Where we discuss...Penis.

Now before I start doling out advice about the penis let's get a few things straight so we're on the same page.

I think dicks are awesome. I know there are a few penis having folks reading and your penis, yes yours is awesome. However, if you have a penis please don't to the helicopter because a.) it looks like it hurts and b.) can make me laugh until I pee myself.

And nobody wants me peeing.

Now let's embark on a discussion about penis and large peen in particular.

Here are the questions of the day from one of our dear vigin homies:

1. He's really well endowed. The first time I saw his penis, I was so scared. If I get to know him better, oral might not compensate for what I (or we) feel anymore and maybe we might "go all the way" but I am so terrified of the pain and the thought that I might get hurt...what should I do?

2.) Any tips for oral on such a gentleman? Plus, is it OK to swallow? I'm really scared I might throw up or something!

First let me take your second question.

You can swallow or not swallow as you please baby. Man come can taste weird. Some doesn't taste good, others might taste fine. What your dude is eating plays a big role in how it tastes.

I would encourage you to if you're not ready to swallow yet let him have his orgasm elsewhere. Where ever. On your boobs, in your hands, on your lips. It's all sexy and fun and you don't have to worry about jumping up to spit if you feel the need to.

Now for your first question.

I took it to Twitter.

Here is the consensus of ideas:

Using hands in conjunction with the mouth can save on achy jaws & fatigue.Also, pull back frequently, to flex the jaw muscles.

That is oral advice now let's get to the penetration.

You need some supplies.

Condoms (of course) and just as important you need lube. You don't need fancy lube if you don't want it. Feel free to head to the drug store and get some plain old lube of whatever flavor you find appealing.

The liquidy KY, the gel kind. I'd avoid the warming stuff. I personally take issue with things near my crotch that say warming. I just don't want it. Have your lube on hand and apply it liberally after he's got his condom on.

One of my personal favorite methods is to lube up the tip of him penis, then get a little inside of yourself, relax and hold on. And there's no such thing as too much lube.

Now for the fun part you have homework.

You need some penetration practice. Now I'm talking your fingers, his fingers toys whatever. Get yourself ready by checking out your pussy. The important things of note (at least on my list of vagina notes) if you are laying on your back say, what angle is comfortable?

What I mean by that is if you put your fingers or toy straight into your vagina does it feel good? Does it feel better if you go in at a slight angle? So yes my darling, I am instructing you to masturbate alone or with your partner. A lot.

Next thing, take it slow. I am encouraging you to take your big peen having partner by (literally) the peen and take charge of how quickly things are going. One of the easiest ways to do this is by getting on top.

From a top position you can hold his penis in your hand and control how quickly he gets inside you.

Or if you'd rather get vocal. Tell him when to slow it down, or hold up and give you a minute.

I know you're nervous so let's practice a couple of other things.

When you do decide it's time, remember to breathe. Also if you have been penetrated before (as in used tampons, masturbated etc) you probably don't have a hymen anymore. You may still bleed a little the first few times but most likely the pain won't be super bad. Now I can't promise it won't hurt because it might but know that after a time it won't hurt quite so much.

As for getting hurt. You will probably be sore afterwards. Your abs might get sore, your back might get sore if you two are going at it like some hotass pretzels.

The key to managing how sore you are later is take it slow, tell him if he's moving too fast or if something hurts. Don't be afraid to pipe up.

And if you're still not ready for penetrative sex there are all sorts of other sexy things you can do together that are pretty awesome.

I've already mentioned masturbation.

Masturbate in front of each other, show him what pleases you. Give him an up close and personal lesson. Tell him to sit out of arms reach and watch. It's fun. Or take his hands and pleasure yourself with them. Also super hot, lots of fun AND bonus it's educational.

Now I'd like to talk to not just your dude but to my other homies who have bigger peenors.

Yes you.

Let me tell you a few things that your lovers (current, potential etc) might want you to know.

Do not take your moves from porn. Please. Unless we ask for it rough, don't go in all crazy because that can hurt in a not fun way.

Do not be insulted if we want lube. As a big peen having sort lube is your friend, don't be afraid to lube yourself up before going in.

Spit is not lube.

Let me say that again, spit is not lube. No matter what the porn tells you it's not. And frankly that's kinda gross.

Use condoms that fit you. Use magnums or use the looser styles but use condoms that fit. Ill fitting condoms don't work as well as ones that fit properly. Along that same theme, make sure you know how to put it on right. Show your partner. If there's sexing going on, there are rubbers going on. Do it because you love your penis and you think your partner is awesome.

