Tru fax from hysterialand.

I'm taking a little Nanowrimo break because I have some shit on my mind. I was going to do a tights review but I'm not in the mood.

I'm having some Inbetweenie angst right now courtesy of a very slight bit of weight gain.

I don't know how much because I don't weigh myself I keep tabs on what my body is doing fat wise by how my clothes fit. And right now I'm having pants problems.

I gained a little bit of weight and the two pairs of pants I have that fit well don't fit so well right now. But it's not enough weight that I can easily go a size up.

So I am freaking out because despite my earlier declaration of a wardrobe without pants, I'm too much of a big fucking wimp to brave the uber windy rainy Seattle fall weather without said pants.

I also don't have a lot of money as most of you know. Matter of fact right now I have no extra money that is not designated for bills or food.

So my weight fluctating really tends to freak me out. I'm talking weight changes in either direction. It freaks me out because I cannot (ever) just go out and pick up a new pair of pants or whatever willy nilly.

As things stand right now after bills next week, I will have just about enough to pick up a pair of pants from one of teh local thrift stores. What this doesn't mean is a pair of pants I like but a pair of pants I need.

And I have to tell you guys I get so angry and upset.

It feels really dumb and I'm embarrassed to admit it but this is when I hate being poor. I hate being poor because I more often than not wind up with clothing that I absolutely need rather than what I absolutely love.

I fucking resent having to spend what little bit of dinero I have for clothing on shit that says nothing about my style or entirely displeases my sense of aesthetics.

It upsets me because I really LOVE thrifting but, I tend to have to buy this thing rather than buying this other thing and I hate it.

There I said it.

I'm sitting here blushing and I am really embarrassed.

But there it is.

I had intended on saving my clothes monies for one very specific pair of pants from Torrid (these in case you're wondering) expensive but I have been waiting (and writing Torrid at least once every two months) for some plain black twill boot cut pants.

I'm going to rebudget.

This type of situation is also why I'm so keen on figuring out some kind of side hustle so when these things come up I don't panic.

Anyway.

Regarding the weight Uniballer figures that it's not actual permenant weight. My appetite has only recently gotten back to normal after all that epic sickness/super insomnia so my body is readjusting.

Fuck guys, I really hate this feeling. I know that I will get through it and I will at some point get some goddamn ass covers but it's that panic, that moment when I am thinking OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK and my brain kind of grinds to a halt.

Back to the inbetweenie thing.

I will tell you right now, I really don't like this particular size of my ass. My life would be entirely simpler if when I gained 5-10 pounds I went up an actual pants size.

Whenever I gain or lose weight it tends to come off or come on all over in a rather evenish fashion. I say evenish because anything under say a size 10 my thighs/boobs and shoulders are out of proportion with the rest of my body, but over all my body gets a little rounder in general.

The reason this bugs me is because when I do have small amounts of weight gain or loss like recently, nothing fits properly. Not my pants, not my bras, nothing fitted fits right. But unless I lose or gain a whole lot of weight (over 20 pounds one way or the other) my actual clothing sizes don't change a whole lot.

So this means that I gain a little weight and my usually perfect pants are too tight enough that I don't want to wear them. But (like the pants I'm wearing right now) the size up pants are still too big.

A photo to show you.

It's not super quality but my pants are safety pinned pulled in about two and a half inches so they don't fall right off of my ass.



That bit near my fingers is the giant safety pin.

These are a torrid size 14. My usual size is yes a 12 as we've discussed previously.

So I am feeling crabby and angry.

*Note to self take a deep fucking breath.*

I feel a little better.

I will have new pants soon, I just have to make do for another week with what I've got.

Back to Nanowrimo. I'm a little over 11K in. Way behind but yeah.

Also I have some hand sewn stuff to show you guys at some point. And my first attempts at crocheted accessories including a cuff bracelet and necklace thingymaboober.

Also watch out for some new sexy times advice about guess what?

Penis that's what.

Also the epic tights review coming soon.

I love you guys.

Tell me what's new and fabulous.

Stumble It!

Indeed I do.

I'm not going to discuss the current fuss in the fatosphere because you know what? As I said yesterday I've been through it in this neighborhood before and I'm really just not in the mood today. Maybe tomorrow.

