And then I said..

I have a seriously really bad makes me kind of want to die kind of migraine that is settling in my neck and head. So instead of serious I am going to show you some clothes.

Also Lindsay thanks and I would totally lay a smooch on you.:)

Old Navy is actually kind of catching my attention these days with things like this silver metallic pleated skirt. My brain immediately saw that with one of my black tanks, some cute flats and bam cute summer outfit.

This summer I'm really leaning towards that kind of look. I have a fucking TON of skirts of varying sorts. I really need more. I have been having issues finding just the right summer dresses that don't offend my delicate goth sensibilities or look like my boobs will just pop right out. There's a time and place for that and at the bus stop in downtown Seattle is not it.

I am developing an unhealthy obsession with not really high wedge heels since I walk so much. I have some sexy ass calves and I think that would be the hotness.

Also if anyone wants to buy me something buy me this skirt reconned by Ugly Shyla. I bought a straight black skirt from her with the same design and just love it. But that circle skirt is screaming my name.

For that skirt I would probably wear a wide patent belt and um...use an actual razor on my legs.

Okay I have to digress here for a minute.

If I see one more person whining about how "family values" are endangered because the homos can get married in some states I am going to have a fucking stroke.

Say what you fucking mean. You mean "Christian heterosexual nuclear family values" you fuck.

Family is not just one fucking thing.

Gods.

You people make Jesus weep with that. You know that right?

Wow migraine+apoplectic for a minute is not a good combo.

Moving along.

I found a new fat fashion blog and you should read it I like this lady. Fat Chic. She posted a link to an old youtube video with former model and author Nancy Hayssen.

You can see her NSFW famous response pic to that freaky anti anorexia ad that was up quite awhile ago here.

I really like that shot a lot.

It's now past one in the morning and I am really tired but migraine mania is clawing at my brains and I'm feeling kind of OHEMEFGEEWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE right now.

Fuck.

So here I am to ramble.

I was trying to organize my flickr account and sometimes I forget that goddamn I am fly.

So in celebration of my hotness I present mah hams.

Mah hams...let me show you dem.

First foto hams crossed.



I used to be so self conscious about my big ole meaty thighs. Even when I was quite painfully funny looking thin, I still had myself some big ole hams. Now, yanno I am kinda digging them. I'll have to get uniballer to take a shot of me standing in a short skirt but they are pleasing to my eye. I dig the shape of my hams. They have curves that I enjoy. I'm entirely thankful I don't have thigh bone+half inch of meat. Cool if it's what you've got but that's not for me.

And one of my beloved "spilled coffee" birthmark high up on my left thigh. That is a mole in the middle of it and yes I get it checked.



Forgive the weirdly lit webcam photos I totally don't feel like unplugging my digital camera from Uniballer's computer.

That birthmark is my favorite of all of them that I have. I spill things all the time so it's just kind of funny.

And I totally do not have pants on. It's not Half Naked Thursday but I am half naked.

Also yes, my hams are kinda dimply and I STILL dig them. Yes I do.

Ye gods the weather change has my skin from scalp to feet going buck wild and I am dry and itchy on the stems and greasy in the face.

I also have stretch marks. *GASP* oh noooooooooooooez.

And it's not because I'm fat. It's because I went through puberty fairly quickly and when skin loses elasticity for any reason BAM stretch marks. I used to really super hate those as well but now, fuck it. All the women in my family have them. Whether on the booty for the tall skinny ones like my Mom and Gma or round the arms and boobies for the short big titty having ones like me. It's not that big a goddamn deal.

Okay I am going to go get in the tub and exfoliate my ass until it's shiny and smooth. And I am going to remove a layer of fuzz from my stems because my legs are itching like hell and so dry I want to kind of dunk myself in a vat of Crisco.

So goodnight my darlings.

Tomorrow, new make up pics in the flickr, and if I can find all the components, a hot ass outfit.

Homo Out.

Tags: big girl love, body image, fat fashion, random,

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Not all here yet.

I'm not entirely back up to fully functional so you get fluff.

Which means, clothes and boobs.

First though let me welcome new readers.

I'm Shannon, your insane hostess. The quick cast here, Me: AKA Beasty, Muse, WeeBeasty, Fluffer. Uniballer: AKA One Hung Low, Byootiful. So called Uniballer because he only has one testicle. Srsly. Cookie: AKA My Fucking Road Dog. My Bitch. My fantastic lady who I love like you don't even know and who likes to admire my boobies and fondle them in public. Um...various other people.

I generally blog from work. I like porn. I like boobs. I am a wee bit of a boot whore and will probably turn tricks for the right make up.

I am fat. And let's pause there. I am what has come to be known as an Inbetweenie. Generally speaking in pants my ass likes a Torrid size 12. Tops it really depends on how hoochie I want to be. The D Cups of Doom make this possible. In realm of the Fatosphere, I'm on the low end of the totem pole as far as size and readership which is ok with me. Sometimes I talk about things that other fat bloggers (at least from what I've seen) don't. You won't find studies or science here because I'm not really into it.

I will talk about clothes because I love clothes, make up, underpants, my own ass, my boobs, big girls representing in the adult area of the interwebs, and or whatever else crosses my mind about fatness.

I am also an author who will occasionally pimp writings. I love books. I love music. And if you like pina coladas, and walks in the rain please try the next ad. Pina coladas make me puke.

I'm absolutely so goth I was born black. I will sometimes say things about race that make people cringe. If you're stupid, willfully stupid I will be mean to you. I don't censor or remove comments like ever. However, it's been a few years since I've had a troll so time may tell.

So onto clothes.

I am in dire need of shirts and quite frankly I'm having serious trouble finding ones I like. I don't want shit like ruffles, sparkles, things dangling from my tits on them. I Do. Not. Want. What I want are workable plain black, burgundy, purple, other jeweltones and maybe red shirts that are stretchy and last.