Also, be mindful of the size of your penis. Realize that you can hurt your partner and unless they ask you to, that is not awesome.

Lastly my big penis bearing friend, your cock is fucking awesome. Yes it is. Treat it as such and you and your penis will have a happy relationship.

Now my homies the floor is yours.

Do you have a big penis? Give our thus far virginal friend some advice.

Do you enjoy the big penis? Same goes for you offer up some advice for our homie.

Remember my friends sexytimes does not have to be serious business and I encourage you all to talk amongst yourselves about it. And the best knowledge is communal knowledge.

I'm in the home stretch of nanowrimo and my word count isn't quite as awesome as I'd like but the story is pretty fucking kick ass.

African Diaspora vampire tale.

Now my darlings you may or may not hear from me for the rest of the week.

I will close by saying GO TEAM FATASS! GO GO GO WRITE WRITE WRITE!!

And Happy Turkey day my American homies.

And I love all of you.

Homo out.

Stumble It!

Ooooh sexy sexy sexy.

Okay folks it's sexytimes.

Our Former Virgin friend and her new lover need some help y'all.

Here is the upshot of her question:

Only problem and frustration for him and me is that he hasn't been able to bring me to orgasm and he wants to give oral etc to try and do that but I just am so frustrated bc I am not confident in his ability make me orgasm that way either.

Also later let's give her some how to give a blow job advice.

First up, it's going to take some practice. Being that you were both virgins and your new partners fireworks don't always happen when you want them to and that's ok.

Now the best way to show a new partner what you like is to do just that and show them. You can do this in all sorts of fun ways my personal favorites being masturbating together, and using yourself as your own stunt double.

Try this. Have your partner lay next to you in bed, get cuddled up and start talking. Tell your partner how much you enjoy his body (for now let's use male words since her partner is of the peen having sort), tell him the things you'd love for him to do to your body with his body.

If you need to prepare sit down at some point by yourself and try to think of some things that you like and can write down.

For instance do you prefer harder or softer clitoral stimulation?

Direct or indirect stimulation?

When it comes to him giving you oral sex you're going to have to have some fun experimenting. Every woman is different and what might send me to the Jupiter might leave you annoyed you know?

I will say to not watch mainstream porn for inspiration. Cause really?

Next thing is you have to relax. Don't expect fireworks and awesome on the first try because it often doesn't go that way. Let your partner get a feel for how your particular anatomy is and when he does something you like give him encouragement. But please don't just nod. When you're going down on someone it hurts your neck to be looking at her face a lot of the time.

Tell him, yes right there do that more etc you get my drift.

If he's close but not quite there don't be afraid to move around. Put a pillow under your butt, hold your labia open if you are so moved.

Remember my darling there are no rules.

And the same goes for you giving your partner a blow job.

In the most general terms, don't use your teeth at all unless your partner asks you to. Relax. And for basics remember, keep your mouth wet, pay attention to what his body is doing and let him guide you to what feels good.

You don't have to go for deep throating gold for both of you to enjoy yourselves.

One thing to remember is that if you're giving a bj without a condom at some point he's probably going to come and be prepared. Man come can taste funny or downright bad. If you don't want to swallow, ask your partner for warning before he gets off so you can aim so to speak.

Things to remember.

Relax your throat so you don't get a surprise gag reflex.
Don't neglect your partners balls. Some gentle (gentle) stimulation really rocks some boys worlds.
If your partner gets over excited and thrusts more than you can handle you can slow that down by putting your hand around the base of his cock but don't squeeze too hard.

In my experience when you're giving someone a blow job, the best thing to do is try what comes naturally. Some suction (not too hard), some tongue and explore.

From an anatomical perspective penises have differing places that are more sensitive than others. Some men, the very tip of their cocks are super sensitive. Others, the spot right on the underside of the head. Once you find his hot spots, try not to overwork them.

So now my readers, I turn it over to you my darlings.

When you're with a new partner how are you making orgasms happen together? Have a funny story? Something you think is a little embarassing?

Feel free to go anonymous and let it all out right here.

And I know I have some man type readers, what advice do you gentlemen have about blowjobs?

Okay look out for (Monday or Tuesday) more sexytimes questions.

And tomorrow, some stuff on the fat sex.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

Everybody is doing it.

So much sexy sexy and so little time. I had planned on doing one big sexytimes advice thingy but, I want to pay closer attention.

First up we have an update from our darling virgin from this entry. (I am right aren't I?) Has been having some sex. I was assured that they were safe and had a good time.

FUCK YES.

Can we do a group happy dance?

Okay.

My now doing it homie I will answer both of your questions on Thursday or Friday.

