Holy hello Fatosphere.

Hi folks.

Welcome back.

My feed is back on there clearly.

And I already stand corrected.

Back in this entry I used a silly pulled out of my ass comparison to make a point about how information is presented.

Here's what I said in a nutshell so you don't have to read the whole thing:

I think at some level we all know that no matter what you're studying, the facts can be skewed to say what you want them to say.

An example I am pulling out of my ass:

60% of African Americans think that poop is a disgusting nasty word.

Now..

40% of White people believe that poop is a fantastic and wonderful word.

Same information presented two different ways right? So if you're talking to people who want to believe that poop is a disgusting nasty word which form of data would you present?

Here is what someone said about that:

In your "poop" example, those two statements do not mean the same thing. In fact, they are totally unrelated. The number of African-Americans who like a given word has no causal bearing on the number of white people who like the word. You may want to rewrite the example so that the post makes sense.

I'm not going to rewrite the post.

I think that even if you take out my (as I said pulled out of my ass) silly comparison percentages there the point that how you present information and to whom, can in fact give you the window to skew information.

And since there's so many new people reading.

Some notes about your hostess.

I don't delete comments. I don't always respond but I don't delete them.

You will generally not find scientific studies, census data, medical information etc because I am not a scientist and those things tend to bore me to tears on reading them. If you're really into that sort of thing there are plenty of other places on the Fatosphere and internet to find them. Just not here.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Ottermatic posted about working fitness back into her life and a forgotten combo incident at the Y. You'll see I said I had almost the same thing happen to me.

At the Y forgotten combo after being horribly dumped the night before by my girlfriend. I don't cry often and only once in a blue striped moon do I cry in public but I sat on my towel on the floor sobbing my poor eyes out.

I remember sitting there wet and miserable, and wanting a smoke really bad and it was the fact that my cigarettes were in there that tipped me over into sobbing and muttering, "oh my gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwd" over and over again. I think some of the other ladies thought I was having a psychotic break of some sort and it took quite awhile for the staff member who came to my rescue to work out that I had been dumped, couldn't remember my combo and really wanted a fucking cigarette.

I can look back and laugh a little about it now. I was mortified I'd had such a breakdown in public not to mention the girl who'd dumped me had been really not a good match for me anyway. Ahh the remembered joys of post teen angst and baby lesbian drama.

I was reading a post elsewhere on the Fatosphere and again, there were some comments alluding to the fact that that blogger isn't "that fat" so she her blog shouldn't be on the Fatosphere. And that irks the shit out of me.

I don't know this blogger personally, I don't think I've ever commented to her and I don't want to bring attention to what I distinctly feel is inappropriate behaviour.

Her entry is very heartfelt and she is talking about herself. She's not talking about you, or what she thinks of you. She's talking about how she feels in her own skin.

See this entry here, for further comment on that whole mind set.

I call both shenanigans AND bullshit.

Double shenanigans and bullshit.

When people say things like this especially in someones blog I have to wonder, if it bothers you that much why did you keep reading? Why not read a few lines, decided you don't want to know and move on?

To me that's like sitting on a tack and then looking around mystified as to why your ass hurts.

I don't get it.

In other news I decided I'm going to sell my fabulous but too big Torrid coat. It's pained me but there is no way I have the sewing skills to take it in and I think it's a shame to cut it up. Another hot fattie is going to have to rock it in my stead and my quest for the penultimate faux fur coat will continue.

I had the perfect one for a long time, mid calve, monster fur and I wore it until it fell apart. I might have to try and make one.

Filljonk posted this today and it has me fairly inspired. Not to shop for a bikini but to try a little harder to work out some of my body/clothing issues.

I find myself on occasion denying myself the pleasure of wearing something because of some usually fleeting anxiety about my hams or my stomach. The weird thing is usually the thought is gone as quick as it comes so I've never really taken a lot of time to analyze it and just move on.

What tends to baffle me is that these usually aren't thoughts that are there all the time. If they were I could deal with it and say, okay stop. So I'm deciding as of last night to let it the fuck go.

I am not going to bug myself trying to figure it out. I'm just going to stop, and when it sneaks up I will acknowledge the feeling and let it go.

My big reason for addressing this now is that I hate those kind of random moments where my rain is not quite caught up with itself. I'd really prefer not to even go there with myself but sometimes it happens.

In other news if I go make five of these new Burda pattern dresses it is totally TR's fault because she posted the link and they are really fucking cute. Oh wait, WAIT it's free? Hot motherfucking damn. So now if I make like fourteen of them I can blame TR.

I also (and now can't find the link) found some DIY instructions on Fatshionista over on the LJ and I have a vision of the skirt with this pair of vintage-esque boots I have.

While I'm thinking about sewing I have decided that I really need to make myself an A line leopard print Mini. Maybe the fuzzy leopard print. Even though Uniballer hates animal print and gives me a ration of shit when I find animal print stuff I like.

Wow I just got entirely sidetracked writing a post I hope will be up at Fatshionista tomorrow.

If it does go up I will talk about it tomorrow.

Right now I am going to make myself a coffee, and daydream about fancy cupcakes.

Homo Out.

Also why is it the last two little packages I bought postage for online and dropped at the PO have come back to me? One for Vesta and one for a nice lady in CA. WTF?

Fucking post office.

Stumble It!

Fat, fatty fat fat fat.

So yeah guess by the title what's goin on today?

I'm at work. Finally over the fucking migraine of suck.

However I am peeved because I forgot to have Uniballer take a picture of the fantastic hot ass summer outfit I wore on friday. I felt like the hot fucking sex in that. I will have to recreate it. What makes it even better is that it's a 98% thrifted outfit.

And the batteries in the camera are dead so fotos of anything will have to wait.

So first a word about the the term plus size model.

If you watch America's Next Top Model you'll know that plus size model Whitney won. There's a whole big thing about it but I don't care about all that. What I do want to discuss is the often and repeated freaking out in fat circles when a "plus size" model isn't necessarily fat.

Okay. This is plus size in the context of the fashion world. Not just the fashion world but the high fashion world. When you're average sample size is a 0-2 yes, people a size 8 is plus size.

It doesn't matter if the model is actually fat or not. No matter how much it might irk or piss you off, in that context yes a size 8 is going to be plus size.

Forgetting context bothers me.

Next let's talk about Torrid.

All over the fatosphere people are angry about Torrid being a part of a new MTV reality modeling thing. Some aspiring plus size models go to boot camp, lose weight and try to win a modeling contract. Read about it here, and here.

Okay this is probably not going to be a popular opinion. Which is why you'll note I've not commented in any of the discussions about this.

Torrid is not a Fat activist company. Torrid is not an organization devoted to Size Acceptance, Fat acceptance or any other acceptance except money acceptance. Yes, Torrid does make some hot ass clothes for fat girls. No, they are not here to make you feel better about yourself or guide you on your path to being happy as a fat girl. They Want. Your. Money.

Just like any other company, they want your dollars. And come on now folks, are we really all that surprised MTV has yet another exploitative show in mind?

Now to the whole boot camp weight loss thing.

To quote from a pretty (from what I've read) informative plus size modeling website:

Plus-size models have many of the same requirements "straight size" models do. They are usually tall (5'8" to 6'0"), have a beautiful face, great bone structure, clear skin, a gorgeous smile, and a well proportioned body. They often find work from their mid-teens all the way through middle age and work in markets all over the US and around the world.

And here's some more:

What are the requirements to be a Plus Size Model?

* Between 5'8" and 6'0" 5'9" is pretty much minimum for larger markets though Wilhelmina in NYC does represent a few girls who are 5'7" and 5'8".
* A size 10, 12, 14, 16 Sizes 8 and 18/20 are also used, but are not as common.
* Toned. You may be a "plus size," but you may have to be in shape if you model swimwear, lingerie or fitness gear.
* In style and in demand. You must have a look that is current yet not overly trendy. Plus-size models model a lot of "classic" wear. You don't want to have a buzz cut and a pierced nose if you get called for a Talbot's shoot. Keep your hair and make-up in fashion.
* Age. Teens through middle age.
* Proportionate. You should be in proportion. Your bust, waist and hips should be about ten inches apart in size (i.e. 42-32-42) or very close. In addition, the shorter you are, the smaller your size should be. Someone who is 5'8" would be expected to wear a smaller size (12/14) than a taller model. It is all about length and proportion.

Okay.

