Beauty Trends and I am SQUEEING.

Okay first of all the ever fabulous Bias_cut made a syndicated feed thingy. SO that means LJ users who aren't using feed readers can get me in your friends list and that is aweeeeeeeeeeeeesome. Find that here.

So next up, OMG OMG OMG.

This falls make up trends.

There is something especially squee inducing about trends lining up with my usual aesthetic preferences. I am talking like AWESOME.

Usually speaking I am not on the trendy side when it comes to anything. I have liked the same sorts of things for yonks now.

So when I spied Sephora's list of fall trends the squee'ing began like whoa.

Their Power Pouts OMG you guys, you guys OMG.

Have I mentioned lately my serious abiding love for all things big dark sexy shiny lips on myself?

Now let's talk products shall we?

And just so I'm being honest these are Amazon affiliate links.

First let's talk lipstick. Urban Decay has released some really gorgeous looking new lipsticks. Unlike some folks I really love the dagger packaging. I think it's slick and sexy. Different finishes, opaque to sheer coverage. I myself am all about the fantastic color Gash.

If you want to go with the bold lips if you're a little scared of bringing the drama, keep your eyes neutral, pack on the mascara and go.

I myself am really digging the classic glam look as seen here. I will also be sporting this look.

Yes my darlings I am all about bringing the drama.

Next thing beauty related.

For cheaper versions of the hot trendy stuff. Avon has some pretty berry dark gorgeous colors of lipstick. Revlon has this awesome color on Amazon. Side note that is one of my favorite Revlon releases. Love the packaging, love the texture AND you can find some here at Beauty encounter for supa cheap.

For those of you less inclined toward the dark colors think raspberries, and other juicy pinky red fruits. Another less bold but just as beautiful lip product to check out. Revlon's SuperLusturous Lip gloss. I have about four or five of these give or take and they are gorgeous colors. If you have Big Lots in your area keep your eye on them because a lot of the time they will have special release colors for a bargain.

Check this out, I love Temptalia and she has a dark lips contest going. See details over at her blog "_blank">here. I am going to do a look for this and I'll post it. I already have one in mind.

That is a nifty segue into something else I want to talk about.

Inspiration.

I get tons of inspiration from all over. Pictures of people I think are beautiful. Music, flowers, candy. Here is a link to my ever growing (no seriously that's not even a quarter of what I have saved) photobucket make up inspiration folder.

Also I get inspired by music.

The look I am thinking about doing for Temptalia's contest is totally inspired by this video.

It's not the video necessarily but the words.

When it comes to make up, you never know where an idea might strike.

I have been listening to the above album non stop for like two weeks.

Now a quickie review.

I am tentatively giving Mac's Blot Powder a thumb and a half up. It's done me pretty well today, my skin looks fairly dewy tad greasy in spots but I haven't touched up or blotted so that's impressive.

Um.

OH I have some new shades to try out from Aromaleigh so I think tomorrow unless I go all diva crazy I will use those.

Also working on the video thing. I figure I will make a little video of something silly and then if I dig how it turns out then BAM beauty videos out the wazoo.

I've got my blogrolling blog list going again. I will be adding more as I go along.

Also outfit pictures tomorrow because I look really cute today.

Homo Out.

Tags: annoyed fat girl, beauty

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Beauty review some musings and nonsense.

Okay first of all can I just say that I think I have a poltergeist that lives somewhere near my head?

I say this because yesterday my hair was up in my usual kick ass ballerina style bun and when I took it down when I got into bed my hair was SO goddamn tangled. Like the aforementioned poltergeist had been in there and just had a good time.

So I rebunned and called it a night. I'll probably just deep condition and wash it tonight. Bloody hell.

Also due to several near soakings due to the recent rain my hair has been super poof. Like whoa.

Oookay beauty news.

First of all now that I've seen more swatches from Mac's Cult of Cherry I decided I can go without the quads but I must have some of those lippies. MUST.

I don't think I mentioned it but somehow I managed to misplace my first sample order from AromaLeigh. Months ago I had ordered maybe 15 bucks worth of samples and weeks ago could not find them at all. One of the things I love about AromaLeigh is that when you order all samples you get free shipping which is awesome.

Aromaleigh samples don't come in jars which is fine with me, they come in neat little baggies that are stapled at the top so no loose ones get out. And you get a couple extra ones with each order, also awesome. And the samples are very bountiful more than enough to decide if you really like a color or not.

I also highly recommend following the owner MissK's blog for first word on sales. I really enjoy her posts.

Now for the good part let's talk about some products.

I know I should really include pictures but we'll pretend I did.

My favorite color thus far is from the Gothic Lolita Collection. I was actually pretty surprised by this because the shade I purchased called AquaNightmare (see a pic of the shades in this collection here) at first didn't look like something I'd really love. But that shade looks amazing on me. You get intense color payoff with AromaLeigh products and as we all know I am a color fanatic.

The other day I did an experimental dark burgundy-ish purple look that I will recreate to take pics of, based on a tutorial on youtube. This lovely lady Leesha and her homie who's name I've forgotten but he goes by Petrilude have been doing Disney inspired looks. I used this one (Ursula from the Little Mermaid) as my inspiration. Something he said and did with a little pop of brightness I think he mentions wet sea creature skin made me want to try something like that. And I like how it worked out so I'll recreate it like I said and take some pics.

I've now got about uh, 15 or so different pigments and liner samples from AromaLeigh and the ones I've tried are gorgeous but my favorite product remains the Indelible Eyeliner Sealant. I've used this to create the custom liquid liners that I love. I've used this with Mac pigments, Fyrinnae loose shadows, Aromaleigh Shadows, Pressed shadows and it works beautifully.

My new favorite thing is a stripe of Mac teal wet lined with the sealant, buttload of mascara and bright shiny shimmery lips.

Next up I recently picked up a few new Fyrinnae samples and once again Fyrinnae BRINGS IT. I have been a Fyrinnae fan since I stumbled on their website about two years ago or so. Theirs is the only finishing powder I put on my mug.

I picked up a couple of their brand new Lip Lustres and wow. First thing is the price. The price is astonishing considering the quality of product you get. I've said before that I really love getting hand made things but these are really beautiful. I am right now wearing Acidic Cherry and the little swatch does not do it justice.

The 3.5 ml size is perfect for a pocket, or to test it out and at 2.50 come on now. Excellent bargain.

The color is this gorgeous rich burgundy. What they don't mention in the little description is the slightly metallic finish that is really very pretty. It's more shimmery than shiny but, a quick top coat of whatever clear gloss can fix that. My lips are prone to dryness and I find these a tad drying without lipbalm under them. They don't smell overpowering. The scent and taste is nice and light, the texture is not gloopy or gross. In a word, these are awesome and full of win.

I actually plan on picking up a truckload more of these than I had first anticipated because they are gorgeous and I am a lip product LOVER.

In other news.

I am looking for a new pressed powder which wouldn't be a big deal but, I have such a hard time finding lady of color who wants pressed powder shades increasingly difficult in Seattle. And I really fucking hate running all over the place to find of all things a goddamn compact.