Rather I want to talk about some newish feelings I have about current feminism.

Now for you new folks I (as of what sometime last year?) no longer identify as a feminist. The last time I discussed it in depth was here.

For today keep this in mind. I am speaking to my own experiences here. These are my impressions and my feelings so if you want to disagree that's fine but, do take in the fact that I'm not trying to present facts or empirical evidence, I'm not linking to anything because I have no intention of having a beef with anyone.

This is how I feel.

Something I've come to slowly is that I'm terribly seriously and extraordinarily turned off by hard line anything. The idea that only what you're saying is appropriate and good and right, turns me off. When I get that impression I quite frankly stop listening or caring.

The fundamentalist viewpoint when it comes to any issue I come across is generally the first viewpoint that I like to edge out of my radar.

Fundamentalist views often get makes in my next issue with feminism as I have been experiencing it lately. The I'm educated and therefore correct attitude.

That isn't to say I have any sort of objection to being educated. I don't have a big problem with academia. What I do have an issue with is using academia and academic language to create a barrier between people. Especially when the people one is trying to reach may not be in that particular academic club.

It's just not my bag.

Additionally, as ever I have no patience for the idea that you cannot be a feminist if you do/believe/or feel like X. I think that's bullshit and I have a severe allergy to bullshit.

I don't like it (as if you've been reading me for awhile you're probably perfectly aware) when dissenting views are castigated for simply being dissenting. I personally have learned far more about the things I am passionate about by speaking to people who might not necessarily agree than talking about them with people who are just as for it as I am.

You can only pass around so many nods before things turn into a circle jerk.

I'm tired of hearing what issues are and aren't important. As with any set of issues that fall under a large umbrella term, if so and so with the eleventy billion readers, and forty contributors who all are brilliant educated people who also have written loads of important books and articles say, that X is an important issue and other issues are just Not. As. Important. I don't dig it.

I don't dig it because while yes, lots of things are tragedies, miscarriages of justice and fucking terrible there are only so many things I have space in my head to get worked up about. And if I were to express this in a lot of feminist oriented spaces I am familiar with, stones would be thrown. I don't like this trend towards having to search out every atrocity and get worked up about it.

The issue is not a lack of caring on my part, I do in fact care. However, my actual life is pretty fucking stressful and I only have enough Sanity Points for so much stress before I want to explode. I just don't. Which is why I have a tendency to not read comments on blogs or news articles. Which is why if within the first couple of paragraphs of something, if I think it's going to piss me off, I take a minute to figure out whether or not this is something I really need to be angry about.

Now maybe the spaces I'm thinking of do in fact welcome these sorts of opinions I don't know but frankly I don't have the patience to find out.

Moving along.

I have been trying to read a few contemporary blogs on the recommendations of a few trusted friends and I keep running into the same roadblocks.

A lot of what I'm reading just has nothing to do with the actual life I live. I have no special feminist tingle from the sort of I'm wearing designer shoes fist pumping type feminism I see a lot of. I don't identify.

I don't identify with the whole look at me I've got money and I'm awesome and Fuck you kind of feminism I've seen a lot of lately.

Basically it boils down to this.

I have an extreme intolerance to fundamentalism in any form. Whether it's religious, political or personal. I will not partake in things where if you do not believe in the One. True. Way. or you have the gonads to disagree with those in the position of disseminating the One. True. Way. Fuck you type mentality.

That's not the kind of person I am and it's not the kind of things I support when I come across it.

That is my big issue with a lot of current feminism, aside from rampant transphobia, racism (in the forms of blatant, insidious and sneaky and racism via ignorance) etc. I'm just not having it.

I think I'm done.

I'll revisit the issue maybe round my birthday when I tend to get introspective.

I have been doing some work regarding my feelings about religion and sprituality over on Dreamwidth. I am highly protective of it and have been waffling about opening it up. I'm not sure yet. I will probably make a decision this week and if anyone is interested in my yammering about spirituality (as in my OWN with the occasional side rant) let me know.

