Can't brain today.

Not a lot of seriousness today. It's beautiful out and I am too annoyed with things not pertaining to anything aside from the number of absolute morons in the world to be able to do anything but sputter and foam round the mouth.

So I want to talk about stuff that makes me happy instead.

This is what I do in order to keep myself from going all SHANNON SMASH on people.

So some product reviews.

I've been using a Shick Intuition razor for awhile. They had them on sale with a full size Dove antiperspirant so I had Uniballer grab me one. We all know by now that I am no big fan of shaving. It's not a political thing I just can't be arsed to do it all that often. Also my skin is highly sensitive and will let me know in a violent red rashy way if it doesn't like something. If you haven't seen these it's a three bladed razor with a "moisturizing solid" around it.

I've had some trouble with razors in my armpits before because the way my chub is arranged in there I have a large dip when I raise my arms and the hair grows in several directions so if I shave the pits I almost always get razor burn like hell so for the last few years I've just used the clippers. The Intuition not only gave the pits a close shave but way fewer bumps and none of them hurt. Shocking. Also after a couple weeks of shaving twice during that time, no ingrowns.

On my legs was the real test though. Shaving is not among my many talents and I hardly ever get a smooth shave or manage to get all the areas. Using this razor is nice because the handle fits well in my hand and I feel like I have more control. It gives a lovely shave. My only gripe is it's fairly heavily scented which I don't care for but it's not too lingering.

So I may or may not spend the extra $$ to get the replacement heads those are kind of pricey but given that I use them lightly shouldn't be too bad.

Two thumbs up.

Okay I mentioned briefly before that I made another to Aromaleigh and I'm trying out my stuff one thing at a time. I picked up the "Indelible" Eyeliner Seal to hopefully replace my Avon Transforming custom liquid eyeliner stuff. OH. MY GOD I am so in love I proposed to it on Twitter.

Okay so I decided to do a really simple look. After getting my foundation on I used L'Oreal HIP Paint in Secretive all over my eyelid. Then used a Mac Teal pigment and my eyeliner brush. I used way too much eyeliner seal at first but I got the consistency right and it was perfect. Even better than the Avon stuff in my opinion. Not only do you get way more product but the Avon dried really slowly to me and that was annoying. I did a simple teal winged liner, used some random black pencil on my waterline and did some huge lashes and it's awesome.

So I am marrying Indelible Eyeliner Seal and we are going to live a long happy life together. I love bright liner and I hate buying liquid liners because the colors never pop like using a wet pigment so that is made of awesome and win.

I'll have to take pics when I get home because I forgot my camera and was scrambling to get out of the house on time because I straight up almost forgot to comb my hair.

How the fuck does that actually happen that you forget to comb your hair?

Next thing about my sex column. For some reason I keep entirely fucking up the code. Like horribly so and then to top that off I fucked up the program I use to generate the fucking code. Holy good lord sometimes I don't know what is wrong with my brain. In the meantime while I get my shit together. No wait back up for a minute.

I'm trying to make a nice official looking static page where I will have my few rules, the form to submit your question and probably some kind of other little goody like a photo of my boobs or something. However my coding skills lately have been made of fail and stuff. No serious fail.

Next thing I want to talk more about tattoos on fat bodies, in particular my fat body.

For years now I've heard many reason why people don't like tattoos so much, one of the ones that never ceases to make me giggle a little is the "what about when you get old?"

I personally am going to be one tattooed up little old lady. Like everything else on my body my tattoos are going to sag and fade and warp. Even if I didn't have tattoos when I am sagging and wrinkly, I'm still going to be saggy and wrinkly.

So when I am old and feel like getting gussied up to sexually harass people (because come on, you know its going to happen, I know it's going to happen) I will pull my tits up out of my socks and spend a little time admiring ink that I hope will bring back memories of why it's there and what I was feeling. Granted my tendency to not care what other people think of my appearance now I can't foresee me suddenly feeling self conscious when I'm 80. As I get older I care less.

When it comes to body mods my attitude is pretty simple. Yes my body is a temple, it is however a very temporary one in the grand scheme of things and I don't know about you folks but I like my temples adorned to the point of gaudy. Yes I do.

I also want to mark the fact that I am still alive, and went through this painful thing to wind up with something that makes me happy when I see it.

Barring any physical insanity I will be a round, tattooed, prone to outbursts of the Fbomb, wig wearing, tiara demanding little old lady. And I am looking forward to that.

In other fat news I've had some people say some really really fucking dumb things about fat to me lately.

I was on the bus talking to another fat lady and we were talking about some clothig item. Then she got off of the bus and this woman about my age gave me one of those pitying looks this is how our convo went.

Her: You know those last few pounds are so hard to lose. Once you lose a few more pounds you'll be a knockout.

Me: *Blink*I'm not losing weight. I'm pretty good how I am right now.

Her: Well if you lost about twenty pounds you'd get a man for sure.

Me: I don't really need another one.