So I am thinking I am going to go more high end. Screw you Covergirl, screw you Revlon and MOST of all screw you Bartell's Drugstore.

Right now I am emailing companies to find out how their products stand up to really oily skin because I can't afford to buy fourteen different things.

I'm not in a huge hurry for this right now mainly because I go more full coverage as the weather gets colder because my skin really loves cold weather and I love looking velvety and flawless.

Unfortunately the primers that work the best I can't use. Anything with dimethecone in it cannot touch my face or my face freaks out like Armageddon. The Milk of Magnesia as a primer along with my powder primer works well so what I need for that little bit more coverage look is pressed powder.

Currently the front runners are Mac's Natural Mineral Skin Finishes, Iman's oil absorbing pressed powder, Make up Forever's Velvet Finish and one by Sephora that I can't recall the name of. Hopefully after some research I'll be able to settle on one of them.

I'm also in the market for some fabulous type mascara and have been reading Clumps of Mascara religiously. She does some really nice reviews on different mascaras both high and low end which is always nice.

Today I am rocking a look I've utilized in varying degrees since I was a teenager. Lots of black eyeliner. I've got a serious cat eye going on and dark muted lips.

Um.

OH yeah. I picked up a brush order from Eyes Lips Face (if you are interested in registering with them can I pretty please be your referral? I want to earn free shit I won't lie) about two weeks ago or so.

Their shipping is kind of slow and some of the stuff is well worth a dollar.

But I do really really love their eyeshadow brush. Most of their other brushes kind of suck but I love this one. I have six or seven of them and they are pretty perfect for me. They are a tad on the big side so if you have a smaller eyelid area you might not want to use this one. But for me they work. They are easy to control, easy to use. They could be a little heavier in the hand but that's not a big deal to me.

The blending eye brush isn't too bad either. It's not as fluffy as the one pictured and is a pretty good size. It's not super fantastic but it's not super crappy either. Overall if you just want some damn brushes Eyes Lips Face isn't bad.

Although for face brushes (foundation, overall, bronzer/blush) I still prefer EcoTools. And I retract my earlier good review of the Sheer Minerals face brush. That thing is a piece of shit. It has gotten so scratchy like I melted some of the fibers which is impossible since I don't yanno use it over an open flame. I will never again buy any of their brushes.

And that's it my beautiful darlings.

As always if you has questions feel free to ask.

Also, I PROMISE pics and tutorials coming soon like.

Homo Out.

Tags: annoyed fat girl, beauty

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New and fabulous.

So new things.

I have included a new thing that is a computer generated audio podcast version of each post. It's imperfect but really nice. Listen while you surf. And you can subscribe to just the audio.

That is pretty cool.

And some beauty notes.

I went to a dear friends evening wedding yesterday and got into the purple section of my collection. And tried a new product, and a new technique. The photo. (I know I look mean I always look like this)



(Click the picture for a bigger view)

I wanted to go for more coverage on my face than usual so I applied my tinted moisturizer as usual then used a baby buki brush, and my Bare Escentuals foundation and buffed the hell out of my face. Before doing that I used my Milk of Magnesia on skin that I cleansed with warm water, then after that dried I used my Happy Minerals primer powder.

Random Rimmel blush.

On the eyes, I used my Fyrinnae eyeshadow base that I applied with a brush. I used to use a sponge tip applicator then blend with my fingers but, I have really long nails and scratched myself doing that. I used Aromaleigh's Sand matte shadow all over the lid, then Mac's Grape pigment in the crease and outer corner. then Fyrinnae's Pro color in Predator in my inner corner, then I used a wet liner brush (Sephora angled liner brush with Aromaleigh's indelible eyeliner liquid stuff) under the eye. Lots of mascara.

On my lips is some Avon Mark Lipstain in Berry Bitten with Wet N Wild's Glossy Gloss Lip Gel in Tropic Glaze.

This lipgel is really pretty. Thick, with just a slight tint and lots of sparkly. I use a lot of lipstains and we all know I love really shiny lips and this stuff delivers. I also picked up the Candyglaze which is a clearish duochrome glitter that flashes pink. Say what you will about cheap make up but Wet 'n' Wild delivers some bang for your buck. I love their lip glosses entirely.

To tell you the truth, I often prefer cheap lip glosses. Less cost means I get to experiment with different colors and finishes without exhausting my wee make up budget.

Which leads me into more exciting news.

I am expecting a package from Fyrinnae!!! They have some new lip products out that I am really excited about. I picked Acidic Cherry lip lustre, Glitter Kittiez lip lustre, and Neo Universe eyeshadow. Excellent.

There are also some new releases I'm really excited about.

MissK from Aromaleigh announced that they are releasing some liptints based on their Rocks! Rouge colors. Oh how tasty I am absolutely going to snag a couple of those. I am really looking at Blank Generation. That shade looks so good on me in general. That type of color I mean. Can I get a HELL YEAH?

Shades of U has a preview of Mac's Cult of Cherry collection up. TR baby I'm looking at you, can we squee together? I know I'm going to have to get another So Scarlet lipstick, but I'm also really twitterpated Jam Packed Lipglass. Want so hard.

And let me point you to Jude from The Girly Show. Her youtube tutorials are really great I enjoy them a lot. And she's adorable.

Also take a minute and go vote for Scandalous Beauty in the Black Blogs award. I really enjoy her blog and videos and you should too.

B from Clumps of Mascara has her first youtube video up and it's a really pretty look. Absolutely worth a looksy.

And Jaime from Just Kiss and Make up is looking very cute with the red lips. (Her blog has music so check your speakers). I too am a fan of red lips. Although I often will go with a totally bold face and red lips. I will bring the goth drama when I feel like it baby. But I do love the classic mostly bare face with banging red lips.

Oh and I picked up some violently bright nail polish last night on our way home from my friends wedding. After I get my nails done I'll post a pic.

And OH yes my outfit from the wedding. I decided to wear a top that the bride loves, and I felt really really cute.

Almost everything here is thrifted:



So my usual comfy walking Mary janes, Express wide legged trousers bought at Value Village, sparkly empire waist top with lace panels(that you can't see in the picture) rhinestone peppered bodice thrifted on LJ, silvery grey velvet shrug bought over at Fatshionista yonks ago. The bag I'm carrying these days is a little ammo bag style messenger bag I picked up on Amazon a few years ago.

I was comfy, felt cute. Everyone loved the shrug. I loved the shrug. I don't know why I don't wear it more often other than I keep meaning to replace the bow with a more substantial ribbon.

I also love those pants. They were a super score for four dollars at Value Village. I didn't even know Express made anything over a size 12. I didn't think they'd fit when I bought them but I do love how they fit.

Okay that's really all. I'm going to go deep condition my hair and make some coffee before the boys (Uniballer and our new roommie who I'll call um...hmm, I'll have to think up a nickname for him.)

Tomorrow or next week I'll put up some of my thoughts about what Julia posted over at Fatshionista. I think my perspective on the intersections of fat, fashion and blackness are a new view.

Ok that's it really. And let me know what you think about the audio transcriptions and if you think some of the booboos are as funny as I think they are.

