Oh such fun.

Karnythia had a post over at The Angry Black Woman today asking about catcalling in response to an article at CNN.

Ladies, ladies ladies. Not all of you, I love a lot of you but you that said this:

"Yeah, it's objectifying and all, but you know, if I walked down the street and didn't have men looking me up and down and catcalling, I'd think, 'Boy, I must really be getting old and dumpy,' " she said.

Um..wait what?

Ooh okay.

Ready my friends?

First of all, I find it to be a sad and disturbing thing that someone needs strange dudes to validate their youth and non-dumpiness. Bonus points for equating old and dumpy. And super extra bonus points for making old and dumpy seem like yanno the be all end all of TEH EBUL!

I don't even want to get further into that. You my fantastic readers are smart. I can almost hear the chorus of "what the shit" even now.

I will however discuss the absurdities I've faced and witnessed at the hands of men and boys who indulge themselves in catcalling.

But first a foray into my own love of you got it, cockcalling. You read that right. I have a distinct and sadistic love of making men who behave like jack asses squirm. There are many reasons including, I'm mean and well I'm mean. I look young. I also look sweet and unless you know me, you might be shocked at what comes out of my mouth sometimes.

We all know by now(if you've read me for any amount of time) that I curse enough to make a sailor blush and purse his lips.

So since I was probably 14 or so I have been known to say gross and objectifying things to random men. Usually not unprovoked, usually in response to whatever gross objectifying thing they just said. Mainly because I can.

My response to catcalling, oh my darlings it's fun. I will say some of the foulest most disgusting things with a sweet smile and a straight face. I know I've talked about it before but here are some of my favorites.

And remember, always bonus points for the dead pan stare and monotone, 2 points for the raised eyebrow and speaking in that horrible slow tone that says you're fucking stupid, and super extra bonus points if you make a scene and/or make said males friends laugh at him.

Most recently:

Picture this, I am walking as fast as my wee legs will carry me down the sidewalk towards Bartells because I am having an allergy emergency. My eyes are burning, I'm positive my expression is less than "Oh HAI DOOD" and I see a silver car swerve into the parking lot in front of me. I keep walking. Boy in car turns down his music a little and yells, "HEY BABYGIRL YOU WANT A RIDE?"

Now from the looks of him I'm probably at least a few years older than him, and really fucking annoyed. I stop dead in my tracks and turn slowly, while removing my sunglasses. He smiles and I scowl. And say loudly:

"Do I LOOK like I want a fucking ride? Are you trying to make me late for fucking work? If I miss my fucking bus because of your stupid ass I am going to key your fucking car."

Boy..*blink* he proceeds to ask me why I gotta be like that, and he was just trying to be nice. I ask him in my best monotone you're a dickhead and a moron voice, "didn't your mother ever tell you not to get into cars with strangers?" And then my very favorite:

"DO I look like I'm fucking hooking you fuck?"

He drives off, I make it into Bartells snickering and find allergy medication.

Men who catcall rarely if ever expect to be greeted by rudeness or crudity. And I take full advantage of that fact. I give the finger, I will call names. Some of my other favorite come backs include:

*insert catcall here* Guy turns to buddy and says, "Must be a dyke" I will turn and look the guy up and down say: "I am now". Smart guys catch it, the dumb ones don't.

Other favorite, guy says something. Give him a slow very slow once over all the while shaking your head slightly and muttering no under your breath.

Another favorite is the not a word blank unblinking stare. People will think you're crazy. And most people don't fuck with you if you're crazy.

My other point here is that (again, I say this all the time) if you act like an asshole don't expect a blowjob and cookies.

Furthermore, if you are a man and you expect "ladylike" behavior don't be pissed off if you don't get it.

Switching gears what is okay?

Boys you know I love you, I love the cock we know this. And because of that love I will give you some pointers when approaching a lady for what you hope is a conversation that might lead to eventual sex.

Let's say you see said pretty lady walking and she's not exactly hurrying but not walking slowly. Do not step into her path and get in her face. From a polite and respectful but within earshot and say, "Excuse me Miss Lady?" If she wants to talk to you she will acknowledge that you spoke to her. If not she will probably look at you and look away. Or shake her head or something pay attention.

If she does pause to talk to you because you're looking fly, stand not too close to her and for the love of fluffy bunnies do not touch her. Say something like,

"I'm sorry I stopped you, but I think you are beautiful."

Then shut the hell up.

If the beautiful lady is interested she will probably let you know. If she says thanks and walks away let it go.

Let's say you're in the coffee shop and you see, BAM hot lovely lady. You can say about the same thing. The theme here is boys, don't be gross. Don't be lewd unless the venue calls for it. Never say things like this (I shit you not people these are things men have said to me)

In the porn store with a friend we were buying gay porn (mmm porn) and this guy taps me on the shoulder and points to the rack of the magazine "Black Tail" and asks if I was the centerfold the previous month. At first I just shook my head and went back to my porno perusing, and had he let it go everything would have been fine. However he bugged me for twenty goddamn minutes and completely ruined my porn buying evening.