Now from Cupcake we have this excellent question:

I'm a virgin, but I consider myself to have a fairly high sex drive, and masturbate fairly regularly. Something I've noticed, however, is that after my first one or two orgasms, it becomes more difficult to orgasm, and if I want to have another, holding my breath until I almost pass out seems to help me orgasm.

I've heard of autoerotic asphyxiation, and know a little bit about that, but first I wanted to put the question out there: is it common for most people to achieve difficult orgasms by withholding their breath? A great majority of my friends are sexually active, but it's not a question I'm comfortable asking them, so I turn to you, <3

I love you too Cupcake.

And from a Nameless Peenhavinghomie I got a very similar question that he requested I don't post verbatim.

Okay babies check it out.

Breathe in my universe is a serious part of orgasm one way or the other.

Not to get into super super specifics but the short answer is yes, lots of people hold their breathe in order to get to that next or even their first orgasm.

I personally am naturally inclined to do that but I've learned over the years that I will most likely just give myself a headache doing that so I (aside from over the years spending lots of time having at myself) tried altering my breathing instead.

For some people, hyperventilating themselves is the way to go. After your first orgasm try easing up on the stimulation and taking long deep breaths from your diaphragm as if you're about to sing or yell.

Now when you are not with a partner I really strongly suggest not doing any kind of breath denial play with yourself. I don't think it's a good idea at all.

You can also experiment with breathing patterns. Short breaths for however long, then a few long ones etc.

Or you can actually try instead of increasing stimulation and pressure while you're masturbating ease up for awhile and let your body recover.

Indulge yourself during your refractory period. Maybe during that time frame focus on different kinds of stimulation. Play with your nipples, or whatever other skin feels appealing and go back to it.

I think the important thing is to figure out different ways to pleasure your particular body. Both of you, Cupcake and my Peenhavinghomie respectively.

The upshot here is that while I do think breath play is fun I do think that it's not a safe thing to do by yourself. I also think that if you're not having sex with a partner there is no better time to teach yourself different ways of achieving orgasms and thus you'll be super prepared for your partners.

SO my prescription is as follows for both of you and for everyone else.

Masturbate a lot.

Touch yourself in new and exciting ways.

Work it out.

Report back.

Okay my homies I've had a busy day. Thursday look forward to talk about blowjobs, new lovers and oh yes, more sexytimes advice.

So this means I'm back and feelin pretty awake and awesome.

Allergies and joints are still being fuckers but meh.

OH and before I go I'm a featured author at Outside Writers today and I am really proud of this piece go read it here.

Goodnight darlings.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

Sex advice for the nervous.

Our question comes from the fabulous Apprehensive who says,

I'm a long-time lurker on your blog, and I was wondering if you could help me with an issue I'm confronting in my sex life.

I'm a female college student, and I am with a new boyfriend, whom I love. We have fooled around a fair amount, and it's been lovely. Right now, we're apart for the summer, but once we get back on campus in the fall, we want to give intercourse a try.

My boyfriend is completely inexperienced and naive, and I feel a certain responsibility to guide him, and make sure he has a good experience. At the same time, I'm quite concerned that I might have difficulties with intercourse.

I've had a variety of sexual relationships, many of them quite wonderful. But while I do find penetration pleasurable, it hurts! It doesn't seem to matter whom I'm with, or that they--or I--do.

I don't think I have vaginismus or some similar condition, since I can handle finger penetration just fine. But try and stick anything large in there, and things go horribly wrong.

I love my boyfriend, and I want his first experience with intercourse to be relaxed, fun, and all-around positive. I know he would be mortified by the thought of hurting me. But I feel that I need to address this issue with him, so that I don't end up suffering through more painful, unsatisfying sex.

Any help or advice would be WONDERFUL.

Thank-you so much!
Apprehensive

Oookay my darling.

First of all you sound like an awesome partner for someone to have for their first time. And I will tell you that most likely your boyfriend is going to be so excited about doing it for the first time that wonderful or not, it's going to be a bit overwhelming and kinda like OH MY GOD SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEX and he's done.

That's fine and normal.

As far as guidance goes, for those first few times make sure that a.) he's not going all buck wild and poking you in the butt if you don't want that and b.) he's not going all buck wild and trying to get in there too soon. Be gentle but firm.

Now as for you I would ask you a few questions.

Have you been checked out by a gynecologist regularly?
Have you or do you penetrate yourself with toys or your fingers?

Now that second question I ask because all of us vagina having people, our vaginas while basically the same are not all the same. If you don't already penetrate yourself here is what I suggest.