Her: *Blink*Well you're not wearing a wedding ring and you've got such a pretty face. You'd be much prettier if you didn't have that thing *motioning to my labret.*

Me: *Big sigh, deep breath, don't yell don't yell don't yell* I like myself just the way I am. I think people who sublimate their own desires like that.

Her: *Huff, puff and she mysteriously found someone else to talk to.*

I will say I am very proud I didn't just tell her to fuck right off. I've been working on that.

However I really get tired of my assumed straightness. Even when I was going through my (very cute) young chubby baby butch phase even when I was blatantly hitting on girls everyone thought I was straight.

I finally have stopped wishing for world peace and just want people to stop assuming that they can know a goddamn thing about me just by looking at me.

While we're on the subject of assumptions let's talk about a few assumptions about fat people that do not pertain to me.

If you're fat, you must have diabetes, hypertension, be lazy, never workout cause yanno that's the ONLY reason people get fat.

Hypertension and diabetes runs on both sides of my family. I have a lot of relatives who were diagnosed with one or the other right around the age I am now. At my last full bore check up my BP was a tad high which the doctor wrote off as part of the panic attack I had. My blood sugar and likelihood of diabetes was about nil.

In fact she was so impressed I got a sticker.

The only real complaint that my doc had is due to the fact that I still smoke even though I have cut way WAY down on that. My cholesterol levels are good, very good for someone my age. Yadda yadda.

I could work out more but as my doctor and I both agree'd the benefits don't really outweigh the problems with my back knees neck and ankles.

All problems before I was ever all that fat.

So don't pull that bullshit out anywhere near me. You cannot know anything about my health from the current size of my ass.

Now for some links.

I am going to say I have a little bit of a girly crush on SugarButch. (Yes that's a queer link right there, not entirely work safe depending on where you work). The article on packing is excellent and the name, come on man. Sugar Butch. Say it outloud.

And LesbiaTopia. Again the name caught my eye but the journal is very interesting. Also the Pinup of the day here. Gave me a tingle in my special area.

Also awesome entry at FataleMedia today. Check it. Also holy shit I can't believe Bend Over Boyfriend is in it's 10th anniversary. I've had copies of it in one form or another since it came out. While I'm talking about porno I like. Hard Love and How to Fuck in High Heels is some HAWT motherfucking butch on femme action. A classic and totally awesome thing.

It's no secret that I have a serious serious weakness for butches. Young popped collar butches, older brush cut butches (strategic silver at the temples and a wicked smile will get me out of my pants in .02 seconds), and flavors of butches all in between. Frankly, a butch dyke is far more likely to send me into giggling, squirming waiting to get spanked space than anyone else. Dunno why it just is.

Add liquor into the mix and there could very well be lap sitting, snorgling and making out. Fair warning.

I was talking to a gay man I like a lot and he made me LOL hard. He said I go from cute femme to growly cub in seconds and it confuses him. I responded by asking him not to wake my inner Leather Daddy because I didn't have a cigar nor did I have on the right boots.

He laughed.

But that does kind of sum up rather neatly how my uh...(why am I drawing a blank here) mother fucker. I sat here for ten minutes trying to dredge the right phrase out of my brain and it's not happening. Fuck.

Too dumb for queer and gender theory today.

I couldn't even read my copy of the Decameron on the commute to work today. It doesn't help that it's a 1973 translation and the print is motherfucking tiny.

I am so done.

So work on the sex thing is kind of progressing about as quick as turtles fuck but I'm working on it. Picture reviews of Aromaleigh stuff is forthcoming.

Homo Out.

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Kinda Sprung now.

OK I just found the blog of the author of Boy Culture (a really fantastic film I just recently watched) and I think I love him.

OK...I want Matthew Rettenmund to be my new gay boyfriend. Right now.

If you are averse to very gay men and some photos of hot mostly nekkid men skip that link.

I want the book. But not the movie tie in version this one.

I miss having a gay boyfriend like you people don't even know.

Who else but a gay man can I say, "You look homolicious now let's go" or yell, "NO PRINCESS BITCH we are NOT PLAYING WITH DRUNK TWINKS"

Come on now.

Of course I can say these things to One Hung Low but it's just not the same.

And who else can I possibly use to maybe pick up on mostly gay boys too? Or smooch on them? Who else would take me into the leather club then leave me to play with random Leather Boys and their Daddy?

Le sigh.

I'm going to pout now.

Which reminds me I have to tell you folks about the GAYEST thing ever.

So I took my then Gay Boyfriend whom we'll call PrincessHotness to the Lusty Lady. I took him because a.)it was on the way to the club we were going to and b.) he'd never really seen pussy up close. So adventure time.

So we go and get like 40$ worth of quarters and went into a booth but were told we had to have our own booths. So he gave me quarters and went next door. The girl that was dancing for him was this adorable little blond with the cutest ever little boobies wearing nothing but red cowboy boots and a matching hat. The girl that was dancing for me hot too. Red haired with very long legs and equally cute boobies. So I'm giggling and flirting with my dancer when I hear PrincessHotness scream (he seriously screamed it was SO gay)

"OH MY GOD HER PUSSY IS IN THE WINDOW"

My dancer and his dancer at that point realize we're not a couple that he's gay and start laughing. I start laughing. PrincessHotness runs into my booth, dumps all his quarters in my lap and proclaims that he has to go look at cock right now. They have video booths too.