Sadly the only means of escape other than leaving which we didn't feel like doing was me sweet talking a stripper into free drink and admission coupons to the strip club upstairs. My gay was at first kind of horrified cause OMFG PUSSY, but he had fun anyway because OH HAY BOOBIES.

Another time while I was waiting for a hot butch to get off of work and take me out, I was chilling outside Westlake mall downtown, drinking some coffee and reading when this guy walks up to my table and announces his intention to do something or other with me. I decline, tell him I'm waiting for someone.

Everything would have been fine if he hadn't said, "don't tell me you're a lesbo."

And yeah, my reaction was not nice nor was it pretty. I said very loudly yes I AM a lesbian and my wife would not appreciate you speaking to me like that. Yes I was LOUD.

Then hot butchness walked up and he mistook her for a dude, said something about fuckin dykes. And she said, "Why yes I am going to fuck that dyke." We laughed, he walked away sort of drooping.

Boys, even if you have super fantastic game there are do's and don'ts to work off of. Don't touch women you don't know. Don't get in the face of a woman you don't know.

Do be goofy, be funny, be silly be hot and smooth if you wanna but just don't be a fucking douchebag. Else you may one day face the verbal wrath of a woman like me and you really don't want that do you know.

You get my point.

I have fat related stuff to talk about, shocking I know but I don't feel like it right this minute.

So go over and check out my last outfit post at Flickr. No make up and cranky for the win.

I'll probably upload some pictures of my fantastic make up later on as well.

And yeah another post later it's a brewing.

Homo Out.

Tags: amused, annoyed fat girl, sexuality, rambling

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Random Braining.

I finally got some sleep so I will probably be meandering all over the place today with stuff I wanted to talk about before but due to brain non-functionality (I seriously typed cuntiness) I didn't get to.

First of all let's talk about DIY clothes again.

I've talked about this before. But, really come ON now people. So I tend to go weeks without using myspace because I hate it and I get tired of the spam. So anyway I did actually log in last week and some DIY designer wanted to be my friend.

So I go look at their clothes and send them a polite email telling them they have some very nice designs but, being that I am over a size 8 they have nothing for me and I don't see the necessity of doing custom sizing over a size medium. I get back the usual whiny response that pretty much boils down to "but I don't know any fat people." Whatever. I am willing to bet that this person does know women with hips more than 34 but doesn't want to make the effort to know a different body type than her own.

Don't feed me shit I have already heard it and I am not fucking interested.

Now let's talk about underwear. For those of you who are new readers I will tell you I am fairly anti-panty when it comes to myself. I hate wearing panties and have for about 20 years. That said I do like panties, as in to look at pretty things but when it comes to wearing actual squirrel covers I generally don't

Why? Because for some reason the way my buttoxial area is shaped panties just annoy me. Whether they are creeping so far up my ass I feel like my colon is getting some cotton or, they are baggy in the ass, the waist band comes up under my tits or rolls under my stomach. Annoys my taint. Chafes my labia whatever. I just do not want.

That said I do actually enjoy and will wear plain cotton thongs. My go to place for these has been Frederick's of Hollywood for ages now. They are usually decently priced, cute and goddamn it I just love Frederick's. Of all the places I've shopped for underthings at many sizes. They have always come through where Vicky's secret has been made of fail.

Also Frederick's has always impressed me as far as sizing goes. Whether you're a 00 or a 22 you may very well find something to wake up your inner hoochie and get her shaking it or just laying around and looking hot. You can sometimes find things there up to a 5X which as lots of my femme types on the bigger end of fat will probably tell you can be such a fucking hassle.

Also um the shoes. Yes, okay I'll admit it I love hooker shoes. I don't care what anyone says. I LOVE gaudy looking crazy heeled shoes. Sue me.

One more thing about Frederick's to love if you get their catalogs regularly you can catch some fantastic sales. Just sayin.

Random bit of TMI I was reading comments somewhere or other and saw a trolltastic comment that amounted to "OMGZ TEH FATTIES DUN HAS TEH SECKS"

Um okay. If the tenderness of my loins currently is any indication I can provide proof positive that yes, some of us fatties are indeed having rocking porn star type sexing.

I'd take a picture of the hickey on my boob but, couldn't get a shot lit decently.

Pursuant to my Xpost from Fatshionista I have decided to go with a very nice shirt from Target, pants from I don't recall where and I will be trying to make myself some of these. I've never made a shirt like that before (note to self email Vesta) and I think it would be a handy thing to have some knowledge of. So in case again i wind up finding weirdly shiny patterned flouncy things I can get me a shirt without too much hassle.