Take some time by yourself while you're feeling good and explore the shape of your vagina with your fingers.

Next thing think about past sexual experiences that were pleasant. Do you feel pain or soreness from similar positions? Have you been with fellows endowed with the big peen?

Both of these things can cause soreness and pain during or after having penetrative sex.

And that brings me to my next question, are you experiencing pain during intercourse or are you sore after?

If you start to get sore during this could come from a lot of things. You and your partner might need lube. Or you may need to switch positions. If you're having pain high up, your partners penis can be hitting your cervix and that can hurt (albeit sometimes in a pleasurable OH THAT'S AWESOME way).

If you're sore after I say again you might need lube or to explore different positions. You also might need a break. There is nothing wrong with calling a mid sex time out for the home team. Just remember not to forget your partner during said time out.

Being that you're fairly certain you don't have vaginismus I will recommend some stuff that can help treat that, and that may help you.

Masturbate a lot. This goes back to the putting your own fingers inside yourself but try buying a smallish toy. Maybe start with something a bit smaller than whatever penis you're used to. This way you can take some time to figure out at what point you're experiencing discomfort before it turns into pain.

Also you can figure out if you're having lubrication issues, if maybe one angle of penetration is more painful for you than another.

Try doing some some Kegel Exercises.

I fucking love Kegel's like whoa.

Now the awesome things about these is aside from being able to proclaim that you have a Pussy of Might, you will learn how the different areas of muscles feel and how to relax them. Think of it as yoga for your crotch.

Here is a reasonably decent explanation of the how to do Kegel's. And despite how clinical that reads lemme give you some real talk scoop.

Once you have good PC muscle control it is possible to get yourself quite aroused without touching yourself and where ever you want. This is a great thing for those of us who are slow to arousal or have libido issues.

You can also learn to use your PC muscles during sex to help yourself get to orgasm which not only feels awesome for you, can be an awesome HOLY SHIT PUSSY IS AWESOME AND MIGHTY moment for your partner as well.

If you're planning on having kids I have heard that having exercised PC muscles can assist in childbirth. That I have not done the field research on cause that's not how I roll but it's what I hear.

Strong PC muscles can also (as the instructions above say) help to not be incontinent as you get older or after childbirth. Also awesome.

Boys, don't think you are being ignored. PC muscles can help you maintain erections if you have trouble with that, they can so I hear make a difference in what you're feeling. Also boys I know how you are and penis tricks can be really amusing. I will admit, sometimes (okay fairly often) I think silly peenor tricks are funny.

Back to you Apprehensive.

I suggest spending some time this summer working this out for yourself. Not for your partner but for you.

And my darling report back, do some experimenting and let me know how you're doing or if you need some more help. Also and I am sorry to be bossy baby but I demand you go to your girly doctor and get totally checked out.

I'm afraid I must insist.

And if you can't afford your regular doc go to Planned Parenthood or find a low cost/sliding scale clinic in your area. Your ladyparts must be looked after or they will rebel.

Now folks here's where I turn it over to my awesome readers of fantasticness. Have you had experience with these issues? Can you offer our darling Apprehensive a word of wisdom or understanding? Oh I know you can.

And one more thing before I flitter off to eat delicious soup, Will, my Virgin friend, Canelle (yikes off the top of my head I am not awesome) all you folks who have written how are you doing? Yes I do really want to know. Leave a comment or send me a note.

Okay that's all homies.

Tomorrow an awesome fashion question. Also An outfit post from yours truly.

And as always if there is anything, no I mean anything you want to ask me that you think I might know. Ask away. Even if you feel dumb or weird ask me anyway and give yourself a silly moniker while you do it.

Homo out.

Stumble It!

My...milkshake brings all the boys to the..er no.

Oh my darlings we have a fantastic letter from our homie Canelle but before I get to this let me say to Will.

HELL TO THE YES baby.

I am so glad we (yes we, that includes you my homies)could be of some help. Now just for me, if you please. The next time you are with Wifey and Kidlet, grab them put on some music and shake it for joy. Or slow dance for joy. Hug each other, and kiss each other and laugh and be merry because you are on the right track and you have people cheering you and your family onto happiness.

Now let's get to Canelle's question. It's taken me a bit to formulate a response but here we go. And as usual my homies let's all
help our homegirl out okay?

Ready..steady GO GO GO.

I know you mostly give sex advice but does relationship stuff count too? I hope so! ('cuz I still haven't had sex yet)

I'm 22, slim, busty n' big bootied but a little shy and soft spoken at first but open up as I get to know the person. I'm very polite and humble; rudeness just isn't me.