Homo Out.

Tags: annoyed fat girl, beauty

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Beauty time now.

For the moment I am taking off my sex advice hat, and my annoyed fat girl hat. It's beauty time.

We all know by now that I have a little bit of a problem with buying beauty items. I love them. I can't help myself.

So yes, I can admit it I'm a wannabe beauty editor too. And right now I have some stuff to review. No new looks to post sadly because I forgot to take a picture this morning. I really should have my make up is BANGING today.

First thing.

I am right this instant going through amazon page by page and putting things into my affiliate store. I'm up to about 10 pages of beauty products that I like and recommend and if it's good I'm going to be using my affiliate links for some of these beauty items.

Now product reviews.

A couple of weeks ago Uniballer, our new roomy who I will call QT and I went off on errand running adventures and I picked up (totally at random) a Basis cleansing bar for sensitive skin. I picked this up because my skin has been acting a little funky and I figured it'd be good to have something gentle to keep it clean.

But holy WOW. My skin has been far less greasy (I have oily skin like whoa) and so soft. My cheeks are like butta. And it removes eye make up well, doesn't leave my hands feeling peely and gross. Four thumbs up for this. And bonus it's hella cheap. I mean like cheap. What kind of makes me mad is that it works way better than the expensive Neutrogena shit I tried not too long ago.

Next up some Aromaleigh products.

I am having such a love affair with AromaLeigh right now. I picked up their Indelible eyeliner Sealant and I repeat, OH MAH LORD. I've done two looks so far with this product and it's really good stuff. Using pigments wet is something I really enjoy. Using other mixing medium type products sometimes isn't that great. Products like Mac's Eyesafe Mixing medium, home made glycerin and water mixing mediums can get expensive. The Aromaleigh lasts and did not smear at all despite my watery eyes.

This is absolutely replacing my beloved Avon Custom liner transforming liquid.

Four thumbs up.

I also picked up a Nourishing Color Cream from their Gothic Lolita collection in a color called Lollypop. From their site:

Lollypop... a delightful cherry red (cool/neutral red)flush of color! For just-bitten sweet cheeks and lips. A special edition here to stay from our Gothic Lolita Collection.

On first sight it's a gorgeous color. Deep and slightly metallic. Sadly though this looks absolutely asstastic on me which is sad. I tried using it as more of a stain and that didn't help. I mixed it on my lips with a slightly different shade of red gloss and no go. I'm really sad about that because it's a very nice product. I'll be slicing the top of that off and trading it away.

Now for some beauty link round up.

Silver Lips Beauty & Musiq Heaven. Lovely to read. I really enjoy her product reviews a lot.

Second Skin Beauty. She has contests, is funny and does some great reviews.

Reflections of Beauty. Charming, good reviews and she has cute friends.

Miss K of Aromaleigh who I've mentioned before. But always worth a read.

Scandalous Beauty. of course. I enjoy her youtube videos and her blog a lot. I highly recommend her.

I just recently started reading the Indian Make-up Diva. Absolutely worth a read even if you just go to have a look at the pictures.


The Makeup Girl. Another blog I just started reading recently.

And I think that's the round up. I probably missed a few people but those I read regularly. I told you I'm an addict.

My next review will probably be of the Covergirl powder I picked up on Ebay, more AromaLeigh since I have a crapload of pigment samples from them I have yet to try. I will also probably do some lip gloss reviews and recommendations.

All right goodnight pretty people.

Homo Out.

OH and remember, my sex advice column is a go. Head to this page and ask me anything.

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Beauty, and Friday whatnot.

It's Friday, I don't have shit to do...no wait yes I do.

The above was a reference to the movie Friday which is one of my favorites to this day.

Okay oh wait before I get to the pretty and sparkly HI guys (this is where you picture me waving madly at my monitor) welcome you commenting hotnesses.

Now if you've read me for awhile or know me I am a beauty fanatic. I LOVE all thins sparkly, cosmetic-y, and make me feel fancy and fabulous.

Now my budget is not one that is conducive to feeling fancy or fabulous but I have developed some fool proof ways to not only experiment with some fantastic high end stuff but to learn new techniques and whatnot.

So first.

Money. I don't has a lot of it. So I joined some make up communities on LJ and since I started getting into mineral make up I have discovered the joy of samples.

I've already done some pimping. I am a HUGE Fyrinnae fan. I use their eyeshadow base, I have a ton of their eyeshadows and their oil control mineral finishing powder is the motherfucking bomb diggity. I also love the fact that their products are hand tested, doggy approved and frankly having cosmetics I know were packed just for me makes me feel fancy.

I am a recent lover of AromaLeigh products. Read the lady in charges Miss K's blog here. The colors of the shadows are excellent and the sample deal is off the chain. You get extra samples and free shipping on an all sample order. And there is plenty of product in the samples for quite awhile. I am in ass over tea kettle love with her Rocks! Sonic Eyes shades.

And we can't forget Ebay. I very randomly back in December purchased a sample of Happy Minerals Oil control primer powder and have gone back for more. I was a tad skeptical at first because my skin is insanely oily and has pretty much defeated every other primer I've ever tried.

To give you an idea I've tried:
Smashbox Photo Finish Primer. Generally speaking primer, foundation and powder are things I'm willing to shell out the bucks for but this was awful. I bought a 14$ sample of it and used it as directed then experimented a little and it broke my skin out something awful. It made my face look greasier and my foundation application was weird. I didn't like it at all.

I've also tried a product Cornsilk used to put out a mattifying gel. Didn't work so great either. I've tried so many things.

The Happy Minerals powder primer is hands down the best I've tried. And unlike some other mineral make up I've tried it does not get chalky or ashy on brown skin which is a huge plus. Every day I wear make up I use it. It's silky, lovely etc.

And if I'm going for uber hot smooth matteness I will use Milk of Magnesia on my skin first in a thin layer. Wet a cotton pad (I hate cotton balls) and very very lightly smooth it on, use your fingertips if you get any puddle like spots. Let that dry, then with the Happy Minerals on top BANG DAMN HOT.

Okay so we've covered the hows of making some fabulous on the shoe string budget.

Also I keep saying it over and over again but sign up for beauty newsletters. I signed up with Sephora and when my birthday and spending cash came around I got some fabulous things and Sephora actually sends some kick ass samples that you get to pick with your order. Awesome.

Next up let's discuss brushes. Unlike a lot of make up lovers I won't tell you to toss the little applicators that come with your eyeshadows a lot of the time. I keep mine and use them to put on my eyeshadow primer, to fix oops's, occasionally I like ot use the edges to line my eyes.

I LOVE make up brushes too. My little collection is growing quite a bit. I don't tend to buy expensive brushes. And I don't use a whole lot of the different fancy ones. For basics these are what I use:

The first brush I pick up is one like this Flat Top Bronzing Buffer brush from Coastal scents. And let me remind you darlings, you absolutely do not have to ever use a brush according to what it's called. Use it for what it works for. I use that brush to put on my powder primer, it gives a more even layer than the big puffy brush I was using.