I think a trip back to Target is in order for more of their Long and Lean tanks for layering and maybe a trip to Old Navy for some of their shirts.

There are also some fancier tops that I want from Lip Service however I'm going to have to scour the intertubes for them because every single one I want is sold out at the store in XL or XXL. Annoying.

I recently joined the Lip Service Forums and I urge you big booty having folks to joint too. Represent people. I want bigger sizes of fucking Lippy back. I'm more than tired of trying to squeeze it into stuff or deciding if I can wear a cincher with something to make it fit. I can FINALLY fucking afford some Lippy and I am thwarted by not being skinny. Fuck that right in the goat ass.

Did I mention I curse a lot?

Moving on I am already on the hunt for something to wear to the office Christmas party. Last year I looked pretty damn cute in my stompy goth outfit. I wore this Tripp waitress/schoolgirl black dress I've had for years and years, some fancy brown (same shade of brown as me) tights, my fantastic Buckle Whore Demonia boots. I also got dressed in the dark because there was that horrible storm and we had no power. This year however I want fancier.

I'm a little torn but I think I want to build an outfit based on this Malco Modes skirt from um....shit wait. HA check it, this is the base. I want the skirt in black and the petticoat most likely in either purple or maybe some other color.



You get the gist though. With a cincher, probably not that one though. But that is the idea there.

With either my hot as hell patent knee high lace up boots or some other equally sexy shoe. I want to look fucking fancy.

I have no problem flying my freak flag at company functions. These people have seen me with the infamous (and much mourned) bright purple buzzcut. So sad I miss that hair even though the upkeep drove even your very own uber Femme o' doom insane.

Speaking of hair I am tempted to get Goddess Braids for the party too. Or maybe some kind of fancy weave.

That reminds me I'm keeping a hair care blog as well. I am -very- into learning how to care for my hair and retain growth. That can be read here. It's been a hard learning process.

I'm seriously about spent. Miss Poison I'll be contacting you soon. I'm a little brain dead just now.

Time to go and um..drink tea and window shop on the intertubes I'm exhausted.

Homo Out.

Tags: boring, clothes, random poop, WTF, big girl love, fat

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Wait...what?

Have you ever had that moment? You know you're talking to someone or reading something and you're right there with it then all of a sudden, blankness. All you can really say is wait...what?

I've been having that kind of week in general.

Between reading horrific fucking news that I refuse to link to because then I'd have to see it again, to (this part is good) me getting praise and a raise at work I've been feeling kind of odd.

As a reward to self for doing good at the old JOB I have decided that I am either going to start saving for a new tattoo or a biggish shopping spree sometime this winter I can't decide which.

I also this week managed to introduce several veritable strangers to HAES and my view of Size Acceptance and why I am a part of it. That was pretty cool. And it all started because I followed a fat girl for two blocks downtown Seattle only to ask where she bought her shoes.

Turned out we were catching the same bus so I told her about Fatshionista, FattyVore and a few others.

Speaking of Fattyvore I still don't really know how I feel about that particular community. My individual style is really way out in left field to me. (As an aside I'm watching a documentary about Lions right now and I watched a teenaged lion totally drop his ass on another lion's face and it cracked me up) ANYWAY before I get more distracted I was talking about my particular style and Fattyvore. I am not entirely into it.

Also can I talk about porn? Why does nobody in the Fatosphere that I've found talk about fat porn? I don't know. So I will.

I like porn. I like looking at naked women in particular. Sometimes for absolute artistic reasons other times because it makes my girly bits tingle. And in case you can't figure it out from my subject matter here, the following links are not safe for work unless you work somewhere, where they are naked booby friendly.

One of my absolute favorite fat nude models is Miss Super Hot Ass Blu Velvet. Oh my Goddess OH MY GOOD LORD she is fucking hot. There is something about that woman, actually OKAY I'll just say it, it's her ass. She has the most gorgeous plump round expanse of booty. I want to take her over my knee, spank her til she squeals then probably bite her butt. I have a thing for butts. I love them.

I am also very into Miss Curvaceous I am very into Alt style models and I just love her. Fabulous hair, creative shoots and I just love her face. She looks like she'd be kickass to hang out with and probably do evil things with.

Also a heads up to LJ users, I found most of these folks via the Voluptuous Pinup Community. If you're into fat girls being photographed all done up and pretty like it's a good one to join. Also good to join if you are a fat girl who likes to get done up all pretty and have your picture taken.

Next up let's talk about Curvosity. They are the largest BBW network of nudie sites and it's run by nice people. It's set up like Suicide Girls but, it's all big girls looking gorgeous. They also have a community on LJ where not only models from their sites show it all off but, they also encourage new people to post photos.

Moving on from strictly the porny side of things I want to talk about something else I love and that is Fetish Photography.

I have been a lover of fetish photography for a really long time. I have some favorite photographers, favorite websites and books but, my big issue with this genre of erotica is that a lot of the time the models seem a little cold to me. Not their personalities per se but, there is so much of the same thing over and over again the appeal just isn't really there for me anymore.

To be perfectly honest I'm tired of the same few body types. There is the thin and waifish (think Kate Moss in PVC with some tattoos or crazy hair), there is the thin with a slightly chunky butt (think JLo in PVC with some tattoos or crazy hair), there is thin with huge boobs (think any celebrity with big fake jugs in PVC with some tattoos or crazy hair). Calculate for the many permutations of body mod, hipster dress/undress, and yeah.

What I like personally is the real. If you're not kinky, just to tell you that the vast majority of people in the world of kink (like the rest of the word) don't look like models. They have stretch marks and pimples and wrinkles and saggy boobs, saggy balls hairy asses and everything in between. That is really what I want to see in pictures. It would in fact turn me on 150% more to get a little taste of the real to fuel my fantasy.