The essays are coming along. I've pulled about fourteen entries from here, some of my archived stuff from the Diary-x days and have been working on new ones. I'm not sure if they will be ready to be released on Lulu (yeah I know I could probably shop them around but I'm honestly not ready for that) by the holidays or not. The process has been way more intensely emotional than I'd anticipated I've hit some emotional land mines that surprised me and frankly it scares the pee out of me.

So with that my darlings I'm spent. I'm going to continue my research for Nanowrimo. I'm really excited about it this year. I'm going to be doing a vampire novel with way less focus on the European model of vampires. My main vampire is an ancient Nubian. There is going to be a lot of Egyptian religion, some of my own flavor of vampire mythos, sex, blood, and monsters who love being monsters. The type I've said before who will rip out your throat and fuck the hole and still feel good about themselves in the morning. Self loving monsters.

So yeah I'm still yammering fuck man. Okay now I'm really done. I'm going to stretch, make some tea and probably do a little fiction writing.

Homo Out.

PS a few people have asked where my little tag line comes from. I'll retell the story tomorrow.

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The Amoral Fatty.

a⋅mor⋅al
–adjective
1. not involving questions of right or wrong; without moral quality; neither moral nor immoral.

For the purposes of this entry I'm using amoral with this usage. Not the one that indicates some nefarious things.

The issue of the "Good" Fatty vs the "Bad" Fatty has reared up in the Fatosphere yet again. I've been around for it many times and my opinion hasn't changed.

I do not believe that it behooves fat people (or people in general for that matter) to buy into the idea that there are somehow more virtuous among us fatties.

Now the stereotypical "Good" fatty is about as follows:

• Good Fatty exercises regularly or a lot.
  
• Good Fatty eats a carefully created nutritionally optimal diet.


• Good Fatty wears stylish and often higher priced clothing.


• Good Fatty doesn't have an eating disorder.


• Good Fatty toes the party line.


• Good Fatty never discusses or admits to any desire to lose weight or otherwise alter the shape or size of their body.

I could go on but you get my point. I don't say these things out of meanness however these are some of the things I've seen "bad" fatties question about themselves and thus feel like they are being edged out or are not welcome in many FA spaces.

I do not buy into the idea that there is a moral hierarchy to the size and shape of bodies. The fat person who does the above things is no more "good" in this context than the fat person who yes has an eating disorder or who is just fat because they (insert reason here) or that fat person who is not comfortable in their skin and does have a desire to lose weight.

I don't buy it, endorse it or take part in it.

I would prefer that rather than pointing fingers and telling people why they shouldn't say this that or the other thing, that we listen.

For me a big part of activism is hearing dissenting view points. If someone comes here and says, I think it's fucking awesome that you are a happy fatty but I'm not and I don't know if I want to lose weight or try to love myself as is, that is fine with me. A lot of people are not going to suddenly come to the conclusion that

It's fine with me because I've been there and even if I hadn't, I am more than happy to help you work it out by just being here talking.

To take this out of being strictly FA related.

I don't believe that good health is a moral issue as I've said before.

I don't believe that if you eat the textbook perfect diet, and exercise for hours on end that you are any better than the person who eats Mickey D's daily and wouldn't walk to the escalator. And the fact is, there are fat and thin people at both ends of that spectrum.

It is what it is.

To come back to FA in particular I think it's damaging to the cause to seemingly embrace this dichotomy. If we can't treat each other like our personal choices are awesome regardless of what they are, how can we expect the word at large to do that?

I would like to see less disclaiming that X persons choices are not at all the norm, oh no we're not all like that type thing.

I personally would like to see that someone like Heidi doesn't have to say things like this:

I am a really BAD fat and there don’t seem to be very many of us, so it’s a little lonely, even in the Fatosphere!

Honestly if people have to keep saying things like this, I don't want to play anymore. I don't want to play if we keep finding it necessary to use these kinds of labels to get ourselves (or those of us who are "good" fatties) accepted.

For the record, everybody is welcome here. Dieting? Unsure? Skinny? Super healthy? Really not so healthy? Fat? Kinda fat? Sorta fat? Super fat? Exerciser? Expert in reclining? Whatever.

You can play too.

This here is not a Good Fatty place.

I am not a Good Fatty.

I am not a Bad Fatty.

My fat is amoral.

I am just, fat.