So if you are in fact a tall, proportionate (hourglass), toned in shape fattie you will probably not need bootcamp in order to book work. However if you are a tall, mostly proportionate kind of toned aspiring plus model, you might go all in for something like this.

The fact is that no matter how pissed off you get, the context of weightloss in this case can be merited and I believe should be discussed. I know I know, NO DIETING TALK FOR NO REASONS MAN!! But really.

We aren't discussing naked type modeling where, those requirements can be bent or ignored. We aren't talking about daily life or the daily lives of fatties everywhere.

Regardless of this being plus size or not, it's the fucking fashion industry which in case you've missed it somehow is not based in reality. Like, barely based in reality maybe if I'm feeling generous.

Going back to Torrid. If you check out the website, their models fit the standard of plus size modeling. Look at this lovely lady for a minute. Now have another look at plus model standards. Mmm yeah. I think you get my point here.

So I won't be boycotting Torrid. I won't be boycotting because frankly whether or not they endorse weightloss has nothing to do with nothing as far as I'm concerned. They have not as an entity come out with any Fat Positive, No Diet, No Weight Loss credo so no, I don't think there is anything wrong with what they are involved in. It's publicity, it brings people to the store who would probably shop there, they make some money the circle of commerce is complete.

In this context I think a boycott and outrage is not the most effective fight to pick. I will still buy from Torrid when the mood strikes.

Moving on.

Maybe I'm just getting old but sometimes I read posts that just don't move me at all and I kind of sit back and watch people flail and just have to wonder how the fuck do you seriously have all that energy?

I don't get really angry over things like someone using a word and then apologizing for it. Unless they have a history of douchebag behaviour I tend to chalk it up to, we're all human and have off days.

That totally probably means I am getting old yo.

And next thing.

I don't understand the upset over shapewear in this particular day and age.

I don't know about you but the only people to ever even suggest in a pushy kind of way that I use shapewear have been older and elderly women in my family for whom, the girdle was a way of life and not a political statement.

I get really very tired of the idea that (again, I know you've heard/seen it) that you can't really be body positive if you don't feel like your ass cheeks jiggling in that particular dress. Or if you would prefer that your back rolls be demoted to back cookies in that dress.

Seriously?

Everytime I see the arguments about fucking shapewear I just shake my head.

Not wanting your ass to jiggle, or wanting to be able to suck it in that extra millimeter to fit into that dress that's been in your closet for a millenia is not a moral issue. It's often not a political issue. It's an aesthetics issue.

It doesn't mean you hate fat people, you hate being fat or that you hate jiggly ass cheeks.

That's a whole other thing I get tired of in any body oriented movement. The idea that everything you wear or want to wear or way you want to look reveals some deeply hidden hate or discontent or other way to get your ass booted out of the club. That is so extraordinarily tiring to me.

As I've said in arguments with people about my hair (the fact that I choose not to wear it natural) it's not a fucking political statement. No really. Nor were any of the times I wore braids, have worn a corset, have worn some control tops, have worn DUNDUNDUN a REAL GIRDLE.

No really.

And for people like me who sometimes make wardrobe choices strictly on the basis of what makes their brains go, "OH HAYL YEAH" being questioned about it ad nauseum is probably not going to change my mind. It might make me not want to speak to you but I will probably wear whatever anyway.

Rehashing of this sort of thing really does not hold my interest for more than three seconds.

I totally started this yesterday and should post it now. I have nothing else to add really.

I will post a new make up picture later as well as probably something else.

Homo Out.

PS..
I will take my rantypants off first.

Stumble It!

Fat Musings.

Even though my feed doesn't appear to work with the Fatosphere feed anymore I still read it regularly and have been having some you guessed it musings.

First on the whole no diet talk issue. Granted everybodys blog is their own sandbox and you can make whatever rules you want. But this persistent idea that one must keep diet talk, weight loss talk etc out of fat acceptance entirely still chafes me.

As I understand it, the assumption is that you cannot love you body and still want to change it. I don't subscribe to that particular view point. I was going to link some things but I don't feel like it. Anyway, my thought is that I do believe that you can love and accept yourself entirely and want to change a few things.

The main problem I have with this dogmatic do not speak of this mentality is that it ignores a lot of what the people who are coming to FA, and what people who might be interested, and let's be honest a good segment of the population of FA. I know this is not a popular or "radical" (I'll get to that in a bit) idea however I do think it's not helping the cause.

Let's say you are very fat and you've come to a place where you dig your body, you feel good about yourself, you have shed the the majority of the bullshit heaped on you by peers and probably family. You are doing pretty fucking good. Maybe you're getting a little older, maybe your diet changes whatever you gain some weight. Let's say 20 pounds.

Okay you got your character? Good.

So now imagine you are this fat self loving person who has chronic osteoarthritis or you have a bad back, maybe an ankle you broke when you were 12 that hasn't been right since. Let's also pretend that you aren't quite brand new to FA circles but you're not really all in there. You don't really have anyone to talk to about this aside from maybe your doctor whom you're not ready to discuss this with yet.

You think maybe you can talk to your new FA homies about the fact that this last 20 pounds has just got you hurting.

So you start reading around the Fatosphere and all the big name (and let's not pretend there's not a hierarchy here people) and they all tell you, you can't talk about it there, or with them.

How do you feel?

Maybe it doesn't sour you on FA but maybe it makes you more hesitant to participate because all the prevailing dogma says you cannot want to lose weight at any time for any reason and no it's not to be discussed.

I don't know about the fat people you know, but a lot of the fat people I know are coming from lives where they have been thrown to the wolves as it were, and I would venture to guess that some of these souls are squirming in their seats because they want to comment and say, no wait but I would be too many are afraid.

What's there to be afraid of you ask?

You could get flamed, you could get ostracized, you could get that ever so wonderful "Let me educate you and cleanse you of your wicked ways" type condescension.

I don't think this is helpful. I think cutting off discussion because it doesn't suit your particular political flavor is just, not helpful.

Next thing I worry about is the constant rehashing without any sort of consensus or even understanding of a few issues. Namely, who's fat? What's "good" for fatties to do or not do. Sometimes it feels like FA gets bogged down in questions that really come down to things that a political movement cannot change.

Things like autonomy and the bogeyman of choice. FA like so many other body oriented movements I have been familiar with shit starts to happen. Someone decides that what someone else said was bad, there's butthurt, there's the person who may publicly or privately say something that doesn't toe the party line and all hell breaks loose.

It's not exclusive to FA nor is it a new thing but it is something I think about.

Moving onto that interview I linked the other day with author/blogger PastaQueen became such a fucking trainwreck.

I don't even want to link it because way too many people took off their sanity hats and put on their frothing at the mouth and being dicks hats.

Next topic: Being Inclusive.

The free dictionary says that inclusive means literally-

Adjective
1. including everything: capital inclusive of profit
2. including the limits specified: Monday to Friday inclusive
3. comprehensive

Any movement including FA tends to sometimes run around in circles trying to figure out the whole inclusive thing. Who gets to play? Who gets shown the door?

Often my issue with any movement is that unless you look like someone who should be there often you're shunted into the dubious position of advocate. In and of itself that's not bad but, I think it'd behoove any movement to say oh HAY you agree with us? Come kick it.

Not, well you're not (insert adjective here) but you can say you support us kthnks bai.

Call me a dirty hippy but I think the road to salvation is paved with inclusive cobblestones rather than cobblestones for us and gravel for you.

I believe this because no matter what your movement is, you have to share the world with a shitload of people who are way different than you. They are white, they are thin, they are from other countries they are from entirely different worlds than yours. No matter how "safe" your individual space might be, they are still out there and at some point unless you have some super secret to life, you are going to have to interact with them.

So instead of coming at the world like you're my enemy and fuck you, why not say hey check this out. This is what I am into right now, and I know this isn't your world but (insert interesting social discourse then hippy laden hugging here).

To quote Mo Pie's entry on BFD "10 Ways to be a Body Positive Advocate"

Understand that a lot of people are hateful morons, and they don’t reflect on you, and they shouldn’t affect you.

You should go read that whole entry.

But that bit is especially relevant here. And I will add that maybe the person who is the moron, on sight you might think YEAH we have this in common so this will rock. That is not so. Support and understanding can come from unexpected corners and frankly I think it's dumb to not see it or look for it because you haven't yet worked out your own prejudices.

At some point any movement needs to recognize that dividing on the basis of things that are in the big picture not that big a deal.

We're all going to have to pull up our big girl panties and put our hard hats on because the world is a crazy rough place and we can use all the armor we can get.