When I pick up a book, a magazine or go to a website all too often I get more of a sense of fashion photography than actual sexual excitement. Sex isn't digitally smooth and pretty, it's not high fashion. That's my personal preference.

As much as I complain I honestly have yet to grow enough ovaries to make my OWN goddamn fetish art. I've been kicking around the vague want to do my own thing with some nudie photography and honestly I'm not quite there yet. But every image I see that just doesn't do it for me, or if you took away the body mods could be any fashion model I feel a little more of a tug to do it. It could happen.

While I'm on the subject of fetishes let's discuss the whole fat fetish thing.

For me, fat is not a fetish. I am not into feederism, or any of that look how much the fatty fat fat eats while she's naked type thing. I dislike both and feel like they can be exploitive and dangerous.

I'm not into it. I'm not saying that no one else can be, but I will caution people that feederism especially can be a dangerous thing. From what I've seen and read a lot of the men who are feeders at the root want absolute control over another individual in a way that strikes me as slimy and evil. It's one thing to knowingly hand power over to another person, it's entirely another to find yourself at the mercy of another person because as they want to feed you, you want to keep them etc. Granted I don't know all the particulars but let me just say, please be careful and love yourself to know the difference between abuse and love. That's all I want to say about that.

Now from photos let's move onto the written word. This next bit, seriously is probably going to come off as blatant Hanne Blank ass kissing and I don't care. I have already professed my fangirl status to Ms. Blank personally so everyone else think what you like.

She has been involved with some of the hottest most fabulous erotica. Seriously. Let's make a list.

Zaftig: Well Rounded Erotica. Edited by Ms Blank is a seriously hot collection. I bought it right when it came out and wore out a copy.

I also firmly believe that everybody who is fat, or having sex with someone who is fat should read Big Big Love:A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them. Seriously, put the condoms away right now put your pants on and go buy this book. I insist.

If you're new, just cruised in from the Fatosphere or randomly found me yes, I like porn a lot. I enjoy adult things. And I like to talk about them.

Also none of these links are affiliate links or anything so I'm not bullshitting about my appreciation of them.

If you are a fellow porn lover, enjoy. If you don't like porn, I hope you at least learned a little something.

That my darlings is about all. I want to write Anthony back and drink more tea.

Homo Out.

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Stuck in the Middle with you.

No, I'm not about to start singing that song to you. However I just read a really excellent entry by the lovely Ms. Kate Harding (go read it I'll wait here it'll even open in a new window for you). I really appreciate reading things like that.

What about my own experiences? My experience as a fat person has varied in many ways over the years. That was yesterday, go read her post today about dieting and go read the lovely Ms. Rotund too,. Done ok come back.

Personally I do not at this point in time have a political inclination one way or the other about weight loss. Aesthetically I do sometimes get sad when I see someone who loses a bunch of weight and (to me) looks unhappy or unhealthy.

What about me personally?

Well I suppose it all depends on how I put it doesn't it? If I say something like:

I am changing my eating habits and exercise habits because it makes me feel good inside and out.

That sounds okay doesn't it? Very much following the precepts of HAES and whatnot.

However if I said:

"I'm on a diet trying to lose ten pounds so I'll feel better."

Would people lose their shit and kick me out of the club?

Essentially I'd be saying the same thing. My base desire is the same regardless of how I put it. I think that's why I don't really have an issue with just the word diet. In my head I have stripped the word diet of all the nefarious connotations and rules and whatnot. I understand most people haven't but I have so the issue is a non issue for me.

What is an issue for me however when the why is ignored because someone used the d word. As I have been saying for years now I want my peeps to be happy and healthy. If that means they want to drop four dress sizes, fifty pounds, a hundred pounds whatever that is not my call to make. Nor is it my job to tell them, hey you are absolutely not going to be happy because I don't know that.

From my own experience, sometimes I am actually better smaller. Various reasons of course. Though they are usually joint pain, the clothes I own fitting properly. I am of the mind that yes, if someone gets pathological in their need for weight loss whether they are phrasing it in a HAES friendly way or using the d word I will say something. But it's not my place (or anyone else's for that matter in my opinion) to police someone else's body and vocabulary.

While I'm in a confessional mood I will cop to a few other things that may or may not cause people to like me less.

I am entirely uninterested in manifestos. Honestly I have never ever read one that made my heart go pitterpat and my fist pump in the air (and I've read many). I take serious umbrage at anyone (whether they have good intention or not) speaking for me or pretending to represent me because ya know what? You don't.

I don't care if it's race, weight, womanhood, queerness, right handed left hand masturbators (um sidenote isn't that the plural of masturbator?) whatever. I may or may not be a special and unique snowflake but goddamn it, don't tell me how I am feeling about something. Ask me.

I also still dream (although I have finally just accepted that unless I shoot up roids for years just will not happen) of being Linda Hamilton buff and/or becoming a ladies MMA/UFC stylie ass kicking mother fucker. People always think I am kidding but I am dead serious. I would LOVE to be able to put a serious beating on people. You people don't even know.

Also I would in fact crash diet for a chance to wear this. Because the biggest size would most likely not fit me and if I had someone to wear something like that, I would do it. I won't lie.

I think that's about all I have to get off of my chest right now.

Moving on today I wanna talk about sexy things.

Is it wrong that the Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds song O'Malley's Bar kinda makes me wanna fuck? While we're on the subject of songs that make me wanna fuck let's make a list shall we?

Tear You Apart by She Wants Revenge. The beat, the lyrics. Makes me wanna do dirty things.

Licking Cream by Skin and Sevendust. Lajon and Skin together=hot fucking sex.

