First if you are a Prodigy fan or a Sepultura fan you HAVE TO HEAR THIS.
That is one of my favorite metal bands Sepultura covering the Prodigy.
Listening to this makes me want to destroy shit.
That is where I need to be in my head to finally crawl out of the last of this deep dark panic, anxiety and trauma feelings filled hole I’ve been rolling around in.
I have to get mad. I have to get so pissed off my knuckles are itching to be broken.
I have to get ragey and wanting to fight.
I don’t know why and no this isn’t the most healthy thing and sometimes shit goes way wrong but it is how I function and survive.
I have to get back to a place where I am seeing red and I want to protect myself at all costs. Historically I’ve had a problem protecting everyone but me.
While I have been busy trying to sort myself out, I let a lot of external shit pile on to my Shannon hate fest.
People who hate my writing, trolling, abusive trolls, shit from my past, the voices of doubt who I can hear telling me that maybe I should focus on working a “real” job etc.
I had to shut myself down and then let the angry flow.
I had to remind myself that regardless of how much anyone hates what I write, how much they hate my face, how much they hate me in general I do not deserve to be abused by anyone.
No matter what opinions I have or how loudly I express them, nobody gets to muzzle me.
I deserve to be fought for. I can fight for myself.
I am getting there.
My reponse to most what anyone has to say about me on a personal level is fuck you pay me. If someone really feels the need to make sure I’m hearing what they have to say about me, I feel like I should get paid for a humiliation scene.
This whole process is so internalized. The triggers then the spiral are all very inward. I’m working on not keeping it so internalized but I find it really difficult.
I don’t like feeling super vulnerable to people who might gleefully cause me harm. On the flipside of that I do have a desire to make sure I present myself like a whole real human.
I have the worst habit of trying to present a bullet proof strong front and it does not serve me well. It is not real and as I’ve been really trying to reinforce with myself is in fact harmful.
Unlearning these lessons is fucking brutal. I thought it would get easier as I get older but not really. I still fall down the hole. The difference is that I can get out and I can talk about it.
Shit is hard but I’m working on it.
In terms of my writing life I have been doing a lot of things. I’m knocking shit off of my writing bucketlist.
I am not totally comfortable writing purposeful satire. I sat on this piece for a while and then decided (while I was thinking of what my bestie would say about it) then I just published it. It is not super perfection (is anything I do perfect?) but it is exactly what I needed to say. It is on catcalling and you can read it here. TW for rape culture and racism and gross.
I’ve also been doing some experimentation with genre work and I am excited about that.
Last thing, my publisher has started the process for signing up for our self care email list ahead of book prep.
Anything else? Not right now. Next week I will probably yammer about the seeming impossibility of accessible clothes I am interested in right now.
And some thinking about health that I’ve been doing lately.
That’s all for now.