And if none of this made any fucking sense it's because I'm really tired and have a toothache.

Homo Out.

Tags: annoyed fat girl, fat, body, politics

Stumble It!

Noisy Fat Girl.

Before I start yammering I want to tell all my Seattle area homies to go see Miss Sarah K.L read next weekend. Get info here then go.

Also note to self get her banner up kthnks.

And as SharkFu posted today Mrs Loving passed away. That makes me really sad. And I can say that it really pisses me right the fuck off that I can't find the fucking news story on CNN. That reinforces my anger that the story of the Lovings wasn't something I was taught in school but had to find out for myself.

Okay now more stuff.

I finally saw Michael Moore's slightly histrionic film about insurance "Sicko". I tend to take Mr. Moore with a bit of a grain of salt. He's going for the jugular in his films, he wants to yank on those heartstrings and make you cry.

I did not cry.

Nor was I in the least bit shocked at anything in that film. There are many reasons for this so let's go through them.

1.) I was a sickly child in a poor but mostly making it home. Born premature, prone to ear infections, bronchitis, falls, ER visits. That means lots of expensive prescriptions, doctor visits etc. Thankfully nothing was ever life threatening and my parents had medical coverage.

2.) As an adult I spent quite a bit of time being very very poor and having no insurance and being sickly. Thus I had some medical bills that I still owe on ten years later and I went untreated a majority of the time.

3.) I know and have known people who were gravely and not so gravely ill with not enough medical coverage.

So bearing that in mind nothing I saw shocked me. It's nothing new in this country. There are few corners of American life where the prevailing sentiment no matter what the politicians say is, "Fuck you if you're poor nobody gives a shit."

I am all for universal medical coverage in spirit however, looking at how well our government does in other areas I am skeptical that our country could handle it at all from the end of those in charge.

Most of the people I know who are vehemently against universal health care come from affluent homes, have never been seriously ill and don't have children who are ill. I'll give you a for instance.

A friend of mine had a sister who was about 14 years his junior, when she was 8 she was diagnosed with cancer. Despite the medical coverage his parents had, they could not get her the help she desperately needed because the treatment her doctors recommended was "not available" and the cash amount for it was up over 300,000$. And if there was no clear payment she did not get treated. She got chemo, shitloads of drugs and died at age 10.

A different friend, nearly the same situation but his parents had that kind of money available. His sister is now almost 25 years old and healthy.

Am I shocked? No.

That is the reality of being an American Have or Have Not. The fact is that it doesn't really matter overmuch how much you weigh, how much you eat, how healthy of a lifestyle you live. It's about dollars. If you don't have the dollars you are pretty much fucked.

I have known many people who've lost their homes, livelihoods, have lost everything including their lives because of the mismanagement and greed of the health care industry at large. Does it piss me off? Hell yes.

Really at this point I would rather move to another country if I found out there was something seriously wrong with me than be treated here.

In a similarly histrionic vibe let's talk about SuperSize Me for a moment. Whenever something like that gets hyped so much I am generally quite slow to want to have anything to do with it.

Super Size Me was no exception. Frankly I thought the whole thing was stupid. If you work off of the assumption that all fat people are fat because they eat the way that man did all the time, you're probably the same kind of person who believes poor people are poor because they are lazy. If you believe in the demonization of the fast food industry as being the scapegoat for the health woes of this country, yeah. Really seriously man?

All that aside the reality is that yes, not eating a crapload of fast food and other processed foods is good for you. Orly? Woooooooooowwwwwwwww I had no idea. /sarcasm.

I was unimpressed and really kind of grossed out.

I am no huge fan of fast food. I know right? HOLY SHIT A FAT PERSON DOESN'T LIKE FAST FOOD OH GOD.

I don't. If I want a burger I want quality beef, cooked to order preferably with melted blue cheese and bacon on it. If I want french fries I prefer them to be made from a substance that was discernibly a potato once. I will say occasionally, I do like greasy crappy food but not a lot and I pay the price because my body doesn't like it.

Also people who do eat like that I would guess are the exception rather than the rule. Who the fuck can afford that?

Now via the Fatosphere from a post by Equality on the plains apparently there is a rebuttal for Super Size Me called FatHead . I watched the trailer and it looks decent.

However, I am leery that some will turn it into yet another "just an excuse for teh fatties" thing and I am not into it at all.

Honestly, I think that people are probably smart enough to be presented with facts and make up their minds without the theatrics and weird stunts. I consider the insane Fast Food menus to be weird stunts.

I think at some level we all know that no matter what you're studying, the facts can be skewed to say what you want them to say.

An example I am pulling out of my ass:

60% of African Americans think that poop is a disgusting nasty word.

Now..

40% of White people believe that poop is a fantastic and wonderful word.

Same information presented two different ways right? So if you're talking to people who want to believe that poop is a disgusting nasty word which form of data would you present?

And while I'm on a roll here I want to talk about privilege again.

If you don't believe that a certain privilege exists whether it's thin privilege, white privilege whatever. People watch for awhile.

An experiment.

I will assume here everyone knows someone who isn't the same ethnicity they are. Ask them if they have ever been uncomfortable in a situation the moment people laid eyes on them. Or if you don't want to do that sit down and really think about this, you don't have to tell anyone what you come up with but yourself.

Have you ever walked into say a convince store, all you really want is a candy bar, a bottle of milk and a magazine or something. The minute you walk in you can feel eyes on your neck, the second you pick up your candybar the person behind the counter moves to keep you in their line of sight. Let's say you go into this place all the time, have never stolen anything, have never been rude or weird.

Let's say you get all your stuff and get in line behind another person. The person in front of you pays with a twenty and goes on about their business. Your turn comes and the person behind the counter stares at your pockets, or your purse. Then when you hand over the twenty dollar bill, it gets examined, you get stared at again, maybe they call someone from the back to look at your bill.

How would you feel? How would it feel to know that the sole reason for this treatment is the way you look?

Think very very hard about it then tell me privilege doesn't exist.

The sad fact is there's not a lot you can do about it aside from acknowledge it and then, here comes the hard part, understand that someone who gets that treatment in places you don't, is having a wholly different experience than yours. Listen to people when they talk about it, don't assume that if your experience being thin/black/white/fat/trans etc is all sunshine and glitter, that it must be that way for everyone.

Now to look at it from the flipside, my minority homies you have a responsibility in this conversation too. The fact is that the person you're speaking to will probably absolutely not get it. That is just the truth. They might empathize, they might question, they might sympathize but the fact is that person is not going to completely understand and that's ok.

Don't expect that person to understand fully it's unfair. Also unfair is to carry your own prejudices and anger into situations that don't warrant it. Not all of "them" (whomever they may be) are the enemy so to speak. And if you treat everyone you encounter like an enemy, you'll probably get that reflected right back in your face. It's a vicious cycle of suck. So just don't do it.

Example?

Of course.

In the US there is the oft repeated stereotype that Asian people of whatever descent don't like and hate black people. I have heard it all over, listened just the other day to a black man at the bus stop ranting about the Asians in the neighborhood.

I have seen this particular man around quite a bit and he is almost always combative, hateful and speaks disrespectfully to people. He carries that, he wears his disrespect for everyone like a badge on his shirt that says fuck you.

So the other day he was ranting all about how rude the Asian (for the record they are Japanese) people who own a new little smoke shop in the neighborhood had been to him. He went on and on about how "they" are taking over "his" country and he can't get welfare because of "them" yadda yadda.

When he turned to me I shrugged and told him that they are always very nice to me, have gone out of their way to order a few things they didn't carry just because I asked. And not like huge orders, things specifically for me. How they always slip something free into my bag even when I buy just a pack of smokes or whatever.

Why?

The answer is actually quite simple and has worked for me pretty much where ever I go. I don't act like an asshole as soon as I step in the door. I don't give people fuck you looks for no reason. I don't walk around being a dick so in turn people tend to be pretty nice to me.

Even stores I'd heard were notorious for "hating black shoppers" I have often had no issues.

That isn't to say I've not been followed in stores, harassed etc. But it's the exception rather than the rule.

My point here is if you're giving the finger, someone is likely to give it right back to you.

It goes both ways.

Okay I'm done. Maybe tomorrow I'll talk about racism on the downlow and why I'd prefer it right in my face.

Now I'm going to eat my tasty noodly beefy soup.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

Oh noez the fatness.

Okay as promised today I am talking about fat and presentation in the media.

I want to start out with some tabloids and then move onto "legit" media.

Ready..break GO.