I find it difficult to make friends with or even meet males I either haven't grown up with/aren't gay. I like hanging out with guys; they're so much fun! Beer and nachos! But then 99.99% of them are always trying to come onto me sexually beneath a "friendship ruse". Should I just be satisfied with the guy friends I have now and bury this issue?

My gay guy friends have said that men are intimidated by pretty girls. Is this true? Men stare at me everywhere I go.

I don't dress provocatively as I'm at school a lot, so I like my jeans and fitted shirts. I also wear little make-up but most guys never approach me. They just stare. What does this mean?

How do you meet boys, Nudiemuse? Why do they always stare and stare and STARE but never say anything to me? I don't get it! ;_; Also, how can you tell when a guy is genuinely interested in more than just your boobs? The bad ones seem so good at disguising their intentions. Am I doing something wrong?

Thank you!
--Canelle

Okay first Canelle I love you too.

I'm going to go about this a bit backwards but I have to tell you. From remembering my days as a big titty, smarty at your age, yes a lot of boys see boobs are are like, "OH BOOBIES...heee BOOOBIES...no wait pretty girl..but OH GOD BOOOBIES LOOK AT HER BOOBIES" this internal dialogue can keep a young man from actually talking to you.

Also, a lot of men and women are just freaked out and feel weird and shy when presented with a smart, hot lady such as yourself. And some of us when we feel that way do indeed just stare. There is not a thing in the world wrong with you aside from your hotness, friendliness, smartness, awesome shoes, and niceness can be intimidating.

Take a second to take that in Canelle, you in your shy but friendly glory may well be quite intimidating to the boy types. So yes listen to your gays, your gays know these things and pretty girls are in fact intimidating.

Hell, I am 32 years old and can still be struck dumb by the right combination of the above traits.

Next okay, I will tell you honestly at your age a lot of young dudes are in fact trying to get laid. By and large men are at their sexual peak right around your age, and that being what it is want to get their party bits touched however they can.

And some dudes are just assholes about it.

Some aren't.

Now let me ask you a few questions sweetie, are you looking for a steady relationship? Do you want to just date a little?

This is important because, if you're looking for The Dude right away that can be scary when you're young. Some young guys aren't going to want to go there right now.

If you're looking to date, be upfront. I'm very glad you can see through the let's be friends but lemme touch your boobs thing, which if that works for you awesome, if it's not what you want let them know they aren't getting away with it.

If you happen on a boy who's doing that, but who you like try just telling them straight up, "Let's go on a date and skip the bullshit."

Granted some guys this is going to terrify and they might not talk to you. But dating like everything else is a numbers game.

Also dating doesn't have to be srs business. You don't -have- to be in a serious relationship. You only have to do what makes you feel good and happy.

I think you're probably on the right track for meeting boys. If you are into stuff like beer and nachos (WOOT) you'll meet boys. I will say that these days there are so many ways to meet people.

You could (and these things depend on many factors but these are off of the top of my head) join clubs, volunteer, do something you're really into.

That last one is awesome I think. I believe that meeting someone on some kind of common ground can be easier for some of us because you don't have that momentary, "OMG WTF DO I SAY HOLY SHIT BOOOBIES OMG OMGOMG" internal dialogue going on.

Personally at your age I wasn't super into actively trying to meet people specifically for dating. There was so much other stuff I wanted to get into, dating just kinda happened.

So, my bottom line advice to you darlin' is this.

You are not doing anything wrong, you're not weird, you are just fine.

Also, from my remembrances early twenties is a weird time. For a lot of folks. You've maybe not been out on your own a long time, you want to do all kinds of things, etc etc. You get me.

I say relax, hang with your gays. Even if a boy does that whole "let's be friends but lemme touch yer boobies" thing, if you like the boy set him straight and make a date. If you don't like the boy, you can nicely let them know that you can be friends, but the boob touching is out of the question.

Do stuff. Sounds awful simple doesn't it? But the truth is, I think you're on the right track. Keep doing stuff. And keep in mind that you Ms. Hotness can be intimidating so if the boys are just staring, that's probably why.

As for how to tell if a guy is genuinely interested in my experience they stick around. They talk to you, they hang out with you. And for the benefit of the guys, let me ask you to be gentle with them. A lot of young men are not all the way awesome yet at that age. Cut our peen bearing homies some slack.

They don't have the meet someone thing down yet either.

Now I turn it over to my smart and wonderful readers. Any other advice my homies? Boys, I know there are some of you out there can you give our lady here some tips?

Those of you who are coupled up, what worked for you? For you single folks what are you doing to meet people?

Are boys staring at you too?