And this lady Ms. Fabulous Beth Hart needs to get it from me while she's singing. Anybody who writhes around like that while singing has GOT to be a beast in the sack. The sound in the video isn't the greatest but youg et the idea.



Seriously people. ZOMG one more. Good LORD her doing this song is fucking sexy. SEXY.



Ok apparently I am feeling super lesbotronic today. So the rest of this entry will be an homage to women I want to do it with while they are singing.

Next up of course, Melissa Etheridge. I'm the Only One. Oh, my LORD. I went to see in concert by myself once and sat in this row of all these hot butches, when she did this song I shit you not I burst into tears. Got smooched and hugged by butches who thought I was very cute. It did nothing for my baby butch street cred but, I did get groped so that makes up for it. I fucking LOVE this woman.

If you haven't guessed already I am an absolute fool for a woman with some big pipes. I can't help it.

If you don't like loud screaming music skip this next one.

Otep. Ye Gods how I love me some Otep. Her voice makes me tingle in my private area.



I also want to do it with Anne Boleyn from Hellion. No I mean right now. No now.

And OMFG Sarah Jezebel Deva, I believe I've mentioned her before. The voice, the eyes good lord she can sing the panties off of me(if I wore any) any damn day she likes.

I also still have a mad girl crush on Lucy the former webmistress of Goths of Colour.

I think that's enough for the day. My back hurts and I need medication and something yummy. I believe the Bartlett pear I have on my desk will do for a start.

Homo Out.

Tags: fat, annoyed fat girl, big girl love, homo

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Lydia Motherfucking Lunch.

As you might guess from the title I absolutely love Lydia Lunch. She is amazing. Seriously one of my fucking heroines.

As you might guess I'm also an Exene Cervenka fan too.

So yes before you ask I really love women who are frightening and challenging. Big fucking brains are sexy.

One thing they both have in common are these fantastic creative lives that I admit I envy.

I have promised myself that if I am ever successful enough with my creative life to support myself in a comfortable way (read that as not working a regular job or at least working somewhere that loves the freaky people and pays them big pimping monies) I am getting the words "fuck you" tattooed on the inside of my right middle finger.

Why would I do such a thing?

The flippant answer is because I goddamn want to. The more serious and honest answer is that's quite honestly how I feel about your average regular life. I don't need fame or fortune. I have no desire to be on magazine covers and TV. What I awnt is to live and work in irregular and wonderful places. With strange people doing strange things. In places where the fact that I want (or have) fuck you tattooed on my finger isn't indicative of non-hire be suspicious status but rather, where people will say right on. I want to spend my life living around and working with people who will look at that and say, "You're a nut but I love it."

That's what I've always wanted but for a long time I was afraid to even hope.

I thought for a long time that my want to live this strange and wonderful life was asking too much. It was that whole idea that people who don't walk the line of what's normal and what you're "supposed" to do are either insane or somehow less than other people.

It wasn't until I really grew into my Fuck You attitude that I realized that nobody has any fucking right to tell me how to live my life or what to dream about. It was very freeing to reach that point.

I have reached the point that I can temper my feelings of fuck you with the knowledge that I can't always say it. That sometimes yes I'm going to have to lower the freak flag a little bit. But now instead of getting all emo about it I can deal. That's a relief.

What else?

OH holy crap.

So I got my hands on Amira's Bellydance 101 DVD this weekend but didn't get to preview it until last night. And oh dear lord how I love this woman.

The first thing that struck me when watching the extras is that Amira has this lovely voice and is not a fitness trainer or instructor. To clarify I don't have anything against fitness instructors/trainers who teach belly dance but, it can be a daunting thing. At least for me personally. I have to say it's far more difficult for me to not feel like, "OMG how is my fat ass going to do that?" stupid I know.

Also I love the way Amira talks about bellydance in the beginning of the exercise portion. She talks about it being open to everybody, and you can tell from her tone of voice and the way she speaks that it's not just lip service. Also the DVD is slow paced enough that I won't hurt myself and she does a great job of showing you what she's talking about so I am excited.

If I had 90 extra dollars I would SO buy this PVC dress. I've never really been quite so interested in PVC. Again because I thought I was too fat and jiggly for such things. But fuck that. I want SHINY.

I also want this underbust corset. I still don't understand people hating on corsets. Personally aside from the back pain easing they can do I love being able to pretty much entirely change the shape of my body at will. It's fun.

But then again I still enjoy clothing more as costume than anything else. My rather theatrical sense of style is still totally in effect.

Speaking of I am pricing buying myself a set of dreadfalls to wear during the winter. Although I found a US supplier for Elysee star dreads that I could possibly find someone to put in for me if I can't figure out how to do it myself.

So yes, I am retreating further and further into the batcave. And also trying to figure out how to incorporate some more absurd things into my wardrobe without scandalizing my workplace.

Also my clothing tip for the day for sizes 0 to about 26 is Frederick's of Hollywood.

In some of their items you can have measurements up to 52-45-54 or so. And of course if things are stretchy those can be fudged some. And they have super hoochie shoes that go from size 5 to 15.5. So listen big footed big titty havin hotties. Go get your hoochie on.

Also if something isn't listed in your size do not be afraid to call. I've been shopping with Frederick's for years and years and have always had friendly helpful people. I like them TONS more than Victoria's secret.

I think that's all I'm going to make tea and listen to music.

Homo Out.

Tags: bellydance, big girl love, clothes, synth dreads

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Don't hold your breath.

A lot on my mind today.

Aside from the heat I'll get to that later.

First health.

if you've been reading me for awhile you probably are already well aware that I am a believer and lover of HAES. My love of HAES did not come about because I am a fat woman. Actually it came about because as a thin woman I was unhealthy and unhappy. And I was astounded and confused.

