to help my situation, I am really excited about walking around feeling good in my skin and how I’m decorating my ass.

Relearning to accept my body and treat it well even when it is doing stuff I’d rather it not do has been really hard. I’ve been at such a loss as to how to even talk about it or feel about it given my fatty leanings. I finally told myself to shut up because frankly my views haven’t changed just my ass.

What bothers me the most is that even after all these years of FA and body politics, it is still so easy to fall into the self loathing. Even with such deeply held beliefs, it is still so easy to buy the bullshit.

And then I have to remind myself that I’m human.

Humans fundamentally do a lot of things that are not awesome and often to ourselves.

Dear Self,

Calm down. You are okay.

Love,

Me.

Okay homies that is kind of all right now. OH no wait I have an official author facebook page now (did I even tell y’all that?) and you can keep up with my no blog writing there.

Also I want to let you know that you have until Monday the 22nd to pick up the current version of my self care book. I will be taking it down so my publisher and I can get going on rewrites and everything else. So get it here if you want this version because the next incarnation, is going to be epic.

Next time I will come back with some make up reviews and talk about some WOC led beauty channels I’ve found.

Homo out.

 

 

Oh…oh hey y’all

Okay so my homies SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED.

I hardly even know where to start.

So how about some big deal holy shit writing news?

Through the wonderful turnings of the universe, my dear friend Milcah is going to make my self care book the very first from her new indie press.

That means, there is going to be a website, there are going to be tshirts, there are going to be special edition print books with new stuff and brand new special to this edition content.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Like y’all…Y’ALL.

I have long discarded the idea of mainstream publication a long time ago. Because racism, sexism and everything terrible I just don’t want to deal with it especially in terms of work that is so important to my soul.

And then I met Milcah and I had no idea about her press but I adore her a lot. She is my people.

And now this.

I’m honestly shitting my pants terrified that I will screw it up but I’m also super energized and ready because it feels right and good.

So that happened.

Writing things have been so intense and happening i’m overwhelmed and overjoyed. So for all the news about that, I now have an official author page on facebook and much as I have issues with the facebooks, that looks to be the way to follow my work around.  Check it out here.

What else?

I realized today that while I have emotionally dealth with that weightloss I had, I haven’t dealt with it in terms of replacing the staple items in my closet like underwear, the tee shirts I love to wear, tank tops. You know the basics.

Now it’s been what like two years? My weight and size has been stable for at least a year so 90% of the raggedy ass clothes I own are too big and raggedy.

Today I was feeling some type of way (my tank top is almost see through in spots, my hoody is sun faded) and while the concept of my outfit is cute as shit, I feel gross.

I did some digging and realized that I’m feeling those awkward poor kid I hate looking poor feelings.

I won’t lie I had a little bit of a mini meltdown about said bad feelings and my finances and everything. So I have been squirreling away money from my freelance projects so I can buy myself clothes that fit and that I like.

Apparently since my weight fluctuated so hard once, I’m kind of afraid to replace things in case shit happens again. It’s not happening but I’m nervous.

Um, I am itchy and sleepy so I am going to cut this short.

Suffice to say, holy shit y’all holy shit holy shit holy shit.

Now that I’m in a bit more of a groove with my other writing stuff and AND OMG I got a new real big girl lap top to work on. I pushed my poor little gifted Chromebook so hard, it was not made for that kind of abuse.

Also good news is that Uniballer can turn my Chromebook into a linuxbook, which means I can tote it around and work without any issues.

So my homies I salute you.

I also want to say that we need a new battle cry, and our battle cry shall be:

DON’T STOP GET IT GET IT!

I’ll explain later.

But yes.

You, my friend.

Don’t stop, get it get it.

Homo out.

Musings on Using Thin Privilege and whatnot.

Right now my body is a size that means I have some degree of thin privilege.

Not a whole bunch but some.

This was my outfit from the other day.

ootd

I am not really as small as I look sometimes because of how I wear my clothes but I am not visually obviously still fat. It is quite a thing.

If you ask most medical professionals I am about to drop dead any minute.

Ask me and I’m borderline close to being too small to feel comfortable.

That aside, I am relearning how to use my degree of thin privilege to further my ideas about bodies and fatness.

For instance.

Not too long ago an indie designer I have admired for a very long time sent me a message on tumblr to tell me that something or other of theirs was back in stock, I had commented on a post about it months ago.

I went off to look and saw that their current sizing is bizarre. As in their size L had an upper measurement of a 30″ waist and 38″ hip.

So this person from looking at some photos of me assumes that I am relatively normatively sized and when I asked them privately about their jacked up sizing, they asked what I was worried for?

Well a.) the size L would be too small for me and b.) I am here for fat people.

Even though I am not currently sized out of a lot of clothes, I am still sized out of a lot of clothing I like. So I get my foot in because I have some thin privilege and then I start talking about fat folks and I still will not accept that making clothes for fat or really fucking fat people is impossible.

Size matters regardless of what size I am.

Said designer isn’t speaking to me anymore.

What irritates the shit out of me is the presumption that in order to care about a thing, in this case fatness you have to exemplify the thing.

No.

Even if you didn’t know that I was fatter at one point, the thing to know is that my point is still valid.

Why isn’t this available in bigger sizes is a serious question.

What irritates me even more is that now that I look not fat, (not thin but not really fat) people want to listen to what I have to say. I don’t like it. You should have listened when I was fucking fat.

At least fat in the someone looks at me and knows I’m fat kind of way.

Given that I don’t wield a lot of privilege in other ways, I am kind of enjoying learning to use it as a weapon. For good that is.

I will say that while I do have this bit of thin privilege I can’t say that I identify with thinness or even average-ness on a personal level.

Being that my perspective on body politics is a fat shaped (both identity and physically) lens, I am finding it easier to reject the idea that I am supposed to be happy with my weight loss or talk about it positively. Emotionally that has actually made the change in my body way easier to deal with and talk about in a truthful manner.

The truth is I am still not thrilled about it. I am accepting it as something my body decided to do and trying to maintain my health without bullshit.

But I am not really happy about it and that is okay.

This is something I’ve settled on fairly recently. Trying to deal with my negative feelings about my weight coupled with being uncertain if I should keep talking fatness etc was rough on me.

And then of course I went back to some core FA things.

  1. The size of my ass doesn’t change who I actually am.
  2. Smaller ass does not miraculously  make life better.

Concepts that I have talked about for years and really needed to remind myself of in recent times.

It will never get old to have that core to fall back on when shit gets rough regardless of the actual size of my ass.

That said.

Let this be my perhaps monthly reminder that Fat Acceptance is good for everyone.

Everyone.

Homo Out.