Okay my darlings. Time for me to get back to work on my script frenzy project.

Also, look for a make up post on the Cheekan this week I have some budget stuff to review and some tips on being fabulous on a tight budget for those of us in the US and abroad.

Ready...GO GO GO.

Homo Out.

Tags: annoyed fat girl, afrosphere, sex advice

Stumble It!

This is a juicy one.

Today my darlings we have a really excellent question from Will. Let's get to it shall we? I broke it up into parts and let's go.

Will I'm SO glad you asked.

Okay, my wife seems to think my sex drive is unnaturally high, and that I don't concentrate on being a father as well as I should. My wife is a beautiful woman, and I'm a healthy young man who wants his lover back. It seems like our 2 year old son has become an anti-sex shield for my wife, who never had a very high libido to begin with. But she used to try, you know? She used to touch and kiss me more. There were days when she'd even initiate sex with me. Now, she refuses to do any of these things, and gets angry when I try to initiate with her. "We're adults now," She says. "We have to concentrate on being parents. We don't have time for sex." Or, "Honey, I'm tired. I don't feel like it."

This has been going on since my son was born. Needless to say I'm hurt and a little confused. I'm at the point where masturbation simply won't do, and she doesn't like porn, which might actually be interesting. I feel like my only options are: a) have an affair, b) accept defeat and continue to be forcibly celibate, or c) divorce her.

Okay Will we've got a meaty meaty question here. First thing, congratulations on your baby. That is wonderful.

Let's take things bit by bit.

I'll tell you I've known many many women who've had babies and at some point many of them have expressed that no, they don't feel like being touched. The fact is a lot of women spend all day with someone (being the baby) hanging onto them. It doesn't mean they don't like their kids, or don't like you for that matter but, it can be rough.

Let me ask you, does your wife stay at home to take care of the baby? Does your wife get any time to herself to just chill out without you or said baby?

I know for me personally, having some alone time without anybody no matter how much I love them is extremely important to me. Let's talk about libido and women for a minute here.

I think a lot of men don't really understand sometimes how complicated a womans libido can be. It's not always just a matter of wanting to do it or not.

For many women hormone levels, stress, having babies, being married etc can all work against her libido. Is your wife healthy? Have you two talked openly and honestly (and yes your feelings might get hurt sweetheart) about what she does or doesn't need? For a lot of us lady types, wanting to have sex can be hindered by so many outside things and sometimes we just need to get it out, and get it clear to get our groove back.

Now let's talk about you.

Do you express affection without the expectation of sex to your wife? Sometimes people don't think that if someone is already experiencing libido problems that the way in which you are expressing yourself physically could be stressing her out and adding to the problem.

Think about it this way, there's a huge difference between giving someone a hug and kiss just to give them a hug and kiss, than there is in giving someone a hug and kiss and giving them sexual energy. Still with me?

Do you find yourself putting pressure on her for sex? Whether it's conscious or unconscious, it can be difficult for both of you. You get frustrated and I imagine she might be hurt.

As for her saying that you don't have time for sex do you? Granted sometimes some hot lovin' is just the thing to end a stressful day or make the day go by more quickly but, sometimes we're just really too tired.

If she's expressing that being parents makes being sexual a no go, could there be other underlying issues?

I think that you two should maybe sit down together in a non-sexual situation and you can ask her why it is that she thinks this. Now this conversation might get weird and heated, she might not want to talk about it but sometimes these things are necessary.

When you are talking, don't make the things she says about how you feel or don't feel. I know a lot of people, myself included sometimes don't want to hurt our lovers feelings so we're not always as open as we could be. You have to work together to make it so you have that good open space to communicate.

And, be quiet. Let each other talk.

Now as for how to handle it that's tougher.

Unless you and your wife have an agreement about having sex with other people don't have an affair. I firmly believe that what works in a marriage or relationship is up to the people in it however, I think dishonesty is very destructive.

That being said.

I don't think you have to think of this situation as a defeat. It's not a fight or a war this is your relationship.

You can't approach your relationship the way you might approach a problem at work. You have to work, you have to listen, you have to be willing to do your part and change as does your partner.

None of these options are very appealing to me, but I don't know what else to do.

My question is, is there a way of reigniting some sexual response in her? Do I wait until she's asleep, put the boy into his own bed, and stroke her until she gets hot for me? Or am I just doomed to failure, here?

Okay do not do that. Just don't.

I know you're frustrated, desperate and upset but do not wait until she's asleep to start touching her. It's disrespectful and rapacious. It is not okay to have sexual contact with people without their consent. If you have been doing that, it's not helping your cause.