I had reached that mythical place of the Thin and I was miserable. It wasn't until a nurse at my doctor's office suggested that maybe I was better off at a higher weight.

Wait...what?

She told me to just stop what I was doing and think about it. That was all she said and I was off and running.

Actually I stopped running because running makes my body not function properly.

So that in mind I am having a bit of a thing right now.

I feel crappy in general.

My joints and back have been hurting a lot and I've ruled out a lot of things except for the ten pounds or so that I've gained in the last couple of years. So my wonder here is this.

Am I feeling that I could try to lose ten pounds and see how I feel physically as some emotional residue of some sort? I don't really think so. I"m actually pretty emotionally OK with my current size.

I honestly do not want to have to go on arthritis medication. I don't want to at all.

What's sort of baffling in a kind of good way is that medication aside weight loss was my last thought. And actually a disheartening one. That in and of itself represents a huge change in thinking and feeling for me.

But it remains that I am going to slowly and gently revamp my exercise routine. See what happens and how I feel. Try not to get upset if my boobs shrink.

In other news not related to the size of my ass or how craptastic my knees are I found out via F-Words (not Gordon Ramsey..but go read her anyway right now) that the magazine Jane is shutting down shop.

I am not particularly sad about that. They lost me when after all the hype about diversity and body love and blablablabla they were essentially exactly like other ladies mags but liked to pretend they weren't. However I did enjoy Pamela Anderson's column. She's actually a very funny lady.

But I have to link to the "10 Things to Hate About Jane" article from Bitch Magazine. And OMG Bitch has a Blog. I know right? DUH Shannon of COURSE they have a blog. Shh.

I seriously just read the whole first page of that and my girl parts are all atwitter. I am in lurve.

Now back to news about my ass and fatness.

Yes my ass. I want to talk about covers for my ass. Pants and yes even panties. I know craziness abounds but I am having a moment.

So I want a new pair of pants. I want a pair of black pants. Not yoga pants. Not capri pants. I want black trousers. Preferably with a slight boot cut and that make my ass look good.

Do you know how hard my mission has been?

I don't want flashy doodads on them. I don't want anyone's name embroidered across the ass. My ass does not need billboard adverts.

It makes me and my ass cranky.

Also can we discuss for a moment stupid people?

So today I am wearing one of my favorite summer dresses since it was about 90 out when I left for work. Yesterday I wore a summer dress too. I skanked it up a little bit.

So right summer clothes.

So I was talking to this girl at the park and ride who is very cute. I see her all the time and she seriously Jams Out With Her Ham Out. (TD again I love you for putting that term in my head). Today she was wearing a short jean skirt, some hot cork wedges and a very cute babydoll style top. She is the hotness.

So we're talking and this girl walks by and says to my bus riding hot homie there, "you should put some pants on".

Now this is why I like this girl, she turned around looked down at the girl and said:

"You're an asshole."

Dead pan.

That makes me excited.

I am running out of steam and I am out of Chex Mix. Now I am sad.

More about shopping tomorrow because I have some $$ saved up for some thrifting.

Homo Out.

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Weight, loss, genetics and other things.

I was reading TechnoDyke's journal this morning and she posted a link to an NY times article about obesity and genetics.

I think it's an excellent article and everyone should read it. Fat or not.

What it brought to mind aside from a twittering of OH SCIENCY GOODNESS type feelings are the far more complicated feelings I have about my weight.

First off, my perspective on the issue is I think an odd one. I have been under and overweight and everything in between. I also have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to shuck myself of the way it's put out there that one is "supposed" to think about weight.

I want to work from the past forwards here. I might start rambling I don't know. You have been warned.

Since first hearing about genetics and how they think it all works (let's face it, it's still a large mystery) I remember being very young and feeling not quite bad but close to it because I knew from the get go I would not be built like the women in my family who I had access to. My Mother, Grandmother and Great Grandmother all have body types far different from mine.

I am short, broad shouldered, short legged, short torso'd, big tits.

My Mom and Grandma are both tall and spent a majority of their lives being very thin, very very thin and after age 40 somewhat less thin.

My Great Grandmother (R.I.P Nana I miss you) was about average/tall height and prior to getting old very curvy. Classic hourglass.

Until I was about 12-15 I had no idea that I was built like all of my Great Grandmother's Aunts and cousins. It wasn't until I saw a photograph of a Great Aun taken sometime in the late 60's early 70's that I understood this. I understood it immediately and viscerally because I thought on first glance that it was a picture of me taken from the side. She had on a short black dress, no shoes and her hair was big and wild. The photo had been taken after some party or another.

I finally got it after years of feeling a little out of place. I saw the woman I might grow up to be physically and for awhile, I was damn excited.

In those days though admittedly sometimes I longed for the flat bellied lithe look of my peers, I actually kind of enjoyed my body. I was still in that space where my body was this fantastic thing that I could use to dance and walk and (surprise surprise..at least to me) look and feel desirable.

Though I spent far too much time exeercising, trying to maintain what I felt was my "best body" to steal a phrase from womens magazines I wasn't really happy still. I did learn some things though.

Thousands of crunches, weight lifting etc still will not make me a hard body.

This body was made for comfort and looking like the plush hotness. Muscles and my body don't get on well.

Cellulite happens.

I took these things and for a few years even after high school when I was lost and scared and felt the most like the weird girl out, I still felt okay with my body and as I found out my fatness.

I was not meant to be a thin woman. After years of abusing my metabolism, abusing my joints with heavy impact exercise, eating crap ass food because it had less calories than whatever else I wanted, all that sacrifice and insanity and goddamn it my body still did what it wanted to.

Can you imagine? I spent the better part of a decade of my teen/post teen/earky 20's in this vicious useless cycle. What for?

Granted for short periods I found that abstract place where I thought my body was perfection dipped in milk chocolate. Looking back I was wrong.