So I spent all my money then went to retrieve my homo and the girl who'd been dancing for me via lots of sign language indicated to wait outside for her so she could came outside to have a smoke with us. I wound up going on a few dates with her. It was SUPER gay.

That was So. Gay.

This is the same man whom I used to pick out his porn because I have exquisite taste in the gay porn. Not ONE of the DVD's I picked out for him was a bad one. I also got him his first toy. Which he put a hurting on.

Just so you all get it I am less faghag than I am honorary fag. Or actual fag depending on who you are speaking to.

And now I'm spent because I'm about to participate in a study for the Kinsey Institute.


Homo Out.

Tags: gay, queerness, gay boyfriend, fag hagging

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Ranty beasty

So I've been reading the news which isn't something I spend free time doing generally. A few articles and my take .

The headline from CNN Study: Sex of any kind can harm teens emotionally: So someone has finally figured out that if you talk to your teenagers openly and honestly about sex it might make them feel okay doing it.

For FUCK sake. Are we seriously only just now figuring that out?

I find this quote to be heartening though:

"In contrast, boys' sexuality and sexual behavior is generally accepted," Brady and Halpern-Felsher pointed out. "Parents can play an important role in helping to eliminate this double standard by encouraging respect for women and discouraging the use of derogatory sexual terms."

But come ON it's 2007.

Okay let's be honest here folks. Between us grown ups we know goddamn well (you too parents) that folks young and old like doing things with their parts. They like having them touched, they like touching them. And we all know by now that abstinence only sex education really doesn't work.

What works is giving teenagers the respect they deserve. What works is treating them like sentient human fucking beings and not smaller versions of their parents. What works is giving them the opportunity to learn about and figure out their own personal sexuality without tainting it.

That means STOP fucking molesting kids.
That means STOP fucking with their heads about sexual issues.
That means STOP skirting the issue.

That means tell kids the truth. This is a penis, this is a vagina, this is an anus. You get my drift.

And don't wait until your son is beating off six times a day and feeling guilty about it or your daughter is in the bathroom crying trying to figure out what to do with a tampon. When your child asks where do babies come from that child will let you now when he or she has heard enough. Believe me. Kids are very aware of their own limits if only people would stop fucking with them.

Teach your children to know and understand their bodies before they go crazy with hormones and whatnot.

If you are unable to provide the basic human necessity of education. Take them somewhere or to someone who can. Yes, that means you might have to buck up and go to a clinic. I really don't suggest taking a teenager to your aged family physician who can hardly say vagina much less discuss what to do with one.

I'm not saying hand your kids the Kama Sutra and let them wild.

I'm saying give your children the POWER to make an informed conscious decision. THe best defense against the evils of the world is not dogma and fear. It is power and knowledge.

Imagine this if you will.

Your gay 15 year old son is on a date. His date gets grabby and wants to go barebacking in the park. Your son because of the knowledge and support you've given him looks at his hot piece of ass and says, it's not safe to do it unprotected. If you don't have a condom let's jerk off.

How fucking AWESOME would that be? Your kid, balls out protecting his health and enjoying himself? Don't like that one try this one.

Your 17 year old bisexual vegan daughter is on a date with a heterosexual 19 year old boy. Maybe you're not all into it but, because you know you've taught your daughter well and she is a capable smart young woman you're not worried. Boyfriend gets grabby, starts to tell her all about how he's going to die of blueballs calls her a tease. Your hot ass daughter says: I don't want to have unprotected sex or give you oral sex unprotected. Let's get each other off and go get tested. Or you can fuck off.

YEAH YEAH YEAH. That's YOUR babygirl. Would that not just be amazing?

One more situation for you.

You have a 15/16 year old boy/girl who is not sure if he/she likes girls/boys/anything. Your child feels wierd and out of place because he/she isn't out humping everything that moves like his/her friends might be percieved as doing. THen instead of feeling weird your son/daughter decides to stay a virgin until he/she figures out what is best for her/him.

YEAH.

What I'm saying here people is if nothing else, you tell your children the truth. DOn't put it in a religious context which I know is hard. You can add your beliefs but as we all know just because Mom and Dad believe it little junior might not. Think of it not as promoting wanton sluttery but giving your child armor. And making DAMN sure your baby knows how to work his or her brain.

Okay now. For those who don't have these fabulous dream parents I have links. Hell I have links for you grown ups who aren't quite ready for janesguide yet.

Scarletteen pants down one of the best and most informative sites out there.

OutProud. I love what they say right at the beginning, for queer and questioning youth.

YouthResource another amazing resource. For sexuality, help, health advocacy. Good stuff right here.

Some of you may be wondering why there are such things. The reason is tht a lot of adults just plain suck. And when you're young and scared, you need a place to go. If your parents can't get the job done right there are other people who can.

Okay enough of my ranting for now.

Homo Out.

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