Now lots of tabloids are putting out their absurdly titled "DEADLY DIETS" etc type things and I had a good look at some of them. Lots of trends.

1.) Lots of photoshopping. Lots and lots of subtle changes to photos. Add a shadow here, a highlight there and you can make a normally thin woman look like she's about to drop dead. Alternately you can make someone with cellulite suddenly look like they've imported the surface of the moon onto their legs. Or for the trifecta onto their face.

2.) Not two "comparison" shots were at the same angle, in the same clothes or even taken in remotely similar situations. One of those deemed "scary skinny" the too skinny picture was taken with her in a bikini, clearly exhaling and stretching upwards. If you're a thin lady and you do that, chances are your ribs might show. Duh. Same to the "fat" pictures. Women had pictures of themselves at 25 compared to their picture at 60. Are you serious?

3.) One of my favorites, in every instance of yo-you dieting, weight gain or consistent fatness the "reasons" were all ever so cleverly worded and almost exactly the same person to person. All in the vein of, "too much fried food, indulging, oh noez she eated a doughnut" etc. There was nary a mention of possible health problems, aging, natural body weight, previous drug addicts, previous eating disorders. Just lots of "over indulgence." Also missing were the same kind of admonitions to the underweight. Organ damage, diseased, what have you. Also missing from the scary skinny blurbs were mention of the above, aging, health problems, drug problems, personal issues. All of those can adversely effect your body weight in one manifestation or another.

That was the tabloids.

Sadly "legit" news fares about the same. Sure if you go to CNN and click health then weight or obesity they use fancier words. They have good old Dr. Gupta telling you how fucked you are. However they are all working on the same base assumptions.

Fat=you are fucked and yer gonna die and possibly lose a foot to the diabetes.
Skinny= You are fabulous and yer gonna die and possibly lose a tit to cancer.

You see my point here.

Fact is regardless of your weight you could have some serious health problems. If you are a 105 pound person who eats nothing but Micky D's, beef jerky and Coke. Yeah your body might get pissed off. And don't tell me there aren't people like that. Bullshit I know them.

It's not a moral imperative to eat well and exercise and whatnot. If you don't want to don't.

Also if you're going to say that fatties eating in public should be shamed, or behave like they should be I suggest you irritate everyone sitting in Burger King because it's just as bad for the thin people as it is for the fat people.

I'd like to point out at this point that if you're human and residing on this planet you are pretty much fucked. You are going to die. No matter how many miles you run, how many times you don't eat that pie. No matter how many days you spend counting your calories. You and every other person on this planet is going to die someday.

And while I'm at it. I will bust some weight loss myths.

Astonishing amounts of weight loss will not make you less of a douchebag. If you were a fat asshole, chances are you'll be a skinny asshole. The reverse is also true. If you were a skinny asshole you will probably be a fat asshole if you get fat.

Another fun fact is that if you are trying to lose weight, and you go on an uber restrictive diet, you exercise until your balls are going to fall off. You could very well be doing yourself harm. Are you working your ass off literally and figuratively but you still don't feel good? You're run down maybe, maybe getting sick a lot. The big picture is telling you without scientific evidence that you are not doing yourself any good there.

If you seriously think weight is a stone cold pointer to how someone lives I suggest having a looksy at Kate Harding's BMI project. And for the love of fluffy bunnies everywhere use your brain.

Fat acceptance is not about how you may or may not want to live. Nor is it about forcing you to want to hump every fat person you see. It's about basic common decency. It's about everyone regardless of size being able to live their lives without being demonized.

Let me put it into another context.

Let's say that you are an acceptable size 8. But you have let's say some really big ole titties. I'm talking like a JJJ cup. And everytime you go to the doctor for say birth control or allergy medication all you hear about is how it's all because of the titties and you don't get decent care.

Would it be okay for you to just disappear into the woodwork and suffer because you are perfectly fine with your big ole titties and feel pretty good otherwise. What if something was really wrong? But it got to the point you were too angry or too afraid to go to the doctor? Let's say it's something terminal and by the time you get help it's too late.

Would it be okay then?

If you think that is a perfectly acceptable situation then move on. I have no use for you.

If thinking about it in those terms ridiculous as they might seem, makes you uncomfortable, angry or sad then let's talk.

My entire point here is that regardless of your weight we as human beings do not need to be menaced by media that sends mixed messages. We do not need to be demonized or scape goated. No one has a right or the privilege to decide what you do or don't do with your body.

Okay I'm done.

I have horrible horrible cramps and kind of want to jam a hand up in there and tear out my uterus.

Or maybe lay in a bed and jerk off for three days. It could go either way.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

Call me the VooDoo Woman.

In case you don't get it the title there is a reference to my favorite Koko Taylor (and personal anthem) song of ALL TIME. Naturally I can't find a good video or other place to play it for you folks. Actually wait at Amazon you can get a preview and I seriously SERIOUSLY suggest picking up the album Deluxe Edition.

Also before I digress too much further let me tell you, Koko Taylor is a Bad. MotherFucker.

See here:



I repeat. Bad. Mother.Fucker.

SO okay.

Back to what I was thinking when I started.

First of all I want to share that I've joined the ranks of those on Deviant Art. Find me here. I joined quite awhile ago so I could look at nudies but have since put up a few of my quasi artistic things there and found friends and some totally awesome stuff. Warning if you peruse my favorites and you are looked in you will see girl ass.

As I said in my quick scribble journal there I am determined to reconnect with the things I find sacred. In my body and my life. That means I am going to start dancing again, and making my fugly little collages and things because I think they are beautiful and they make me happy.

On the Fatosphere I ran across two fairly divergent ideas along the same theme of judgment of womens looks.

On one hand you have this view, where the thin model is castigated for her thinness and Old Navy is put in the OMG why did they do that camp.

And then on the other hand you have TR who says she is sick of women being judged solely on their appearance.

This sort of thing is something I think about and talk about with people I know a lot. I think that it is human to want to reject what we don't want. However, I don't think it behooves anyone to go into viewing another human being and decided that their body is unacceptable and that it's unacceptable for them to show their body, or be shown. I don't like that.

Looking at this conversation over at Racialicious puts a bug in my ear. On one hand yes, I don't like the way TMZ (just go click) captioned the photo of Serena Williams.

However I also don't like what the OP had to say.

Now, I am not a regular TMZ reader, but I know they tend to rip into celebrities for any misstep or fashion faux pas. And this photo of Serena definitely qualifies as a “Oh girl, handle that!” moment.

(Psst…Serena, a sarong would really help. As would beach shorts. You have to work with your ass, not against it.)

It makes me want to know why is it okay for you (the you in this case being Latoya who posted the article) to comment on what is and isn't appropriate about Serena's body and how she is presenting herself, but it's bad for other people to comment because their comments are couched in racist terms? Granted a lot of the comments at TMZ are in fact fucking awful and ugly.

However, I also find it awful and ugly that Serena gets another hit from someone who at first glance looks to be on the defensive about the photo.

Does that make sense?

In a nutshell I suppose what I'm getting at is that no, none of it is ok. It's not okay to make racist comments about another persons ass, it's not ok to pass judgment on another persons ass because they don't have it covered/revealed how you would. It's not ok in my view to create a conversation that begins with a DOWN WITH TEH SKINNIES kind of vibe.

Not. Ok.

I am pushing my own agenda here (but it's my fucking sandbox so I can) but I don't believe that beauty has to be all or nothing one way or the other. I personally find beauty in a hugely diverse spectrum of human beings. Even when said human beings are being fucking douchebags, the diversity of the species is pretty fucking cool.

Also found via TR is the Library of Congress Photo stream at Flickr it is pretty fucking cool. I skipped reading the comments on the photos of actual humans because, as I said, some human beings are douchebags and I'm not in the mood today. Read the afore-linked entry over at The Rotund for more of that conversation.

Back to beauty.

I probably have mentioned before at some point that I am a total Asharah fangirl and want to dance like her when I grow up. I have been reading her blog BellyDance Paladin and I loved this entry on rhythm.

Someone gave me a copy of her instructional DVD but I've yet to be able to do it. :( This year, end of summer man.



I have watched it and I really enjoy how she speaks about dance. I also really dig Amira who's Bellydance 101 I have and will resume in the next couple of weeks after I get a new boob holder. I have a big issue with how someone presents something and both have a very warm and not snotty way of presenting and that makes me squee.