Also (I'm not saying this is what you're proposing but I want you to be very aware) be very very aware that the above can be construed as spousal rape which is never ever ok.

Never okay.

What you didn't mention is how other areas of your marriage are. Are you having financial trouble? Are there other things going on?

Your best move at this point may be to ask her to go to couples counseling. I do get the feeling there may be more going on than just your wife's libido not being what it used to be.

The bottom line is how much do you want to invest in the whole of your relationship?

Sex is very important to a lot of us, but it's only a part of what makes up a relationship.

Maybe suggesting counseling might be overwhelming to for you right out of the box.

How about you get a babysitter, make your wife a nice dinner, sit her down and look into her eyes and ask, "are you okay?"

Now as you're doing this, your wife might get uncomfortable and anxious. She might think it's just a ploy to get in her pants and that's okay. Reassure her that you want to talk, that you care enough to take some time out of your busy busy lives to check on her.

Maybe, she just really feels overwhelmed being a new Mama, maybe she really wants some time to herself so she can have a bath or read a book. Maybe she needs to be reassured that whether or not her libido is as fired up as yours, you still really care what's going on with her.

I truly believe that when you are in a relationship based on love respect and all those awesome things, you have to work damn hard. You have to deal with your own anxieties and frustrations, pay bills, take care of your partner, take care of yourself and it's all a big ole ball of stress sometimes.

But if you're in it to win it Will, get to work.

In the meantime (until you get counseling or have your talk) start teaching yourself to be mindful. If your wife seems overwhelmed maybe help her out. Do the dishes, bathe the baby, take out the trash, make the bed, do the laundry. Don't expect high praise or pats on the head just do it.

Make the effort to not just tell your wife verbally how much you love and want her, show her.

Now readers, be gentle. Let's help out our homie Will some more.

If you were Will or Will's wife what would you want or do? Have you experienced this sort of thing? What did you do.

I trust and love my readers Will so I believe we'll get you some more awesome advice.

Also please report back. Ask me more. Ask our readers more. And Will, let me tells you hell yes for asking. FUCK YEAH WILL. FUCK YEAH.

And anyone else, have a question? Have one of those burning questions you're too embarassed to ask anyone else? Techniques? Porn? Want to know what the fuck is going on with whatever? Ask me.

Now my darlings my darlings I am off.

ScriptFrenzy is going well.

I will have some new short fiction up soon that I am FUCKING STOKED about because it's going in a kickass webzine.

Uh.

Also next week look for some SuperFatty Crafting Skills updates because my skills, they have activated.

Okay laters.

I command everyone to spend at least five minutes between now and the next time you see me here on the intertubes do something that is silly and fabulous.

Make faces, roll around on the floor with your dog, put on some underwear and dance around your house to 80's music. Give yourself a facial, massage your own neck, masturbate, do whatever that makes you feel fancy.

Feel free to tell me about it after you've done it.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

A little advice..and whatnot.

Oh Paulie thank you for reminding me I totally forgot the end of the story from yesterday.

Self righteous Healthier than Thou lady doesn't speak to me anymore. I still see her several times a week and she usually just gives me a kind of sour face. I find it amusing.

So now onto the advice of the day.

One of my hetero guy readers asked this:

Hi Nudiemuse, I am a straight guy in my thirties and would like to know how to be a better lover.

I reworded that a bit because there were some fairly identifiable bits in there and I like to preserve my homies anonymity and this fellow mentioned some shyness about asking.

Okay first of all my peen bearing homie, the fact that you are asking this is an awesome place to start. Bravo.

I think your first step is to be a good partner in and out of bed. Give your lady support when she needs it, know when to leave her the fuck alone, don't expect her to be awesome all the time and chances are she won't expect the same of you.

Next thing, pay attention to her body. A lot of women are shy about being vocal when it comes to what pleases them. Many of us have been led to believe a lot of bullshit about our sexuality, everything from the old stupid idea that a woman is a ho if she enjoys sex to shame about our sex parts. I will tell you my homie, sometimes it is a serious burden for some of us and can really fuck with our sex lives for years.

Be aware of your lovers background. Does she come from a highly religious background? Has she had good sex before? Has anyone been mean to her about her sexuality? These are hard questions to ask sometimes but taking that initiative and starting that conversation can be a really wonderful thing. Also it shows you really care.

Now you're on the road to the emotional part of being a more awesome lover let's talk about some physical bits ok?

Of paramount importance is understanding lady junk. Yes. You need to understand the pussy, talk to the pussy, make friends with the pussy (Okay I totally was just half quoting the band Hed (pe) there for a second) in essence, you need to get a good grasp on how lady parts are.