I think that's all. I'm having a long day and everything is getting on my nerves.

I promised outfits didn't I?

I posted them in my lj here they are if you wanna have a looksy. Feel free to comment there or friend me if you want to. Also remember if you're going to steal my pictures to snark on, don't hotlink.

With that my darlings I'm done. My tummy is telling me to drink some Wu Yi Oolong with my crackers and study my notes for Nanowrimo. HOly shit y'all I'm doing fucking NOTES for once. This might turn out to be yanno a real novel.

Okay my homies and haters. Tomorrow I have a post about haters in mind that I hope will make you giggle and at least one special reader feel better.

Your mission for tonight is to at some point catch your own reflection give yourself the nod and say fuck yeah. I think we all need it today.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

What do we say?

This is going to be a thoughty/rambly post I'm warning you now.

However I will first report that Operation Give Self Braids was a fantastic failure. Read all about it here in my hair journal.

Okay.

First have a looksy at this post by Etana over at Fatshionista. Which was sparked by the announcement of a new blogger over at Shapely Prose A Sarah. Go ahead I'll wait.

So my thoughts on the diversity thing.

First let's make things perfectly clear.

Criticism when it is thoughtful and not made personal is not picking on people. I am a seriously firm believer in the idea that if you really care about an issue, or a group that you are willing to be a squeaky wheel in order to make it better.

Secondly, I don't know anybody in the Fatosphere personally. No seriously I don't. To tell you the truth I don't even remember how I got involved to begin with at all. Anybody remember?

Thirdly, let's get my point of view perfectly crystal clear.

I am a queer woman of color. I am mid range fat you could say. I am working class poor. This is not a strictly fat related online web journal and never has been. I've been journaling under this moniker for something like seven years or so. I talk about a lot of stuff. It's my litterbox I can and will talk about whatever I want.

Now, I will say that if you are looking for all fat all the time this is not the blog to be reading.

For a primer on some of my (toward teh bottom also, mega cleavage in that post) opinions on race look at these entries. I'm not rehashing all of that right now.

Last thing, I am not bullshitting here. I'm not going to alter my perceptions, put it gently or whatever. So if you're feeling delicate or your sensibilities are tender skip it.

Now after reading both posts (Etana's and the one at SP) and all of the comments I will say a few things.

First impression is that I am again disappointed. I am disappointed that people still cannot fathom or don't want to even try to understand that yes race intersects with my experience of fatness (note I am using personal pronouns here because I am not the Dowager Empress of Black People and can only speak for my own feelings) and has contributed mightily to my over all experience and point of view in life.

To tell you the truth it really pisses me off. I feel disrespected and marginalized when the fact that I am a Person of Color gets glossed over or is shunted into something that's invisible thereby negating the idea that diversity of perspectives and people is an unimportant thing.

That is a straight off the top gut thing. Not a deep thought thing.

Once I get past that initial feeling I don't honestly believe that it's Kate's or any of the other SP contributors job to further diversity. I think if people are in fact wanting more diversity in FA they need to seek it out and not rely on the Big Name folks to get it done for them.

On the other hand, at some point if you are saying you want this that or the other thing(diversity of voice whatever) you need to not talk about it and do it. I've spent a lot of time hearing one thing but not seeing it in action and it bugs me.

So my initial reaction was yay A Sarah whomever you are but, wow I really don't care all that much.

That's my first off the top, emotional, not braining yet reaction.

After thinking about it here is how I feel.

Now as for who's voices are being heard.

Over the years I've been involved with a lot of activist type things where at some point media attention happens. I've learned a lot and this isn't exclusive to FA but these are my impressions.

When you have a movement often the people who are getting the coverage, the readers, the press what have you fall into two camps. Yes, these are huge generalizations I realize this. Stay with me.

On one hand you have the nut cases. Media loves the extreme and often will find the most whacked out person to be the "example" of whatever group. It happens.

The other camp tends to be the most palatable to the masses person they can find. That person will often be an educated white person. Someone non-threatening, who talks pretty and whatnot.

Now when it comes to FA a lot of new people are drawn to the big names. And don't front we know there are in fact Big Names.

That is perfectly natural.