I have been a lover of bellydance since I was about 7-9 and my favorite babysitter Donna was a belly dancer. She would sometimes let me help her get ready, or show me how to shimmy etc. It wasn't until a few years ago that I discovered oh HAI other people dig it too and HOLY CRAP I can LEARN! It's all very connected to how I feel about my body.

I feel like connecting with my body while doing something that makes me feel damn good and shiny, is a sacred thing. Shut up if you call me a hippy I will hose you with patchouli, but seriously I do feel this way. The happiest I've been in this flesh vehicle has been when I've been doing things that I really really love.

And dancing happens to top the list.

Where I stumble is the fact that I have a bad back and shitty joints and I get frustrated because the soul is wiling but the flesh says, "Slow your roll". And the two argue and I am cranky.

I am getting better though.

I do still love to dance and this is why I advocate some booty shaking for the self love.

There is something incredibly (and I hate HATE to use such fluffy language here) freeing and yes empowering about shaking it whenever you goddamn well feel like it.

To quote Missy Elliot and I say this to you solemnly my lovely readers,

"Shake that, shake that, jiggle that fat."

I will do as Missy so eloquently decrees whenever, where ever I feel the need.

I do a little dance in the grocery store when a good song comes on the Muzak. I do a little dance while sending faxes at work. I do a little dance when I'm making what smells to be an excellent cup of coffee.

I will do a victory booty dance whenever I feel victorious.

Sometimes I will full on geek out at home and go crazy. Self ass slapping, boob shaking, karate kicking, John Travolta worthy discoing, booty shaking, dutty whining (though I really am not good at that and don't like risking neck injury) until I am sweaty, out of breath, have probably managed to shake off a piece of clothing or get my panties if I'm wearing them stuck way up in the unknown and then I giggle and smile and sit down.

Now, no matter what shape your body may be in. You might be in a wheelchair, you might be on crutches, you might have a bad back shitty knees and vertigo. It's all good. You might have a bony skinny flat ass, you might have no boobs, you might have bingo wings and matter of fact you may even have yourself some jelly rolls.

It's. All. Good.

As the first Drag Queen who ever let me wear her tiara said, "work what you got."

Okay I'm spent. I'm going to nibble on a chocolate rice cake make some tea and examine my poor cold wet feets.

Homo Out.

Tags: self esteem, fat, body

Stumble It!

Well sorta but no dice.

If you've been reading me for awhile you'll know that I have a love/hate relationship with the clothing label Lip Service.

The love is that a lot of their styles of clothing for years now are things that I have loved and worn. However, in the last few years my ability to wear their clothing has come and gone, entirely dependent on just how much something will stretch. They used to have a plus size line in I think it was 2003 but, from what I remember it was all that sort of ubiquitous goth long dress with a usually faux brocade front bit, some ribbon lacing or a tie around the back.

In otherwords, long and square.

For awhile Torrid had a very hot line of Lip Service exclusive clothing that was actually better made than what Lip Service had done for Hot Topic for a long time. I also heard tale told that their Gangsta Pranksta line was available in plus sizes for awhile and I'm really bummed about having missed that because that was one of my favorite lines.

So the other day when I saw a note (by a lady who's not plus size which I thought was cool) in the Lippy Addicts Community on Lj. I actually ceased getting ready for work and got to clicking.

Have a look at the plus size line here. Um. Yeah. What wait really? You're serious?

Okay granted it's a start but, it's disappointing.

I personally don't think a merchant needs a whole other plus size line of clothing. It's like I explained to a thin coworker.

Let's say you are fabulous and you wear a size 0. You love oh let's say Levi's and wore them for a long time then all of a sudden they stopped making your size. You yearn for Levi's, you scour Ebay for anything in your size. Then one day you start hearing that they are going to get your size going again and you are like YES.

YES! YES! HELL TO THE MOTHERFUCKING YES!

You have your credit card at the ready, you check the website constantly and finally you see the link and YES YES YES.

Then they offer stretch pants.

The company famous for their jeans is offering you fucking stretch pants.

You're pissed right? What the fuck?

Okay now that's how I'm feeling right now.

Why make a whole new line? Most people who shop Lip Service that I know go to Lippy for their fabulous style. I would think it'd be far more profitable to add extended sizes to existing lines. Am I wrong here?

I r not pleased.

And I bet you those won't sell well and then dundun, they'll discontinue plus sizes because they "don't sell". Well I would assume if those don't sell it's not because there aren't plus size shoppers but, because what they are offering isn't what plus size shoppers want.

I could wank about this forever.

In other big booty clothing news I have started to learn to relove Tripp NYC clothing. Torrid carries a good amount of Tripp and the Tripp items I've purchased in the last year or so are all very nice. And if measurements are good enough I think I might be able to squeeze some ham into the Tripp stuff for Hot Topic as well and there's a ton of it on Ebay.

In other news I bid on a fabulous Torrid coat on ebay that I'm not linking because if I get outbid I will seriously cry. However there are a few back up things I have on my watch list that might make me feel better. Including an adorable pair of black with white stars T.U.K cowboy boots.

Okay and here's the link to my Torrid wishlist in case anybody wants to buy me ass covers. Or you want to compare mine with yours and we'll talk about it.

Also note to self order more fucking o rings before you lose a talon mmkay?

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

Ya think?

I stole this from elsewhere on the Fatosphere and yeah you think?


Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

Meanwhile it's 10 in the morning and I am awake doing laundry because at the super fantastic (did you get a shiver of sarcasm there) apartment building I live in this is usually the only time of day I can get to a fucking washer and/or dryer.

So it's way early and I am way cranky.

However I spent most of my weekend making myself feel pretty. I gave myself a facial, waxed my eyebrows, gave myself a (stinky, Ojon is not made of win) hair treatment and exfoliated the HELL out of my epidermis from the neck down. My ass feels like velvet.

As much as I am not a morning person it is nice to have Uniballer making breakfast and handing me coffee.

And now a video that in a few short Foamy seconds pretty much describes my trip to Size/Fat/Body/Booty Acceptance. If hearing the fbomb makes you feel bad don't watch it.



The part of Foamy the Squirrel was played by probably my raging Super Ego, the part of the at the start whiner about the ass of fat played by my wanting to fit in with my homies Id. Yeah I totally just hit you with some Freud right there.

I did something fairly out of character yesterday and bought a hot ass Lip Service for Torrid dress. It cost 36 goddamn dollars and I am going to wear the hell out of it. I will probably have to alter it but I don't care. It's so rare anymore to find Lip Service for Torrid items I snatched it up.

Cookie wasn't hot about it but, this once my immediate feeling of WANT IT NOW took over.

Another word about Fatshionista, I don't think I said so specifically but, I was considering leaving the community. I felt like the size debate was coming again and frankly, as someone who's yes at the small end of fat I am really tired of that. There was a long discussion about what should go into an Outfit of the Day post (where you show what you're wearing/going to wear) and some comments I saw woke questions I've had before.

If you are someone like me who's short and has a tendency to not "look" fat are you not supposed to participate? Anytime the issue has come up before it's made abundantly clear that there's no fat purity test but, isn't there? When gradually the sentiment of "well you're not as fat as me and it makes me sad/uncomfortable etc to see your pictures" creeps up why bother having rules that are inclusive?

Also the sentiment that some types of clothes are not "fatshion" enough. WTF? Seriously? Is a community supposedly full of diverse people deciding that no, what you're wearing is not fatshionable enough or whatever to be posted? In my earlier entry about Fatshionista I still do enjoy the community but, you can think and speak critically of something you love.

Essentially my big problem lately is that if you have a rule like this (directly quoted from the community info located here)

4. There is no purity test for membership. One does not have to be a certain size or of a certain political persuasion to post or comment here. Apolitical and nonactivist folks are welcome, so long as they are respectful of and comfortable with the fact that this community places a heavy value on many issues beyond the barest aesethetics of fashion. The aesthetics are important indeed, but they are not always the terminus of our conversations in [info]fatshionista. This is what makes us unique

Enforce it. Reinforce it. Make it known.

I was there for the original conversation here, and come ON man. Clearly it needs to keep happening.

All that being said I did decide that I will probably not participate in the OOTD's even though Uniballer said he would take pictures. Why? Because frankly I don't want to have the conversation I just linked to again. Also, I don't care to be snarked and I probably would because a.) I don't really accessorize b.) I wear all black almost all the time. Granted it would probably be funny to get snarked because there is nothing anyone could come up with that I probably haven't heard forty times before. But because, I would probably not get to see it.

What I mean by that last bit is that I am not a member of any of the specific fat snark communities on LJ because they aren't really all that interesting to me.