Then my trusty Eco Tools Foundation brush. Purchased at Walgreens during a 2 for 1 sale. Now I don't do this every day, it really depends on my mood and how much time I want to spend. I mixed myself up a tinted moisturizer with SPF that is more tinted than you can generally find them. Cheap and easy. I used some Oil of Olay Complete all day UV defense and mixed it with some left over Maybelline liquid foundation I had laying about. I put the lotion in a little plastic flip top bottle that came with my portable train case, then added foundation in wee squirts until it was the consistancy I wanted and voila. It cost probably 7.50$ all told and is lasting me forever. I use my foundation brush to brush my mix on and I smooth any lines with a cosmetic sponge or my fingers.

Next, my handy dandy trusty kabuki brush. Mine looks like this one but it's a different brand. I use it with my Covergirl Freshlook pressed powder in soft sable. I will probably retire this because frankly it is too goddamn hard to find it in my color. I am movin on up (because of mah economic stimulus dood) to a Mac MSF. Anyhow, I swirl my buki in the powder and buff away. I actually really love doing this. Even when I skip the tinted moisturizer my skin looks and feels really lovely.

Then if I feel like it blush or bronzer. Or more likely I pick up my buffer brush again or my big fluffy brush like this one. Dust myf ace with my Fyrinnae finishing powder and voila. My face looks awesome and I am happy with that.

Most of my eyeshadow/liner brushes are from Eyes Lips Face. They are pretty damn good for costing only a dollar. I have a few fancy high end brushes bought either on livejournal or ebay. I haven't noticed a huge difference in quality. Not as big as some make it out to be.

If you haven't wandered off glassy eyed in boredom I am going to talk about why I do and love all this shit. I'll try to keep the flippancy to a minimum.

There was a time when I tried very hard to fit in with some feminists I knew. My nails went unpainted, my face unsparkly, I didn't admit to owning glitter and made damn sure The Man would not find me attractive. I hated it.

These women were doing the one cardinal sin when it comes to trying to educate me. Don't make the assumption that I perceive and deal with societal pressures the same way you do. Ask me.

When someone did finally ask me, my answer then as it is now. It makes me happy. From the time I was around 4 and almost had a heart attack in joy because my tap dance at class had a recital in which I not only got to wear a black and white tutu with sequins but I got to wear make up. I was a child in ecstasy.

I know you could show me your book learnings that would tell me that no I was only excited because of the models set for by the governing (and evil) patriarch and I was (and am) just a poor hapless victim who doesn't know better. You could.

And then I could show you my pointy nailed (currently painted a blueish silver) middle finger.

I attribute my rejection of these things out of hand on lots of things. I was an only child for a long time and spent blessed hours alone. My fantasies and other childhood entertainments were based solely on what made my wee heart go babump. Included in that were hours and hours of dress up and giving myself make overs.

I remember sitting poring over old magazines for hours with my mother's small make up collection spread around me and me ever so carefully emulating the frosted eyes and too much mascara that was the thing then. And you know what? Those were very very happy hours.

As I have gotten older, the bulk of my self esteem has come from some wellspring inside. If I feel like I feel good in there, I am more than happy to do stuff with the housing. IF that means I want to wear my jeans a hoody and a tiara, a look replete with rhinestones on my face and fake eyelashes I goddamn well will whether you like it or not.

I will say this, one last time and I hope to never have to say it again.

It (whatever aesthetic choice I've made that day) is not about you. It's not about your Dad, your boyfriend, it's not about whether or not I am heterosexual or not. It's not about "playing a role", it's not about what society says I'm supposed to do. It's not about a political statement or refutation of a statement.

My big glossy lips and sparkly eyes are not for you. I don't care if you're a man or a woman or inbetween or neither. It. Is. Not. For. You.

Who am I trying to impress?

Myself so fuck you.

NO really fuck you a lot.

The only person who ever has to absolutely without reservation love me, is me.

This is the crux of the intersections of my fat, femme, queer flavored, black life.

My body, how I treat my body, what I do to my body, how I might adorn it has fuck all to do with you and everything to do with me.

Some might say this is ego masturbation and I don't care.

The hardest person to please in my life is me. The worst most evil critic I know is me. I am the one who can hurt me the most and I am also the one who can lift myself from the gutter. Me.

And you know what?

Right now, right this very instant I am in love again. I have finally after 31 years on this Earth shed enough skin to know that I am mostly ok. I am in love because I am secure in my knowledge of myself. I know myself better than anyone and I think I'm pretty fucking cool. I have finally after all these years let go of my continual searching for the right words from other people to affirm what I already know.

Fuck that.

Fuck it right in the goat ass.

And now some links.

Read Sarah's new sex toy blog. And check out her banner down there at the bottom of the page. And I am SO happy I am 99% sure I get to see her on Sunday which is win.

And LaToya from Racialicious is in Bitch Magazine this month. That is pretty kick ass.

Check out what Fillyjonk had to say about tattoos over here. I am fairly into the tats and whatnot myself and will probably do an entry about it at some point fairly soon.

Via SassySays I found (totally not safe for work)Human Variation project. That is super fucking cool.

Go have a looksy at what Davitta (who still refutes being Queen of Black People) said about dieting and talk about dieting.

And lastly FatChic posted about Lola and Gigi clothing and I am kind of in love.

I leave you now my darlings. No photo today. I am not in ze mood.

Also I still keep forgetting to get batteries for my damn digital camera. Bloody hell.

This weekend I have a couple of interweb related projects that I am going to work on. One of them I may or may not get up tonight is my about me page. Something better than the sill blogger profile.

Homo Out.

PS...send dark chocolate stat.

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On Beauty

I want to talk about beauty today.

I have been interested in beauty, cosmetics, make up, photography and my wacky ideas about beauty since I was a very little girl. And let me say this before anyone starts throwing gendered hooha at me, I am fairly positive that had I been a wee boy I'd still be into these things.

I remember being four or five years old and my Mom was a hair/look model for a Joico salon. I remember going to the salon with her on weekends when it was closed and her stylist Ramone (Ramon was not that poor mans name but, I renamed people as I saw fit as a child and I decided he was a Ramone.) Ramone would set me up my own station, full lights and with his personal make up kit, give me a hand full of disposable brushes some magazines and let me go.

I never once made a mess of his make up. What I did was flip through fashion magazines until I saw a look I liked then I would painstakingly recreate it on my wee face. I probably had about a 50% success rate. I watched Solid Gold and copied the high sparkle looks. I was looked after by drag queens sometimes who let me play dress up in their closets and put make up on them.

Okay slight digression here but I believe I've discussed my childhood love of the lead dancer from Solid Gold. Thanks to Wikipedia I have learned her name and here's a picture:



OMG OMG OMG.

OH EM MOTHERFUCKING GEE.

The minute I saw her picture I was immediately flooded with my childhood love of Ms. Tall Dark and Fabulous Darcel Wynn. And here is a photo gallery. The hair, the legs, the skin, the cheekbones and goddamn it she could dance.

Okay sorry. Back to beauty.

So right even as a wee tiny kid I still had my OH SHINY love of all things, yes shiny.