Wrong because I honestly look strange (in a not unique or interesting way just bad strange) when I'm thinner than say a size 10-12. I was wrong because my body was suffering. I was starving and mean and hateful because I was fucking hungry. I was miserable and not cute. Which defeated the whole shebang.

I still believed earnestly that thin=good=happy.

No my equation was way off. thin=kinda shitty=fucking depressed.

That was not good. I woke up from that and spent a few years in a blissful state I like to call I just don't give a fuck. And you know what? I didn't. I felt god, I looked good, I was finally at body/self image nirvana it was fantastic.

That brings me up to now.

Where am I now?

I am not thrilled with my body. Aging I accept, feeling feeble I do not. After a series of falls, mishaps etc I have managed to fuck up my back enough that I have to be very careful with exercise so I don't hurt myself. I have joints that are to put it sweetly fucking crappy and I have to be careful.

Sometimes a normal amount of activity leaves me aching and unable to sleep.

Thus I have become less active.

Thus I feel less healthy and all round icky.

Is there light in the tunnel?

Yes there is. I have rediscovered a love of dancing and have a goal to have learned enough belly dance to go to Tribal Fest in two-three years. I am walking about 1.5-2 miles a day. And I have figured out my body isn't going to change that much so I should enjoy what I've got.

And what have I got?

I have a fantastic, (no seriously) FAN_FUCKING-TASTIC rack. I have phenomenal beautiful boobies. I love them.

I have nice soft skin. I have firm an shapely calves, I have a jiggly slightly protuberant belly. I am learning, no relearning how to enjoy this one body I get. It's hard and I damn sure don't do well at it every day but I'm working on it.

To that end I have decided that this summer I am doing two things that I haven't done in more than five years. I am going to go try on clothing until I find a dress that fits and a pair of pants. I am also considering buying a bathing suit even though I don't swim much.

If you've never had body issues it doesn't sound like a big deal but a lot of you know where I am coming from.

That said, now I am going to eat some fucking chocolate and have a cup of very fine coffee because I can.

Homo Out.

Tags: body image, fat, obesity, self love, body love, big girl love, fatness, NYtimes

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Things that bother me.

So I was wandering the blogosphere yet again and came upon the blog of some lady who's had WLS and spent a little time reading through some of her thoughts.

If I had known her personally pre and post surgery I don't think I would want to be her friend and that makes me sad.

I've known quite a few people who have lost astounding amounts of weight and it didn't turn them into fat hating assholes.

Why does newfound privilege as a non fat person make so many people unpleasant?

It makes me sad. Gaining self love, better health and a better body image doesn't mean you get to be a dick with impunity.

I guess that's all I actually wanted to say. It's bedtime now.

Be decent to each other.

Homo Out.

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News and boobies for change..

I was just cruising Reuters and saw this story about breastfeeding awareness in the Philippines. I think that is really cool that many women got together to make a point.

And speaking of boobies I want one of these years to go to TribalFest and dance. You have no idea how seriously cool I think it would be. However I do need to actually learn how to bellydance more before even thinking about it.

This is a really cool article about the history of bellydance.

Ugh i am getting a migraine so nevermind.

Homo Out.

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I'm a FAYREEEEE

So I'm again cruising the interwebs and I'm finding some really cool things that give me ideas.

Ideas are good.

I have a serious goal to get back into sewing because stuff I like is freaking expensive.

So.

I really love this overdress style. Very versatile looking and I bet if I made one with sleeves in a heavier fabric it would make a nice fall coat.

I also have this plan in mind to redo a coat given to me by a coworker. It's cute but not my style so I want to turn it into a three quarter length monster fur coat with a hood and ears.

I'm pricing materials and have been coming up with a plan to make the Beasty Coat live.

My ultimate goal here is to get to a point that I can just whip up whatever outlandish winged, chain having, furry outfit I get an itch for and thus save a shitload of money in the process. Which would leave money for fabulous shoes.

And who doesn't need their wardrobe to turn into a stygian morass of velvet and shiny things? Exactly.

I think I love Kiera Knightley a little bit right now. I just read this quote:

Talking about seeing Ditto at a Gossip gig she told Elle magazine: 'When she was performing she started taking all her clothes off. I stood there watching her strip, thinking, 'Oh my God, that woman is so sexy.'

I think that was a very cool thing of her to say. And from the rest of the article I don't think she was being facetious which I love even more.

I think it's sad that she gets picked on so much. Yes she is a very skinny girl. And from what she's said goddamn it leave her the hell alone about it. It makes me sad that she's made to feel badly about her body. Fucking stop. And how people are reacting makes me ill.

And really if any celebrity is actually suffering from an eating disorder does harassing them help? No. Frankly I'm over the whole debate. Let people work it out if they need to and leave them the fuck alone while they are doing it.

It's fairly maddening.

Onto happier things.

I ate some Beltane chocolate and will probably dance around a little.

I think this year I might actually celebrate Midsummer. I think going to the Summer Solstice Parade and Pageant might do me some spiritual/soul good. Naked Bicyclists and other random strange people is a good thing.

That would be a good excuse to dress up in sparkly fairy wear and make with the cuteness. That would be fun.

What else?

Not much actually altough I do have a favor to ask.

I signed up for this silly send money via text message etc service and for every person I refer I earn 5$. All you have to do is get an email sign up with any phone number, get a call at that number, listen to the message and press 1. I get five dollars and if you decide to use it you get 5$ too.

I want to make 40 dollars so I can purchase a relaxer and a few other random girl type things that I am otherwise too broke to buy.

Comment with email and I will send you an invite.

Now I'm off to do other GPT type things and try to earn some more loots for stuff.

Homo Out.

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Blogosphere wanderings.

Been wandering random blogs today. I found some good ones.