I will still comment when I dig things because I enjoy it. I might occasionally post sans photos. But yeah. I finally made up my goddamn mind about it.

I will take Outfit photos when I remember to make Uniballer do it.

I am also searching dear fatosphere for more online areas LJ is probably best where it's okay if you're a pervert, it's okay if you like posting and/or looking at boobs without wank. Meh. Actually I don't believe there is a wank free space on the internet.

Someone will always have fit about something so fuck it.

Now for some confessions.

Yes I am gothity goth goth goth but I will admit I don't really get the whole steampunk thing.

I am also not emotionally invested in the presidential race. That's not to say I'm not interested but I do not squee over pictures of Obama in where ever in shorts, nor do I go into fits of rage when I see Madam Clinton on the tee vee. I really don't.

I also find it grating when people expect either of those things from me.

I recently quit reading a bunch of feminist blogs because they infuriated me entirely and it wasn't worth the blood pressure rise.

I decided if I can't identify in any way and it's not interesting to me it's not worth my time.

I finally used the clippers and buzzed my winter fur from my legs. There was way less of it in the bottom of the tub when I was done than I thought there would be and I was really vastly disappointed. I really thought my legs were hairier than that after 4+months of no shaving.

I was equally sad when I trimmed my pubes and discovered my bald spot is bigger. WTF? The hair on my head is growing in all luxurious and whatnot (check a few entries back I DARE you to say my hair ain't luxurious when you know it is bitch) now why aren't my pubes? I am very sad about that.

Um.

I cut all my nails off yesterday and it kind of made me want to fuck a hot chick. Ok more than kind of.

Now my laundry is dry, I am going to go wash my face, put make up on and look hot while being a tired cranky little fucker.

Homo Out.

Tags: fat, fat fashion, random poop,

Stumble It!

Happy Friday.

So it's Friday and I'm having a most lovely day. I slept (sedated) like a log and Uniballer bought me replacement snacks for work.

I also did something unusual and got a very fancy pastry with my coffee.

Also it's my favorite day at Fatshionista, SALES DAY. There have been so many discussions about people who don't like sales days. It usually revolves around the fact that there are a lot of people in Fatshionista who don't thrift. That's fine. I'm glad.

However there are also a lot of us who can't afford brand new clothes and still want cute stuff.

Also there is always (everytime the issue of sales posts is brought up) more size talk. Who should and shouldn't be able to post clothes. What sizes should and shouldn't be posted.

It gets old but I don't care because. I. Love. Sales. Day at Fatshionista. I have bought some really fantastic things and I really do like being able to ask someone (it feels weird asking on Ebay because I've many times wound up asking some dude who thrifts and resells stuff he knows nothing about) about fit texture etc.

So whatever. But YAY.

Also yesterday I saw a lovely lady in Fats with a cute tattoo between her boobies. Aside from the fact that I was yes ogling her boobies because I love boobies it reminded me that I still would like a between the boobies tattoo.

I have two different chest area designs in mind. One for right down between the boobies and the other at the top of the cleavage. The between the boobs one will probably be a no go because my boobs are naturally close together and smush together right in that area and I think healing would not be cool. I also don't think I'd want to go more than a few days with no bra at all.

Although braless the boobies are naturally at a lovely point, they (I have Dcups these bitches don't sit) hang out together quite nicely.

See my icon here for an example of the boobs in braless action.



I'm leaning more toward the top of cleavage placement. I won't be able to afford the big tattoo to get my backpiece started so probably chesticles it is.

Okay I'm going to switch topics abruptly here for a minute and talk about something I just commented on at the Fatshionista website a moment ago. First feel free to read this entry about race and FA written by someone named Tara.

Overall she makes a lot of valid points. The only thing I seriously disagree with is this bit from the very end:

For the most part, your fat acceptance movement does not speak to us, and we're not coming until y'all work out some shit.

It is not possible to work anything out unless people are willing to have discussion about it. That is just how it works.

As TR said, here:

When a person of color, like Tara just did in her post at Fatshionista.com, goes through the trouble of telling me something I am doing - even, or perhaps especially, unthinkingly - does not make them feel welcome, my proper response is to find out what I can do to make them feel more welcome. The proper response is not to write the whole issue off as divisiveness and, while it might FEEL better, it isn’t to get defensive.

All right.

First of all in case you don't know I am a Black Woman. That is my perspective. I do not (and would never) try to tell you I'm speaking for all my sisters because I'm not, however I can (happily) tell you a few things I've heard from these ladies.

Racism, let's start there shall we?

In the vast majority of conversations about racism I've ever had in my life the issues generally boil down to very simple concepts.

1.) Thinking that your "race" is better than and superior to all others is not pride. Different does not equal superior. The plain fact is no matter how hard anyone tries, human beings are basically just the same. That means the guy from Upper Mongolia has all the same Organs as the guy from Iceland.

2.) Believing that "race" is the indicator of more than the color of someone's skin. No. If you move out of your own sphere of experience, if you put yourself into situations where the people around you are not all from your little microcosm of the universe, that belief will crumble like good bleu cheese.

3.) If you're this "race" that means- insert whatever twaddle here. Not so. See above.

You get my point here you my fabulous readers are smart fucking folks.

Often (in my experience) when it comes to activism of any sort that is not directly related to race, people don't want to put race into it. As color blind as anyone wants to be, the reality is that the color of your skin especially here in America is going to have a big impact on your experiences. Which in turn will impact how you feel and react within your circle of activists.

There is no way around that.

However as TR astutely pointed out, if this conversation is going to be productive getting defensive is not the way to go. I've experienced this in many ways.

I've been told that "well it's not that bad anymore", actually yes it is.

I've heard people presume to speak for me because they "understand the plight of people of color." No actually you probably don't.

If you would like to know how this can be productive let me give you an example okay?

Let's pretend you are an ethnicity other than black. Pick one this is happening in your own imagination. We are discussing how race fits in with oh let's say Fat Acceptance.

This would be great:

You: I just read Tara's post at Fatshionista and I don't agree that race is such an issue.

Me: Why?

You: Well...(insert argument/oppression comparison here)

Me: You know, it's not about comparing oppression and I really don't appreciate you equating not being able to buy pants at the mall to racism. It is not the same thing.

You: Oh, I didn't know that it makes you feel that way. I don't really understand.

OKAY stop there.

Non People of color. One of the best ways I have EVER experienced a dialogue is the very simple words, I don't understand. Say it to yourself, I don't understand.

I think many discussions about difficult issues would be far better if people would not be afraid to own up to the fact that no, they probably don't get it.

Don't keep telling me "but I'm TRYING to ask nice questions" don't whine, don't point fingers and say, "but they started it", or tell me you don't know how to have a productive conversation just don't. It is not my job as one of "them" to teach you how to have a civil and productive discussion with me. It is not my job as one of "them" to give you a free pass if you don't think you are being offensive.

Simply put I am not your guide to life as a Black Woman.

What is good? Good is acknowledging as I said above that no you don't get it. Acknowledge your own prejudices even if it makes you feel like you might get your educated liberal polite society card revoked. Understand that I am under no obligation to feel pity for you if you feel picked on by discussions of race. It is your job to dissect why you feel that way.

For me personally I believe that human beings can work these things out but, we all have to give up some stuff. We have to give up the Oppression Olympics. I know that can be difficult but we have to do it.

We have to give it up because what hurts me the most and causes the most strife in my life is probably way different than what hurts you and causes you the most strife in your life. That's fact. And there is nothing to be done about it.

We also have to give up the idea that just because maybe we're all for the same thing (FA, whatever other rights thing) does not mean that we have the same reasons or beliefs on how to achieve this thing. See the above reason.

We have to embrace and accept that our points of view, how we express them and our aims might not ever line up neatly. And that's ok. Matter of fact it's pretty fucking fantastic because if you approach the same goal from many different paths, lots of folks are going to get there. That's what I believe.

When it comes to when someone says something offensive, this is the kind of conversation I'd like to have about it:

You: Blablablabla...
Me: I think that's really offensive.
You: Really? How come?

And then be willing to listen to why.

Here's what I don't want to hear or see:

You: Blablalbalba
Me: I think that's really offensive.
You: (Any variant of the following) But I wasn't trying to be offensive so why are you offended? That's stupid I wasn't trying to be offensive. That doesn't count. I didn't mean you .

Yeah, after any of that I will decide that you are probably not worth my time or talking to.