My ideas about beauty have been since way back when very wide open and not entirely linear. I never absorbed the "you must be this to be beautiful" type message that's out there so much. I don't really have an explanation for that.

Even then I remember thinking people like Grace Jones were SO amazingly beautiful. I thought my best friend Marie's Mom was amazingly beautiful because she had this astonishingly lovely pelt of sable pubic hair that I'd seen while her husband was painting a portrait of her. I remember that particular afternoon with serious love. Marie and I sat kid of behind and to the side of her Dad at his easel, her Mom was naked and sitting on a stool. I had never actually seen someone make art so it was all very important to me.

I also thought that this biker we met at the laundry mat was beautiful. Yes he was big and kind of greasy, yes his beard looked like it might've housed small vermin but he had the most awesome smile. Big and kind of snaggletoothed, and I was in love.

I find glory and beauty in so many people and things, it's just not even funny.

Moving onto the personal, as in my own person.

I know on first appearances some days I look like a drag queen blew up on my face. I know and that's ok.

The whole reason I am so into cosmetics, hair care and other similar sparkly pursuits is that they make me feel good. I could quite frankly give less than two shits if someone else likes or approves. I like making myself feel good.

I like feeling fancy.

Feeling fancy to me is when I get in the tub and discover I have another scoop of that tasty smelling sugar scrub I like. Or when I find another make up company that offers sample sized things. Wearing hand made anything makes me feel fancy and special.

And fuck you but I like feeling fancy and special.

Maybe it's because I grew up pretty poor, or because I've spent the vast majority of my adult life on the bottom edge of the working poor but goddamn it, those little moments of feeling fancy and special make up for a whole lot of bullshit.

And I don't care if other people think it's silly.

I don't care if anyone else thinks maybe I should work on not being fat rather than being fabulous every mother fucking day.

I. Don't. Care.

In other beauty news.

I probably mentioned earlier in the week or last week that I picked up a foundation brush. It's the foundation brush from Eco Tools as seen here. Overall a nice little brush. Decent weight, good fiber density and a very good bargain.

So I mixed my Oil of Olay moisturizer with SPF (YES black women need SPF too) with some liquid foundation I had. I think it was uh...I don't remember. Anyway I've been applying this mix with the brush after putting on my rice powder primer, then I do a good sweep of my CG pressed powder, and top it off with my Fyrinnae oil control powder and wow.

I was a little skeptical about this technique because of how amazingly oily my skin is. Also after I finish applying my skin looks wet and dewy which I'm not accustomed to but it looks fucking fantastic. Several people commented on the fabulousness of my skin.

I also have the EcoTools eyeliner brush and really like it. It's about the perfect size and I actually like it more than the same brush from Smashbox.

And okay so I have to redo my AromaLeigh looks because the pictures sucked but I will tell you, I. Love. This. Stuff.

I tried one of the freebie samples a color called Old Gold and it is so shimmery and gorgeous. Like a lot of gold shades it shows up very bright and green on my brown skin and it's fabulous.

FABULOUS.

So look for my full review (after I've tried some more colors) hopefully this weekend.

And in conclusion my fabulous darlings a picture of my favorite recent make up look. All shades of Purple Mac Pigments, (click the photo to go to my Flickr for the details)

That look totally made me want to touch myself in an inappropriate way.



Happy Friday.

Homo Out.

(PS...I'll probably make a post at some point this weekend explaining my sign off there, it's a cute very gay story)

Tags: beauty, make up, MAC

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All that glitters.

Oookay I'm talking make up today.

First of all (just for you Regina) let's discuss Milk of Magnesia and the state of my skin.

My skin is absolutely not digging this Winter and has (as I've mentioned previously) buck wild. My skin is oily like WHOA oily so I've been struggling. I have overhauled my skin care routine and it's now fabulously simple.

I use baking soda mixed with warm water to exfoliate and cleanse. I remove make up with those pre moistened towellette things. It's helping.

Now I have been on the hunt for about ten years for something that would control some of my shin, wouldn't show up chalky against my brown fabulousness, and didn't make my sensitive skin freak out. I have used all sorts of stuff to try and mattify my face to no avail.

My skin can defeat almost every matte product I've tried. So in my search I believe I ran across this tip on LCHF but I might be mistaken. I am test driving using a light layer of Milk of Magnesia (yes the stuff that makes you poop) and thus far I like. I shook the bottle and used my fingertips to apply a thin layer of liquid to my T zone and cheeks and eyelids. Not very much mind you just a little.

Initially I really liked that it did not turn chalky on drying and I noticed when I was putting my powder on it made application very smooth.

Now it is about four hours later and my skin is dewy but not shiny so far MOM gets an A++ from me.

Also I am test driving my M.A.C MSF. I got one like this. I got it from one of the Mac communities on LJ and it is so beautiful. I applied it as a bit of a highlight on my cheeks, the tip of my nose and chin. It's subtle and shimmery and gorgeous. I am officially in love.

I'm wearing very neutral shimmery make up today. I'm also test driving some of the stuff I got from Cherry Culture and as a vendor they get a HUGE A++.

I am wearing the Princessa Jumbo Eye Pencil in Copper Frost. With a simple black cat eye and lots of mascara. Light berryish lips.

I really like the color pay off of this creamy pencil. Unfortunately it's not quite as BLINGING metallic as I was searching for but it's still lovely. I really like it a lot. If I was more awake earlier I probably would've done a coppery lip as well but I dig the berry.

My lovely friend Sessa has put a bug in my ear about doing some make up tutorials and once I figure out how to get a decent make up picture (still have yet to master that) I will probably be doing that. This weekend I am going to try to do one because I have been feeling a very Ronnie Spector inspired bad girl look. If you don't get that think Amy Winehouse but less cracked out and way hotter.

And yes people I do love make up so much I save pictures of fabulous make up on my computer. I did the same thing as a kid I would cut out make up photos out of magazines and sit and try to replicate them. Starting around age 5 or so. Some of my fondest childhood memories involve me sitting in the bathroom for hours practicing lining my eyes and doing insane frosted eyeshadow then of course dressing up and having runway shows.

So yes. I do really seriously love it.

Also honestly I never follow make up trends. Because I don't give a shit what someone else likes really. I like what I like. Not that I follow trends in anything else for that matter.

Okay I think I'm about done. I've got a banging ass headache and need to make some coffee and eat something.

Later taters.

Homo Out.

Tags: beauty, make up, new stuff

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3 In the morning.

I'm not asleep I am sitting at my desk topless with conditioner in my hair after I did a henna treatment earlier.

I know I'm such a party girl.

I have devoted the weekend to making myself feel pretty. Next up eyebrows re getting waxed, my moustache is getting removed and I might even paint my toenails.

My skin has gone buck wild this last few weeks and I am over it. So I am stopping use of anything soap related and going to be cleansing with baking soda and moisturizing with aloe until it calms down.

OOh I also picked up a good little haul from Cherry Culture some very well priced eyeshadow, glitter liner, etc. I really love that site. They carry both low end (Nyx) and high end (Sugar cosmetics) nice layout easy to navigate. Tasty stuff.