The Thinking Blog. This one is interesting watch the multiplying large numbers video. Granted math isn't my strong suit but that was cool.

Also go read A Celebration of Curves. Enjoyable and smart. DO IT.

I've also been musing (as ever) about beauty.

My sense of what beauty is on a personal level has been in some bit of tumult recently. Not so much an issue with my self esteem (though yes, that does waver) but more akin to whether or not I stick to what please me or should I "grow up".

My personal aesthetic has (unfortunately? fortunately? who cares?) not changed in a long damn time. I know what I like and what makes me feel like a thing of beauty.

That said, I wonder sometimes if I am stuck (for good or ill) in this for reasons I can't quite get my head around. Or am I just still the same black nail polish wearing jangling clothes loving weirdo?

I'm really very seriously leaning towards the latter.

I say this because most of (hate that I put it this way) mainstream when it comes to beauty and fashion just doesn't do it for me.

Clothes, make up, other surface things are costume to me. It makes me feel good in my warm insides to present myself to the world in a way that (to some) is just weird. And yes that's okay.

I think that last bit is what makes me want to cease questioning myself about this. I think I need to focus less on trying to, for lack of a better term tone myself down rather I should find arenas where I can be as weird as I wanna be.

Hard thing to do.

I know that I'm happier and more loving towards myself when I let go of the idea of what I'm "supposed" to do/be. My fabulous ass was not meant to fit in a box no matter what shape said box is in. I know that when I treat myself nicely, and take care of myself I feel like I am in love with myself again and in turn I love the world a little more.

I know intellectually that my whole "I GOTTA BE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" spiel can get tiresome but, I do mean it. And thankfully I've grown out of the "I'M TEH SPECIAL AND BYOOTIFUL SNOWFLAKE" attitude to realize that while yes, some things about me are indeed unique I am in fact a conforming non-conformist to a degree and I am ok with that.

I have also grown out of feeling like I have to apologize for my love of girly things. I do not believe that me waxing my eyebrows, not shaving my pubes, painting my nails, wearing lipstick etc makes me any less or more a feminist. That school of thought is not for me and I am okay with that. Now. There was a time I wasn't okay with that and I tried very hard to change but, no. It's unnecessary and silly.

So far in my 30th year of life I have relearned some things that I lost sometime between my teens and twenties. I have also decided the following for the record:

• I have a fantastic rack. I admire it daily. My boobs are a wonder.
  
• My pubes are not the business of anyone. Theoretically, academically or politically.
• Politics+my pussy=anger. Keep yours away from mine and everything will be fine.
• I'm odd and that too, is ok.
• Not everyone thinks I am fabulous. That's ok.

I think that's about all for right now.

Actually no I lie.

I'd like to give you my dream of a few scenerios.

We all remember they Tyra Banks is Fat. Nonsense.

Instead of tears and "why you call me faaaat" type of response here's what I would've liked to have seen.

Imagine this, if you will:

Ms. Banks in her favorite jammies with whatever she likes to snack on in her lap.

Interviewer watching her munch with that look of faux concern mixed with glee.

Interviewer: So Tyra, you've gained some weight? Are you okay? Do you need an intervention to curb your addiction to tasty treats?

Tyra: (Eye roll, because come on have you seen her eye roll it's fantastic) Yes, yes and no.

Interviewer: *blink...blink...getting teary now*We're all so worried about you, what will happen if you get...well you know.

Tyra: Bitch you like cookies too. You look kinda hungry you want a cookie? Here have a cookie low blood sugar makes you an asshole.

End with Tyra and her interviewer happily having snacks and discussing booty jiggle.

That's what I wanted to see.

That and I think I have found my calling. I need to be a Celebrity Truth Sayer.

Yes you read that right. I will let celebrities especially ones who tend to say/do stupid things in public pay me to tell them to shut the hell up. Or put on some panties. Put on a real shirt. Wear a better wig.

I won't charge a lot and i will mentor them.

I will be the person to say,

"Brit Brit, honey no. Put on a shirt, and lets go buy you a good wig okay?"

"Paris? SHUT UP. Put on some panties and shhh...no really shhh. Stop."

"(insert other celeb here) Psssst...cameltoe...CAMELTOE pull it out."

"Nipples, hey put something over those before someone loses an eye."


You get my point.

I would teach them not to say things they know goddamn well are stupid.

Also as a note I love that Tyra felt up Rosie O. I think Tyra is obsessed with boobies and she may examine mine anytime she likes. As long as I get to touch her butt. Reciprocation is key people.

Okay now I'm really done. I'm tired and it's almost time to go home.

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Oh for FUCK sake.

At the risk of sounding mentrually induced evil I really want the following.

Turkey sammich, wheat, lil bit o mayo, lettuce, tomato, tiny smear of dijon, sweet/spicy chili sauce, sprouts. With a side of very salty french fries and/or salt and peper chips.

And a beer. Preferably a RollingRock. Or maybe even the one with the big titty blonde on the bottle.

Anyhow.

Going to have soup and fucking soda instead.

I am not amused.

IN fact I am unamused.

My back STILL fucking hurts in a crunchy angry way.

In other news um.

I am wearing fabulous make up today. French violet MAC pigment all over my lid and a chartruese pigment cat eye.

Can we talk about hot women for a moment?

Mia Freaking Tyler. I don't think I can express to you people the kind of serious hardon I have for this woman. She is hawt. Biteable. OH. MY> LORD.

I say the following in all solemnity:

"Fat bottomed girls, you make this rockin world go round."

And I might add make me hot in the pants.

WHat else makes me hot in the pants?

BPAL stuff. I want so much of that stuff it is just not funny.