Also pertaining to wardrobe I had a total impulse buy last week. I bought this very cute vintage Liz Claiborn aline swingy type dress on Ebay and it is SO goddamn adorable. It is so adorable I cannot wait for it to warm up a little so I can rock it with either my calf high plaid boots or maybe (note to self start looking) some stompy mary janes and interesting tights and/or socks. I have decided that this year (and probably the foreseeable future is all about skirts+stompy footwear and interesting tights, socks, or bare legs.

Also I'm sad to say I just can't break up with Lip Service. I know I said all that shit about them not being into the fat ass but goddamn it I love their clothes. I've found some other if not quite plus size than more plump lady types in a Lip Service related community on LJ and i will continue to scour ebay until I find the one thing I can't resist from Lippy brand new. I am so weak.

For once my politics has not been able to sway my total love of something. To make it up to myself about that because honestly trying to shop for Lippy can be so terrible and self hatred inducing I am going to make myself get more into reconning clothings and making myself some fabulous goth pretties. Mostly because a LOT of the goth type clothing I like is super expensive and not made for a big girl. So fuck em I'll make my own and it'll be that much MORE fabulous because I made it.

To that end I have rediscovered Antimony and Lace and have all sorts of plans for making pretties.

Now some links from the Fatosphere.

Meowser wrote a nice one today over at Fat Fu go read it.

In case you don't keep up on the Fatosphere several of very talented bloggers were featured in an NYtimes piece you can see here. (Holler if you have to log in)

From that the expected has happened. Some people have been trolled, others have been found and beloved. I don't like some of the tone of the article but I expected that as well.

Via Sweetmachine over at Shapely Prose I've found links to this (nsfw..bewbies in the house) and I love it. If you don't already know I LOVE this sort of thing. Natural actual people being photographed. OMG. Love. Love. LOVE.

Which is why the Laurie Toby Edison's (again bewbies in the house nsfw) photographs mean a whole lot to me. Seeing people in their imperfect glory makes my heart glad.

Okay I think I'm done for now. Can't brain anymore I want to eat gummy bears and drink green tea.

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Amused and yet not so much.

I check my stats (as in web stats) every few days or so and it amazes and amuses me how many people put in odd random porny searches and get me.

I assume that means I talk about boobs too much and drop the F Bomb way too often.

It also makes me giggle.

However there are lots of things that annoy me today. Including blurbs for Ricki Lake's documentary about birth "The Business Of Being Born."

Vogue-"Entertaining and at times chillingly informative."

One of those things I am really over is the fact that birth is now "gory" and "graphic" when shown in any realistic sort of manner.

Are you shitting me? Why is it that something every single one of us fuckers walking the face of the Earth has been through in either the pushing out, or squirming out kind of way still regarded as this horrifying terrible thing? People need to stop. Also (yes this is about to be offensive) if I hear ONE more person go on and on about their phobia around birth or see people squirm and ewwwwwwwwwww when it's mentioned I am going to give them the finger. Like so:



Why? Because stop fronting people. Women have been giving birth since the first one of us stood up on two legs and pissed on a rock. Granted yes, everyone has a phobia but come ON now. This is ridiculous.

And I will say, I too think Ricki Lake's Coochie is awesome.

So is mine. Even though there have been no human heads in there to show her to her full potential.

And before anyone asks yes I have in fact seen a baby crowning live and up close, as in close enough to touch said baby's head. And it was MOTHER FUCKING AWESOME! Yes yelling was absolutely necessary there.

I am so cranky today. Even listening to lovely classical Chinese music is not easing the GRR.

Actually let me back up on the cranky.

Can I just say right now that super googling at work makes me kind of squee a little? I am such a freaking nerd. But I like digging up problems on teh intertubes.

It's not offically part of my job but it's one of those things I like to do. Matter of fact I don't have to do half the silly researching I do but I enjoy it.

Also my new boots arrived. To review I got myself a pair of Scene-100 Demonia boots and here's what they look like:



The fit is very nice. Being that they are unisex sizing (as with most Demonia boots)
the calf is far roomier than the other pair of boots I bought from them. They are also fabric as opposed to pleather so there is way more give.

The foot bed seems to run a tad on the small side so if you are closer to a half size or on the higher side of a half size order the next one up.

They are very cute and I will maybe post a photo of me actually wearing them tomorrow.

What else?

Not much actually. I think I need to update my hair blog sometime soon with some new ideas/mishaps. Um.

WOW people my brain is on permanent DUH.

So yeah. more tomorrow. Also probably Sunday/Saturday expect a pants rant because I am again in need of new pants and the shopping for of the pants is making me stabby.

That's all.

Homo Out.

PS why is Blogger being such a jackass? I have edited this bitch three times and none of them have stuck. I r not amused.

Tags: boots, random poop, amused, silly

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