I think I am going to pick up some Avon Mark Mattifier on Ebay as well. I really am in need of a good oil absorbing primer. Or I might try Milk of Magnesia. Actually I'll probably try that first.

I'm still on the hunt for the perfect lipstain. The Avon Mark KissInk is close but not quite it. I'm leaning towards trying out the Liptini brand stain. I've seen good solid reviews and the colors look like what I'm looking for. It's pricy but if it does what I want it to, it's absolutely worth it.

That isn't to say I am not still in love with my lip glosses. I am a lip gloss addict certifiably. I LOVE them. I have more than anyone really needs and dig em.

The stains I'm looking at I want a base to wear with my more sheer shimmery glosses or some clear gloss for big vinyl wet shine lips. I think that is teh hawt. I'm not really into matte lips so much anymore unless it's a classic blue based red lip. Or a good dark brick red.

Okay that's enough. I'm going to go remove my moustache then get in bed and drink cocoa and eat tiramasu.

Don't say my life ain't luxurious when you know it is baby.

The above a bastardized version of a Katt Williams quote.

Homo Out.

Ah yes I will link up my hair journal later on probably. Goodnight party people.

Tags: beauty, make up, hair, pretty

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On the D List Baby!

Finally I have something in common with Kathy Griffin aside from a foul mouth.



D LIST!

The Low Authority Group [D-List Bloggers]
(3-9 blogs linking in the last 6 months)
The average blog age (the number of days that the blog has been in existence) is about 228 days, which shows a real commitment to blogging. However, bloggers of this type average only 12 posts per month, meaning that their posting habits are generally dedicated but infrequent.

That's really funny to me.

Anyhow.

Today I actually want to ruminate on beauty. First go read this Margaret Cho entry...I'll wait go ahead.

Back now? Fabulous.

I love beauty. I love it and find beauty everywhere constantly. I'm one of those people you'll find staring open mouthed at the grain of the sidewalk or something glittery fluttering in the street.

In people I find I have a serious love for odd looking people. Overlarge features, strangely canted mouths. However I'm not really super picky I can find something beautiful about most people.

However if you're an abject douche I will probably think you are fug.

Oi my friends I am a tired little Beasty.

I want to go home, put my jammies on and drink some beer.

So that's about it for me. Although you can go read my second ever attempt at a screenplay here in my El jay. It is entirely based on what goes on in my head when I'm way over tired.

And goodnight.

Homo Out.


ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzz!!

Tags: beauty, random poop, writing

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Wait...what?

Have you ever had that moment? You know you're talking to someone or reading something and you're right there with it then all of a sudden, blankness. All you can really say is wait...what?

I've been having that kind of week in general.

Between reading horrific fucking news that I refuse to link to because then I'd have to see it again, to (this part is good) me getting praise and a raise at work I've been feeling kind of odd.

As a reward to self for doing good at the old JOB I have decided that I am either going to start saving for a new tattoo or a biggish shopping spree sometime this winter I can't decide which.

I also this week managed to introduce several veritable strangers to HAES and my view of Size Acceptance and why I am a part of it. That was pretty cool. And it all started because I followed a fat girl for two blocks downtown Seattle only to ask where she bought her shoes.

Turned out we were catching the same bus so I told her about Fatshionista, FattyVore and a few others.

Speaking of Fattyvore I still don't really know how I feel about that particular community. My individual style is really way out in left field to me. (As an aside I'm watching a documentary about Lions right now and I watched a teenaged lion totally drop his ass on another lion's face and it cracked me up) ANYWAY before I get more distracted I was talking about my particular style and Fattyvore. I am not entirely into it.

Also can I talk about porn? Why does nobody in the Fatosphere that I've found talk about fat porn? I don't know. So I will.

I like porn. I like looking at naked women in particular. Sometimes for absolute artistic reasons other times because it makes my girly bits tingle. And in case you can't figure it out from my subject matter here, the following links are not safe for work unless you work somewhere, where they are naked booby friendly.

One of my absolute favorite fat nude models is Miss Super Hot Ass Blu Velvet. Oh my Goddess OH MY GOOD LORD she is fucking hot. There is something about that woman, actually OKAY I'll just say it, it's her ass. She has the most gorgeous plump round expanse of booty. I want to take her over my knee, spank her til she squeals then probably bite her butt. I have a thing for butts. I love them.

I am also very into Miss Curvaceous I am very into Alt style models and I just love her. Fabulous hair, creative shoots and I just love her face. She looks like she'd be kickass to hang out with and probably do evil things with.

Also a heads up to LJ users, I found most of these folks via the Voluptuous Pinup Community. If you're into fat girls being photographed all done up and pretty like it's a good one to join. Also good to join if you are a fat girl who likes to get done up all pretty and have your picture taken.

Next up let's talk about Curvosity. They are the largest BBW network of nudie sites and it's run by nice people. It's set up like Suicide Girls but, it's all big girls looking gorgeous. They also have a community on LJ where not only models from their sites show it all off but, they also encourage new people to post photos.

Moving on from strictly the porny side of things I want to talk about something else I love and that is Fetish Photography.

I have been a lover of fetish photography for a really long time. I have some favorite photographers, favorite websites and books but, my big issue with this genre of erotica is that a lot of the time the models seem a little cold to me. Not their personalities per se but, there is so much of the same thing over and over again the appeal just isn't really there for me anymore.

To be perfectly honest I'm tired of the same few body types. There is the thin and waifish (think Kate Moss in PVC with some tattoos or crazy hair), there is the thin with a slightly chunky butt (think JLo in PVC with some tattoos or crazy hair), there is thin with huge boobs (think any celebrity with big fake jugs in PVC with some tattoos or crazy hair). Calculate for the many permutations of body mod, hipster dress/undress, and yeah.

What I like personally is the real. If you're not kinky, just to tell you that the vast majority of people in the world of kink (like the rest of the word) don't look like models. They have stretch marks and pimples and wrinkles and saggy boobs, saggy balls hairy asses and everything in between. That is really what I want to see in pictures. It would in fact turn me on 150% more to get a little taste of the real to fuel my fantasy.

When I pick up a book, a magazine or go to a website all too often I get more of a sense of fashion photography than actual sexual excitement. Sex isn't digitally smooth and pretty, it's not high fashion. That's my personal preference.

As much as I complain I honestly have yet to grow enough ovaries to make my OWN goddamn fetish art. I've been kicking around the vague want to do my own thing with some nudie photography and honestly I'm not quite there yet. But every image I see that just doesn't do it for me, or if you took away the body mods could be any fashion model I feel a little more of a tug to do it. It could happen.

While I'm on the subject of fetishes let's discuss the whole fat fetish thing.

For me, fat is not a fetish. I am not into feederism, or any of that look how much the fatty fat fat eats while she's naked type thing. I dislike both and feel like they can be exploitive and dangerous.

I'm not into it. I'm not saying that no one else can be, but I will caution people that feederism especially can be a dangerous thing. From what I've seen and read a lot of the men who are feeders at the root want absolute control over another individual in a way that strikes me as slimy and evil. It's one thing to knowingly hand power over to another person, it's entirely another to find yourself at the mercy of another person because as they want to feed you, you want to keep them etc. Granted I don't know all the particulars but let me just say, please be careful and love yourself to know the difference between abuse and love. That's all I want to say about that.