Also, a lot of people new to FA might likely not be comfortable being here with yours truly. A lot of folks are white folks who are not yet comfortable being immersed in the world of a person of color. That is the truth. Some people, aren't yet comfortable examining their privilege, or being called on it. Some people (I'd wager a lot of people) are totally adrift in conversations that involve race beyond maybe what they heard in high school about the history of the civil rights movement.

Being exposed to the reality of people of color can be a really overwhelming thing. There can be fear, grief, shame. I know (at least two people have told me personally) that they are too ashamed and intimidated because they had no idea about the realities of race and racism.

If you are one of those people baby it's ok.

No it is. It's okay because I don't expect humans to walk around fully informed. If you need to lurk about here or even if you need to not read when I talk about race for awhile that's okay.

What isn't okay is the idea that these things are not important. That is where the shit starts hitting the fan and I get angry.

The reason it's important to me in a nutshell is because I don't spend any time ever not fully aware of my skin color. Not a single day since I became aware there were differences in skin color. That is why it's important to me.

Moving along.

Being a person of color in FA is sometimes not awesome.

As with a lot of other of my interests being a minority in a minority is sometimes tiring.

I battle quite often with when I feel like reminding people that they are saying or doing something that has a racisty (yes I made up that word shut up) flavor.

I'm 32 years old and you know what, it's tiring to feel like I have to be or want to be the Educating Negress all the time.

On the other side of it, I am deeply honored when people are comfortable coming to me to ask their questions about my experience as a Person of Color. When someone feels comfortable telling me that they had never thought about something until I talked about it, or never thought about how it might feel to be in whatever situation that makes me feel good.

Sometimes it is a lot of pressure and I feel weird and like I might be power tripping in my own brain and I don't like that. It happens. I usually get over myself.

And being that I am not the Dowager Empress of Black People, I can't speak for the masses. All I can talk about is my own experience.

That experience is one that is manifested and was created by a multitude of things not the least of which are the color of my skin, my queerness, growing up poor, being a poor working adult just barely hanging onto the edge, being an author, being kinky, liking the sort of fatshions I like, my love of glamour and make up, the art I love and that moves me, by what I've seen, where I've been.

That is my purpose here.

If I'm going to be honest I want to show you folks who might have never really been friends with a queer/Black person/lady/gender fucker/person like myself.

I want to be a window into a world that is not yours.

I want to be a mirror because even if you're from a whole other world, I would bet you dollars to Voodoo Donuts that there is a commonality in our worlds.

I want to be a place where someone who might not be into FA can come and read about body issues and not feel kicked out, I want to be a place where my very thin folks can read and nod along, where my super fat (but only if you're wearing your cape, I must have rules) homies can come and not feel weird because our bodies aren't the same, I want to welcome you folks who are kinda like, uh this chick is weird and I don't get it but I kinda dig it.

You see what I'm saying here?

I want to be one of those people you run across in life that if some question you know is weird and jack assy, but you just have to ask someone, fuck it come ask me.

The truth is folks, I'm a big ole hippy.

My ultimate goal is that you all love yourselves. Even if you hate me and think I'm a fucker, love yourself.

I want us all to keep on heading for that point on the horizen where we can all feel like we matter, that we have voices that need to be heard, that we all have a place in the world.

I want to lead the parade.

And I want people to know they aren't alone when they feel shitty or down. Or when they can't figure out how to have an orgasm, or how to find a pair of shoes, or how to thrift shop, or how to buy make up.

It's a sacred thing to me to share the knowledge I have. I very seriously believe that it is imperative to my growth as a human being to hold out my hand when I can and help people when I can.

It makes my soul feel good.

So okay this has been rambly and I did warn you.

If you made it through all that bravo and thank you I do appreciate it.

Yes, even if you just came here to point and laugh at the delusional fatty. Whateva.

All this said, I'm off my darlings. I have some other writing that needs to be done. I also really need some real food. I also need some tea and to meditate for a minute so I don't try and stab myself in the eye while doing my screen writing homework.

An aside, dudes screen writing is fucking hard but I'm learning it. See my first completed assignment from my book head to the lj.

Lastly, to all those who've served and are serving now. Thank you.

Homo Out.

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