On the other hand, I do believe that the only way people will know if they are being dicks is if someone tells them and tells them why without rancor, vitriol etc. I don't mind being that person sometimes because, I feel like if I really value hearing your point of view I'd like to interact if it's needed. I am not obligated to do it, but sometimes I like to.

Okay I'm over it now.

Goddamn it. I was going to buy this blazer but I have one almost exactly like it already. damn it.

I keep doing that lately. Apparently what I like is very well ingrained in the brains.

After all that seriousness feel free to comment even if you just want to tell me I have nice boobs.

Because, (and I'm going to reword a Katt Williams quote)

Don't say my boobs ain't luxurious when you know they are bitch.

That's all.

I'm going to cruise for deals, drink tea and maybe fondle my boobs a little.

Homo Out.

Tags: fat, annoyed fat girl, fat fashion, boobs

Stumble It!

Words and things.

There is a post over at Fatshionista that has me thinking quite a bit. The comment I started turned way too TL;DR so I'll post here.

Quite honestly I see the discussion at the base (again) as the long ongoing one that has been swimming in FA for years on many fronts, who is fat enough and if you're not that fat what is your place and do you have one. I am so tired of this argument.

First let me say that yes, it is a good thing to acknowledge privilege. However, I think that drilling it into people and then just sort of saying well there, you're privileged now you know is a little like pointing out someone has "a little something" but not offering what it is or what to do. As in picture this, you're talking to someone and they keep staring, brow raised. You don't know if it's what you're saying, if you have a booger, if you have spinach in your teeth, if someone is standing over your shoulder making faces or what. That's the feeling I get anyway.

At some point if you're going to take issue with who says what and how, especially in a community like Fatshionista where the posting is moderated (which for you non-LJ users means that before your post goes public there are people who read it over and decide whether or not to post it) shouldn't the issue be taken up with the people in charge? Or if you're going to take issue with what and how people are saying things, I think it's not entirely productive to say, "I have issues" and offer no alternatives or reasons beyond well cause I said so.

Also in case you're a member of Fats and you're reading this is not a let's complain about Fats thing it's not.

This sort of thing is why I'm still not willing to post outfits or pictures. Being that there are size parameters (something that I've commented on there before) for picture posting I do take issue with it. The rule (I believe) is you have to be at least a size 12.

Is that a Torrid size 12? A Womans size 12? A petite size 12? A designer size 12? A Juniors size 12? A trendy store size 12? A vintage size 12? You see where I'm going here.

Personally after reading all the comments on that entry I'm right back to the state I was in the other day (this entry). The actuality of my physical body doesn't conform to the rules (spoken and unspoken) at Fats, nor to any other rules. If I lost 15 pounds I would be on the big end of straight sizes, which would yes be nifty. If I gained 15 pounds I would be nice and snug in plus sizes and that would be nifty too.

I don't even want to start any Oppression Olympic type wank at all. I don't feel oppressed I am just not excited. I am not excited about the fact that a community I joined because I a.) love clothing b.) love seeing a diverse range of style (an issue I'll address shortly) c.) love discourse has become a place where I feel (though it's rarely if ever specifically stated) that I shouldn't fully participate because my presence is questionable because of my size and the fact that sometimes I can jam my ham into straight sized clothing really sucks.

What makes me uncomfortable (and very sad) is the constant idea that if you're not as fat, your presence and photo is somehow not good for other fat people is disheartening. I also find it disheartening that any fat womans presence there is questioned. If you are able to shop at certain stores should you not participate because it might bother someone else?

Should you not participate if you're not in the habit of checking for sizes beyond your own experience?

At the end of this I am thinking I will probably (again) slow down/possibly cease participating there. For several reasons. I don't want to (and yes I am fully aware these are my issues) spend my time trying to decide whether or not I'm alienating my fatter homies. I think about that because it's not my intention and really a lot of the time I just don't remember other than what I was trying to accomplish.

I do try to be inclusive on the chance I do post there. I try to be so here too but it does slip my mind sometimes. Although I do think that, that sort of thing is going to be an issue no matter what. From other specific type forums and communities I've been on when something does not pertain to someone, and does not pertain to them frequently people tend to feel hurt, excluded etc. It's human nature.

I've done it too. However I do think that complaining about it is again, not productive. If you want to feel included and welcome you have to pout yourself in that situation. Someplace like Fats that probably could mean anything from commenting on what you want to see more of, posting photos etc. As I've told myself repeatedly, if you want to be represented, represent yourself.

Easier said than done of course but it's a valid solution I think.

So my solution for my own sanity will probably consist of my own fotki stream (once I make myself remember daily that I own a goddamn camera) and keeping my fat related discussions here.

Okay I'm done.

Next topic if you are into some crotch tingling type stories, I highly advise subscribing to the Hips and Curves (lingerie store for plus sized folks) newsletter. I always enjoy the stories and I love seeing actual plus sized models in lingerie made for you guessed it, plus sized people. A really -really- long time ago I ordered some thigh high stockings from them that were on sale and they fit so well. My ham was not pinched or otherwise jammed into them like sausage casings. And bonus they had a seam up the back and cuban style heels. Fabulous.

What else?

OH I am seriously making a shout out to Meowser who has been made of absolute WIN this week. Pardon me while I wax poetic here for a minute.

I think from the way she writes that Meowser and I could be homies. Just saying I would totally buy her ice cream and pie.

Her entry on the mental health aspect of HAES is fabulous. While you're over there read the follow up too. Read it and love it.

Speaking of fabulous ladies Sarah Katherine Lewis posted a lovely interview yesterday.

Speaking of ladies I love Margaret Cho is coming in May and holy wow I cannot afford to go. I calculated crappy seats and it was well over 100$, that doesn't count transportation, most likely the need for a taxi afterwards and/or any sort of other enjoyment. I am a sad panda.

I was going to talk about some stuff related to yesterdays entry but I think I'll do that tomorrow. Right now I am going to go look at summer dresses so I can stop driving poor Uniballer to eye rolling with my obsession for cute summer dresses.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

Musings and glee.

I was reading over at FatFu last night and Meowser posted about Pseudonymity on the net.

Back in the day when I started my first online journal I was really paranoid about people in my life outside the net reading it or knowing about it for that matter. Honestly that lasted all of six months then I said fuck it, I got tired of thinking about it. These days if you google my given name, the name of this blog etc you'll find a whole shitload of stuff and that's perfectly ok with me.

I haven't used a pseudonym in probably more than a decade for anything. The very first piece of writing I had published was under a pseudonym and it felt so weird to me. I own my words. It felt weird and disingenuous to look at something I quite honestly slaved over and it did not have my name on it.

Since then if I say it, 98% of the time my name is on/associated with it. And that suits me just fine.

However I will say I have a space somewhere on the internet where I talk about things I am not comfortable talking about here or other places where people know me. For awhile I struggled with this, however my number one concern is making sure that I feel okay while I'm working some shit out. I have a few friends who read that, and one in particular with whom I talk about it.

Strangely I'm one of those people who talk a lot of the time just makes me feel worse. I like to write it down and work it out for myself. Which sometimes admittedly doesn't work all that well.

On a fashion note I had a gander at some of the new Lip Service stuff for 08 and I am again disappointed. Nothing I liked comes in my size. Admittedly I am really seriously considering losing a dress size.

Honestly it's not just Lip Service clothes that put this into my head, and it's not the whole Fantasy of Being Thin as discussed quite awhile back at Shapely Prose. I have long given up the dreams about thinness.

1. Thin is healthy and good. When I was thin, I was not health and I was a cranky hungry unhealthy mother fucker. And the thing that made me feel cheated was that I was doing the "healthy" thing. I was working out and eating an uber healthy diet. And I felt like shit.
2. Thin is beautiful. Again I felt cheated. Frankly once I go below at the most a size 10 I just look weird. My proportions are not made for that. Also, because my health was not great my skin looked fucking horrible, my hair looked bad, I had a hell of a time finding clothing that fit. I did not feel beautiful in any way shape or form.
3. Thin makes it all easier. That was a huge thing for me. My life did not get magically easier when I hit the lower end of the "healthy BMI" range. I still had all the same problems, I had some brand new and shittier problems.

That all said the following is not about the myth. And I know damn well this sort of thing isn't looked upon favorably in the FA circles but I don't give a fuck.

As I've mentioned before I am fairly firmly in the area called Inbetween. There are a lot (A LOT) of plus sized clothing that just is too big for me. Frequently things are just enough too big in odd places so the fit gets fucked all to hell. It fits in the hips but is too big in the waist, it fits in the shoulders but not in the boobs, it's supposed to graze knee length and comes down to mid calf. And don't get me started on pants right now I will yell.