Now from photos let's move onto the written word. This next bit, seriously is probably going to come off as blatant Hanne Blank ass kissing and I don't care. I have already professed my fangirl status to Ms. Blank personally so everyone else think what you like.

She has been involved with some of the hottest most fabulous erotica. Seriously. Let's make a list.

Zaftig: Well Rounded Erotica. Edited by Ms Blank is a seriously hot collection. I bought it right when it came out and wore out a copy.

I also firmly believe that everybody who is fat, or having sex with someone who is fat should read Big Big Love:A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them. Seriously, put the condoms away right now put your pants on and go buy this book. I insist.

If you're new, just cruised in from the Fatosphere or randomly found me yes, I like porn a lot. I enjoy adult things. And I like to talk about them.

Also none of these links are affiliate links or anything so I'm not bullshitting about my appreciation of them.

If you are a fellow porn lover, enjoy. If you don't like porn, I hope you at least learned a little something.

That my darlings is about all. I want to write Anthony back and drink more tea.

Homo Out.

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Weight, loss, genetics and other things.

I was reading TechnoDyke's journal this morning and she posted a link to an NY times article about obesity and genetics.

I think it's an excellent article and everyone should read it. Fat or not.

What it brought to mind aside from a twittering of OH SCIENCY GOODNESS type feelings are the far more complicated feelings I have about my weight.

First off, my perspective on the issue is I think an odd one. I have been under and overweight and everything in between. I also have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to shuck myself of the way it's put out there that one is "supposed" to think about weight.

I want to work from the past forwards here. I might start rambling I don't know. You have been warned.

Since first hearing about genetics and how they think it all works (let's face it, it's still a large mystery) I remember being very young and feeling not quite bad but close to it because I knew from the get go I would not be built like the women in my family who I had access to. My Mother, Grandmother and Great Grandmother all have body types far different from mine.

I am short, broad shouldered, short legged, short torso'd, big tits.

My Mom and Grandma are both tall and spent a majority of their lives being very thin, very very thin and after age 40 somewhat less thin.

My Great Grandmother (R.I.P Nana I miss you) was about average/tall height and prior to getting old very curvy. Classic hourglass.

Until I was about 12-15 I had no idea that I was built like all of my Great Grandmother's Aunts and cousins. It wasn't until I saw a photograph of a Great Aun taken sometime in the late 60's early 70's that I understood this. I understood it immediately and viscerally because I thought on first glance that it was a picture of me taken from the side. She had on a short black dress, no shoes and her hair was big and wild. The photo had been taken after some party or another.

I finally got it after years of feeling a little out of place. I saw the woman I might grow up to be physically and for awhile, I was damn excited.

In those days though admittedly sometimes I longed for the flat bellied lithe look of my peers, I actually kind of enjoyed my body. I was still in that space where my body was this fantastic thing that I could use to dance and walk and (surprise surprise..at least to me) look and feel desirable.

Though I spent far too much time exeercising, trying to maintain what I felt was my "best body" to steal a phrase from womens magazines I wasn't really happy still. I did learn some things though.

Thousands of crunches, weight lifting etc still will not make me a hard body.

This body was made for comfort and looking like the plush hotness. Muscles and my body don't get on well.

Cellulite happens.

I took these things and for a few years even after high school when I was lost and scared and felt the most like the weird girl out, I still felt okay with my body and as I found out my fatness.

I was not meant to be a thin woman. After years of abusing my metabolism, abusing my joints with heavy impact exercise, eating crap ass food because it had less calories than whatever else I wanted, all that sacrifice and insanity and goddamn it my body still did what it wanted to.

Can you imagine? I spent the better part of a decade of my teen/post teen/earky 20's in this vicious useless cycle. What for?

Granted for short periods I found that abstract place where I thought my body was perfection dipped in milk chocolate. Looking back I was wrong.

Wrong because I honestly look strange (in a not unique or interesting way just bad strange) when I'm thinner than say a size 10-12. I was wrong because my body was suffering. I was starving and mean and hateful because I was fucking hungry. I was miserable and not cute. Which defeated the whole shebang.

I still believed earnestly that thin=good=happy.

No my equation was way off. thin=kinda shitty=fucking depressed.

That was not good. I woke up from that and spent a few years in a blissful state I like to call I just don't give a fuck. And you know what? I didn't. I felt god, I looked good, I was finally at body/self image nirvana it was fantastic.

That brings me up to now.

Where am I now?

I am not thrilled with my body. Aging I accept, feeling feeble I do not. After a series of falls, mishaps etc I have managed to fuck up my back enough that I have to be very careful with exercise so I don't hurt myself. I have joints that are to put it sweetly fucking crappy and I have to be careful.

Sometimes a normal amount of activity leaves me aching and unable to sleep.

Thus I have become less active.

Thus I feel less healthy and all round icky.

Is there light in the tunnel?

Yes there is. I have rediscovered a love of dancing and have a goal to have learned enough belly dance to go to Tribal Fest in two-three years. I am walking about 1.5-2 miles a day. And I have figured out my body isn't going to change that much so I should enjoy what I've got.

And what have I got?

I have a fantastic, (no seriously) FAN_FUCKING-TASTIC rack. I have phenomenal beautiful boobies. I love them.

I have nice soft skin. I have firm an shapely calves, I have a jiggly slightly protuberant belly. I am learning, no relearning how to enjoy this one body I get. It's hard and I damn sure don't do well at it every day but I'm working on it.

To that end I have decided that this summer I am doing two things that I haven't done in more than five years. I am going to go try on clothing until I find a dress that fits and a pair of pants. I am also considering buying a bathing suit even though I don't swim much.

If you've never had body issues it doesn't sound like a big deal but a lot of you know where I am coming from.

That said, now I am going to eat some fucking chocolate and have a cup of very fine coffee because I can.

Homo Out.

Tags: body image, fat, obesity, self love, body love, big girl love, fatness, NYtimes

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I am trying...it's been a day.

First a quote from a prayer by Rob Brezsny's website:

EAR GODDESS, sweet Goddess, you sly universal virus with no freaking opinion:

Please help all the personal growth addicts out there to become disciplined enough to go crazy in the name of creation, not destruction.

Teach them the difference between oppressive self-control and liberating self-control.

Awaken in them the power to do the half-right thing when it is impossible to do the totally right thing.

Arouse the Wild Woman within them—even if they’re men.



Most of all, Goddess, brainwash them with your freedom so that they never love their own pain more than anyone else’s pain.

I have been (nothing new I know) very stressed out lately today I am feeling emotionally very transperant and fragile. A wrong word might I don't know crack me across the forehead or some such.

My own Wild Woman Within is fucking asleep or she's dead I'm not sure. I hate this feeling.

Everything feels somehow wrong or out of place and I don't like it.

However I do see the value in it and want to be able to get through it. I am trying very hard to remember that the Universe/Gods/Goddesses/Uncle Fuckers out there are not trying to kill me even if it feels like it. I can breathe and I will be all right.