I also want (while I am on the subject...and I should make myself a cat macro while I"m at my wantingness) chrome yellow MAC Pro eyeshadow. I also want a fancy elliptical machine. And some microfiber bootyshort panties. And a gigantic cleavage bra and something to wear said bra with. Dust said ginormous cleavage with glitter and call it a day.

I want high heels.

I want stompy boots.

I want tattoos.

I want synth dreads.

WANT WANT WANT!

I also want a pair of fabulous glasses.

That's all.

Homo Out.

PS...seriously someone please yank out my spine and beat me the rest of the way to death with it. Kthnks bai!

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Ugh, fat rant and some people are fuckers.

No really.

I am kinda sick.

Actually I feel like stepped in shit.

I wanna go home.

Finances suck again.

And I feel a little ranty.

I have a lot of love for Queen Latifah. A lot. I have since I first heard of her back in the day. I rocked out to U.N.I.T.Y, I watched "Living Single" religiously. Okay I am OG Queen Latifah lover.

That said I am really not happy with her right now.

She announced her new Curvations Clothing line and as I first looked I was so excited. Gorgeous clothes, hot plus size models and then I started checking the prices.

If you look at the website linked in the article yes, her clothing is sexy and beautiful but, very expensive. I saw a one shouldered tshirt top for 68$ or some shit. T shirt material. More than sixty dollars.

Does she not remember what it's like to be poor?

Also her sizing only goes up to a size 22 and I don't like that. The whole thing strikes me as a marketing ploy. Less "I love my fellow big girls" and more "Let's make some fucking loot".

Mind you there's nothing wrong with making money. What I don't like is the faux rah rah I love you guys-ness.

Don't play at fat politics. Don't play at support when in the end we all know it's not about supporting your big booty sisters but, about bilking your big booty sisters for serious money.

I am unamused.

It strikes me as funny that now that I'm actually fairly chubby, and in all actuality right in the middle of "average" for an American woman that now my fat politics rear up all pissed off and whatnot.

I remember when I was actually a fair bit bigger than I am now wanting so badly to lend my help and ear and voice and getting rebuffed many times for "not really fat". Someone actually said those very words to me and I was so hurt. Hurt because despite my vehement support without any creepy "admirerness" or anything I was showed the proverbial door by lots of evil looks and the cold shoulder.

I think that's a big part of why lately I tend to be so reticent around any cause. While yes I might agree and want to champion something at the same time, I don't want to be outcast because I don't fit the mold. For all of my piss and vinegar I am actually very sensitive to that sort of thing. Fat activism wasn't the only place.

LGBT activisim. Yeah. Everything was fine while I had a girlfriend but when I started dating a boy yeah quite suddenly I was persona non grata amongst some of who I thought were my closest friends.

I never understood that mentality. Especially if you are well aware just how passionate of a person someone is and you dismiss them out of hand because they seemingly "break ranks". The fuck kind of shit is that?

However for all my vitriol today I actually did something nice. Which brings me to rant#2.

Be NICE to old people you fucks.

So as I'm getting off the bus today this elderly lady and her "companion" I put that in quotes because he was an asshole. So little old lady in her cute lavender polyester pants and with her cane could hardly get off of the bus and forgot to get a transfer. Even though uber fucker was hollering at her (from about fifteen feet away) to "get your damn transfer". SHe couldn't hear him. Fuck I could hardly hear him over the bus din.

I got her transfer and tucked it into her purse then helped her down out of the bus. She almost tipped over and fell and I put my arm around her waist and helped her to the flat part of the ground while her "companion" stood and tapped his toe. Turns out Miss Lady has very bad balance and "always" has trouble in that spot. She thanked me effusively and tottered to catch up to her "companion".

How hard is it to be nice to and conscious of old people?

I have hollered at more than one person for almost knocking someone down in their haste to get on the bus or off the bus. I would rather be late to where ever I'm going than to stand by and watch someone fall or have some other difficulty. I have more than once helped an older person use their atm/ebt card at the store. Or got them on the right bus.

Is it that hard to wait a goddamn minute?

Same goes for people with small children. Even if you don't like kids, you don't have to be a fucking dick. Let them pass. Or if you see someone struggling w/baby stroller grocers etc offer a hand it's a decent fucking thing to do.

Okay I think I am spent.

I am going to have some ginger tea and try not to stab anyone.

Homo Out.

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First off...

How cute is this:




That's me man.

If it was a little chunkier it'd look more like me.

Cuteness.

What else?

Had a nice relaxing weekend. Didn't do much aside from do more offers on Gangster Greed. I'm saving up for some hair stuff and probably a lipglass or two.

I've been sitting here for awhile, playing games and listening to music and singing. I will tell you gentle readers I still hold out hope that one of these days I will open my mouth and find my Big Balls Metal Voice-tm. I'm talking HUGE like I have been posessed by a bevy of metal bands and my ovaries are about to blow up.

*Le sigh*

Someday.

What else?

My hair is SO healthy and hot right now. Hot as in goddamn I have FINALLY figured out what my hair does/does not like. It's nice. Hopefully it'll be shoulder length by the end ofthe year.

Now if I could figure out the whole styling thing life would be copecetic.

Sometimes I feel so self conscious. I know this isn't true but I swear sometimes I'm the only black woman who can't do her own hair. Silly but I feel it. I braid badly, and yeah. I'm good at dying it and that's about it thus far.

And YAY I hear Ms Hotness Hudson won. I could give a damn about the Oscars but that's very cool. Now if Vogue had used photos as hot as I've seen everywhere fucking else, I'd be happy.

I have a serious feeling that the powers that be at Vogue decided that if they ~had~ to use a big girl they'd use pictures less than stunning as an example. Call me crazy but that's how I feel.

And now I think I'm done. I'm all full of tasty red beans and rice goodness and I stink and should bathe.

That's all, feel free to imagine me nekkid and in the tub.

Homo Out.

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