On the flip side I am just ( ) that much off (measurements wise) for a lot of straight sized clothing. Things are too small in the boobs, fit at the hips but not in the low waist thus giving me hang over of doom in the love handle area, fits in the waist/hips but not in the ham. Shirts fit in the boobs but not around the upper arm hence my aversion to cap sleeves, fits in the boobs but rides up to show my whole stomach when that is not the idea.

I spend way more time than is probably necessary searching and searching and searching for clothes that fit right. And what irritates me is that out of necessity I've had to stick to the same silhouettes for so long because I have such a hard time finding things that fit and my sewing skills are not quite up to actual tailoring just yet and gods know I don't have the money to have it done by a pro.

So where does that leave me?

Honestly (and boo hiss if you wanna) it leaves me with the bottom line that on my frame and body a small big of weightloss or gain would go a long way. A few pounds in either direction means pretty much I could be solidly plus sized, or solidly far end of straight sizing. I've been resisting it and not wanting to think about it for months but it is actually the truth.

Does this mean suddenly I am super pro diet and whatnot? No. What it means is that I finally (after 31 goddamn long years) in tune enough with my body and familiar enough with my body to be able to make a conscious well thought out decision as to what to do. That is a huge thing for me. For the first time in my life I feel like I have serious and tangible autonomy in terms of my body and what I'm doing with it.

I played at and tickled autonomy for years, especially in terms of decoration. Body mods, tattoos, wacky clothing and hair but, I wasn't here. Here being the state of mind I'm in right now.

I am clear. I am aware and my thought processes aren't muddied by politics, should and should not thoughts, other people none of it.

That alone makes me very happy.

Where does this lead.

I am not going to get or be thin. Barring serious medical illness it's just not going to happen and that makes me happy and it's okay.

I also absolutely do not believe that me going down a dress size will create some alternate reality where I am rich, fabulous and everything is super peachy.

What does it all mean?

It means that I am currently this instant open to a change in my body. It means that for the first time in a long time my eyes aren't clouded and I think,no I believe I can make a decision one way or the other.

It doesn't mean that I am going to run out and half kill myself trying to lose that 10 pounds. To tell the truth I don't even know if my body would approve of that.

It does mean that I am enjoying the feeling that emotionally, I could probably handle adding a fairly rigorous exercise routine to my life and it doesn't feel bad to think about it. I don't feel like I might do that and go off my fucking nut and start working out for hours on end. That feeling that fear isn't there.

It doesn't mean that I don't want to be fat or I hate fat or anything of the kind. Although I'm sure someone will get that from it.

Tell you the truth I don't care. I am actually very proud of myself for coming to this right now.

And I think I'm spent there is something wrong with my neck and it hurts like the proverbial mother fucker.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

Astonishing.

I found a link via BigLiberty on the Fatosphere feed and wow.

Fat Hate.

I read through a lot of them and have a few reflections.

First of all I saw a lot of irrational and frankly absurd. After looking around at a bit of the rest of that website I get it. You go, you rant anonymously I would think you feel better about whatever it was pissing you off in the first place. What's missing there is the mirror. What's that saying about hating in others what we loathe in ourselves?

Being that I am not extremely fat, nor am I even very fat as far as fatness goes I have experienced people being more direct with me about weight. Some of what I've heard:

Me: I think I've gained a few pounds. (Mostly an observation going on the fit of what I was wearing)

Other Person: Well if you'd just....*insert lengthy sermon about eating "power foods", "the color diet", "Slimfast", yadda yadda.*

Me: Um thanks for the info but I'm not actually trying to lose weight.

Other Person: But, you've gained weight and you're fat now. Almost- (this part was fantastic) really fat.

For the record at the time I was wearing a pair of size 5 pants that felt kind of snug in the "I am BLOAAAAAAAAAAAAATED" kind of way. No, I'm serious.

More recently I have gotten a lot of "tips" from people. Some I wasn't offended, they were just trying to be nice. Others not so much.

Frankly at this point I can't say I give two shits.

So fuck em.

In other news. I've seen a lot about Intuitive Eating on the Fatosphere lately. TR did a very nice primer post about it.

Personally I have been familiar with the concept for years but not in the it has an official name kind of way. And really unfortunately like so many other health related pains I am a little conflicted.

To me (and yes I am biased) Intuitive Eating is something that sounds amazingly fabulous if you are not poor. Or really poor. If you are poor, or really poor it really really REALLY fucking sucks.

Why would it suck? Easy.

Say you are trying very hard to use your Intuitive Eating know how and you have, chicken, creamy chicken and beef ramen, a tablespoon of PB, some crusty mayo, some maybe still okay to eat if you close your eyes and pretend bread, some unidentifiable packages in the freezer that may or may not be actual food and for fun you've got some of those condiment packets because when you're poor enough (I KNOW some of you have been here and crammed as many of those as you could into pockets and purses) and what you really really want is an apple, some nice sharp chedder that doesn't come in a can or something. So you are listening to your body, fantastic. However you have 20$ to your name, payday is 6 days away and you need the following.

Tampons
Bum wipe
Bus Fare

Not much right? Actually no. Let's say bus fare adds up to 2.50 a day and you are working the next five days. That is 12.50$. Still with me?

Generic dollar store tampons (You get two boxes of Super because face it, a lot of the time dollar store tampons don't get the job done right and you're bleeding already) 2$.

Up to 14.50$.

And bum wipe. Being that you're bleeding you're probably going to use a little more TP than usual so you get four rolls at a quarter each so that's another dollar.

15.50$

I don't know about you but I would not use my remaining 4.50$ for apples, cheese or anything. Because shit happens doesn't it? Especially when it's that close to payday and you're already kind of broke.

What's the point here? Fact is I've been there. In that almost exact situation but what I wanted at the time was some good crusty bread. No really. However good crusty bread and realizing that want, and fulfilling it just can't always happen.

I'm not that poor anymore but it's close enough that I remember. And you know what? It really fucking sucks. It also really sucks when you get sucked into (whether you mean to or not) the whole idea that your food choices are somehow moral choices as well.

Granted most of us realize rationally that no, eating junk food or cheap processed food does not make you a bad person. However it can be really difficult to feel that emotionally. Especially when you're constantly bombarded with messages to the contrary.

It hurts. Quite simply it fucking blows.

I recall being poor enough that I was not able to afford even tinned veg and fruit, so on the suggestion of others I started trying to volunteer at co-ops. That was such a big waste of my time. Not only was I rarely if ever contacted back despite my best efforts, when I was contacted I made it clear I wanted to volunteer out of sheer need. I wanted to volunteer so I could have some tasty organic greens, or some pears or fuck sake some fucking grapes on occasion. I got quite the run around.

Eventually I gave up and when I found tinned fruit at the dollar store I'd buy one close my eyes and pretend.

It's sad no?

My other problem with Intuitive Eating right now is that my body plays dirty tricks. Very horrible dirty tricks. My body screams and wails for milk. MILK MILK MILK GIMME MILK OFMG I'M GONNA DIE IF I DON'T GET MILK GET ME MILK I WANT MILK MILK MILK...

By that point I am usually close to tears because I really do want a glass of milk. A pint of cold delicious milk. So I try soy milk. Body says: FAIL DIS IS NOT MILK!

I pout. I groan. Occasionally I give in and have the coveted tasty cold pint o moo.

Then, the The Apocalypse of Gastric Distress happens and I suffer for days.

There are other foods that I crave down to my bones but can't have. And then I get sad. I won't say I can help that because I don't know if I can. But yeah it's a tough thing for me.

In other food related news I have discovered or rather rediscovered a love of odd snacks from Asia. There are lots of small Asian markets around our house and I've been exploring.

Photos possibly at a later date and now I'm spent.

Homo Out.

PS...
How is it that my life has some sort of insanity start quarterly? WTF is that all the fuck about? Srsly. Want not so much rly.

PSS..
I probably won't be any less vague than that.

PPS..
Actually several good things did happen today (I totally started this yesterday) A man drove across a street to tell me he thinks my outfit is beautiful and when I smiled he said I got the smile to match. He was cute and charming then he drove down the alley.

Also (I will probably post this later) I've started doing Spring wants collages on Polyvore. You may or may not be shocked and there may or may not be skinny jeans involved. Be afraid..be very very afraid.

Homo Really out.