One thing that makes me feel better is I finally got my syndication (feed) issue sorted. Look on the right there and you can add my feed to google or you can subscribe via the email. Nudiemuse all up in yer inbox yo.

So as my emotions are going weee...OH HAY LOOK YOU GOT TEARS I'm going to share a little memory.

Imagine if you will your very own Nudiemuse in the 6th grade. Just getting into super fabulous make up, and into pastels. No seriously pastels I shit you not.

So when I was in the sixth grade I developed myself some very cute little boobies however I was very averse to wearing a bra. I also loved to dance back then. And I was into HUGE hair. Hair hopper. I kid you not. So this big dance came up at the Tukwila Community center and of course I wanted to go. Which I did.

I spent probably four-five hours getting ready. I crimped every inch of my thick just past shoulder length hair then man handled it into a hugely crimpy on one side, slicked back over the ear type do. Then the make up.

Brace yourselves.

Shimmery shades of pewter and gray from lashes to eyebrow. Sadly I was actually better at blending back then but whatever. I'm talking high frost BLING from back in the day. And of course what to go with it. Wet N Wild fuscia lipstick.

And the outfit.

Pastel colors of course, save for my acid wash jean skirt mini, white ankle socks, lavender faux Keds (because I didn't wear real Keds those were fucking expensive) a pastel peach tank top and the topper a pastel lilac huge shoulderpad having blazer. I was a Miami Vice worthy hottie and fucking knew it. I. KNEW. THIS.

So armed with 4 dollars, 3 for entrance and 1 for a soda or whatever I went to the dance.

I danced my wee heart out and was chosen by the D J to participate in a dance competition. With older kids. Eighth graders.

What I remember is dancing my wee heart out and making it to the last two. Dancing with a cute boy who's family mine knew for years. And I won. Then he gave me a hug and said I was a great dancer. I also recall slow dancing with this boy to some Def Leopard song.

That was one of the first time I felt (I didn't understand at the time) a sense of power and awe about something I could do. I felt beautiful.

In the intervening years I've found and lost that feeling many times over. Felt like I could conquer the known world with gigantic brains and a formidable bust. It's a good feeling to me. I want it back.

It's difficult when the real adult word presses in and I'm spending time worrying bout work, money the future to feel just powerful and beautiful.

It's a sacred thing to me and I believe I will get it back.

I have to believe that.

Homo Out.

PS..feel free to get my blog via subscription that would be cool.

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Blogosphere wanderings.

Been wandering random blogs today. I found some good ones.

The Thinking Blog. This one is interesting watch the multiplying large numbers video. Granted math isn't my strong suit but that was cool.

Also go read A Celebration of Curves. Enjoyable and smart. DO IT.

I've also been musing (as ever) about beauty.

My sense of what beauty is on a personal level has been in some bit of tumult recently. Not so much an issue with my self esteem (though yes, that does waver) but more akin to whether or not I stick to what please me or should I "grow up".

My personal aesthetic has (unfortunately? fortunately? who cares?) not changed in a long damn time. I know what I like and what makes me feel like a thing of beauty.

That said, I wonder sometimes if I am stuck (for good or ill) in this for reasons I can't quite get my head around. Or am I just still the same black nail polish wearing jangling clothes loving weirdo?

I'm really very seriously leaning towards the latter.

I say this because most of (hate that I put it this way) mainstream when it comes to beauty and fashion just doesn't do it for me.

Clothes, make up, other surface things are costume to me. It makes me feel good in my warm insides to present myself to the world in a way that (to some) is just weird. And yes that's okay.

I think that last bit is what makes me want to cease questioning myself about this. I think I need to focus less on trying to, for lack of a better term tone myself down rather I should find arenas where I can be as weird as I wanna be.

Hard thing to do.

I know that I'm happier and more loving towards myself when I let go of the idea of what I'm "supposed" to do/be. My fabulous ass was not meant to fit in a box no matter what shape said box is in. I know that when I treat myself nicely, and take care of myself I feel like I am in love with myself again and in turn I love the world a little more.

I know intellectually that my whole "I GOTTA BE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" spiel can get tiresome but, I do mean it. And thankfully I've grown out of the "I'M TEH SPECIAL AND BYOOTIFUL SNOWFLAKE" attitude to realize that while yes, some things about me are indeed unique I am in fact a conforming non-conformist to a degree and I am ok with that.

I have also grown out of feeling like I have to apologize for my love of girly things. I do not believe that me waxing my eyebrows, not shaving my pubes, painting my nails, wearing lipstick etc makes me any less or more a feminist. That school of thought is not for me and I am okay with that. Now. There was a time I wasn't okay with that and I tried very hard to change but, no. It's unnecessary and silly.

So far in my 30th year of life I have relearned some things that I lost sometime between my teens and twenties. I have also decided the following for the record:

• I have a fantastic rack. I admire it daily. My boobs are a wonder.
  
• My pubes are not the business of anyone. Theoretically, academically or politically.
• Politics+my pussy=anger. Keep yours away from mine and everything will be fine.
• I'm odd and that too, is ok.
• Not everyone thinks I am fabulous. That's ok.

I think that's about all for right now.

Actually no I lie.

I'd like to give you my dream of a few scenerios.

We all remember they Tyra Banks is Fat. Nonsense.

Instead of tears and "why you call me faaaat" type of response here's what I would've liked to have seen.

Imagine this, if you will:

Ms. Banks in her favorite jammies with whatever she likes to snack on in her lap.

Interviewer watching her munch with that look of faux concern mixed with glee.

Interviewer: So Tyra, you've gained some weight? Are you okay? Do you need an intervention to curb your addiction to tasty treats?

Tyra: (Eye roll, because come on have you seen her eye roll it's fantastic) Yes, yes and no.

Interviewer: *blink...blink...getting teary now*We're all so worried about you, what will happen if you get...well you know.

Tyra: Bitch you like cookies too. You look kinda hungry you want a cookie? Here have a cookie low blood sugar makes you an asshole.

End with Tyra and her interviewer happily having snacks and discussing booty jiggle.

That's what I wanted to see.

That and I think I have found my calling. I need to be a Celebrity Truth Sayer.

Yes you read that right. I will let celebrities especially ones who tend to say/do stupid things in public pay me to tell them to shut the hell up. Or put on some panties. Put on a real shirt. Wear a better wig.

I won't charge a lot and i will mentor them.

I will be the person to say,

"Brit Brit, honey no. Put on a shirt, and lets go buy you a good wig okay?"

"Paris? SHUT UP. Put on some panties and shhh...no really shhh. Stop."

"(insert other celeb here) Psssst...cameltoe...CAMELTOE pull it out."

"Nipples, hey put something over those before someone loses an eye."


You get my point.

I would teach them not to say things they know goddamn well are stupid.

Also as a note I love that Tyra felt up Rosie O. I think Tyra is obsessed with boobies and she may examine mine anytime she likes. As long as I get to touch her butt. Reciprocation is key people.

Okay now I'm really done. I'm tired and it's almost time to go home.

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