First thing. Pussies are incredibly diverse. And frankly 99% do not look like what you see in porn or magazines. Actual pussy is not airbrushed.

Also to quote the Vagina Monologues, pussy is supposed to smell like pussy. Not flowers, not douche, not whatever weirdo powder is being marketed that day. Pussy.

You my friend are probably pretty awesome and already know this part.

Here's something to do. Go to Babeland (DUDES my affiliate link with Toys in Babeland check it in the sidebar) with your lady sitting right there with you and together pick out a new toy. Does she like shiny stuff? It's okay if you're both a little shy, giggle together. Read the toy descriptions outloud to each other and make fun of them if you feel like it, laugh, blush.

Remember sex does not have to be serious business.

Buy some porn together. If your lady is anything like me she may not be into mainstream porn at all. In which case I suggest maybe doing some googling together to find something you both like.

Being a good lover boils down to some essentials.

Being an open and honest communicator. Learn to really hear what your partner is saying.

Pay attention. If you do something and your lady's hips move slightly away but move closer when you do something else, go with the something else. You get me?

Be willing to be silly. Being silly and giggly can indicate that you are relaxed and relaxation can make all sorts of sex way more fun.

The truth is my friend, I can't tell you explicitly how to be a good lover to your lady because we're all different. The most loving and important thing you can do, is ask her.

I also as always advocate research. There are a bajillion blogs by women who talk about their sex lives. Head over to The Best Sex Bloggers and do some cruising. Look at their blogroll, just go crazy with the links and explore.

You can also head to the library or book store and peruse the womens studies and erotica sections.

And rely on your gut. If your gut tells you that your girl would not be down for rose petals on the bed and would rather play some DDR then have hot sweaty sexing on the floor, do that. You know your girl best.

Also okay my peen loving readers out there, I know there are a lot of you. Can we give this guy some more pointers? And if there are more of you boys out there, give your buddy some tips.

Okay I am spent.

I have some fatshions to post and um yeah.

Wow I seriously just ran out of steam so I should go eat before I fall out.

Homo Out.

PS...my interview is going up soon. Sarah is also, super fucking awesome.

Tags: annoyed fat girl, afrosphere, sex advice

Stumble It!

Advice for the virginal.

This question is awesome.

HI! I read your blog religiously--- I love how frank you are and that you really take time to help people out in such a forthright way. And because of that I am going to confess something to you "anonymously" that I have never, ever told anyone else before because I am far far far too embarrassed to even tell friends or family. I am 25 year old hetero female and have never had sex, never even kissed a guy or held a guy's hand. At the age of 24 was the first time a guy even hugged me. And now I am sooo afraid to being in any intimate situation with a guy because I literally have no idea what to do or how to do it. I am terrified of my first kiss because I don't want to screw up or make a fool of myself. And as far as sex goes--- I literally am 100% freaked out for the same reasons. But I want to have a romantic sex life..... I am just afraid of the unknown though.

Any thoughts, suggestions, references, referrals, anything??? Please please please help this "too-old-to-be-a-virgin"!!!

Thank you so so so much for even considering answering this desperate plea for help!!!

First of all my darling, I am so glad you sent in this question. And you have nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about.

Now first thing I recommend is take a deep breath, relax and take some notes baby.

You are not too old to be a virgin, you can be a virgin for as long as you damn well please. Also, you don't have to stay a virgin if you don't wanna. Your virginity is none of anyone's business if you don't want it to be, you don't have to be embarassed or feel like you're the only one because chances are you're not.

Next thing.

If you want to embark on losing your virginity or even getting some intimacy with a boy, go where there are boys. The fact is, you can take things as slow as you need to. You got a hug which is awesome, next thing maybe a date. I know it is stupid to give you the most cliche advice ever but, you just gotta do it. If you find a guy you're attracted to, make a move. Yes, it is super easy to say not as easy to do for a lot of folks but, like going into ice cold water sometimes you just have to jump right in.

If you're not ready to make the move on a hot piece of man, consider joining a social group or find another activity where there are men. Get to know some guys on a platonic level. I have the feeling you might not have a lot of male friends and being around men might make you feel weird and nervous. And I would bet you money that there are lots of guys who feel just as weird and nervous around the ladies too.

Hang out where there are men, talk to men. You don't have to think as far ahead as getting that first smooch if you don't want to. Since you are nervous and afraid I highly recommend taking your sweet time.

By this I mean, go on some dates. Or just spend some time around men. I also recommend (if you haven't already) masturbating. If you haven't spent some time exploring your body and having anything inside you, I suggest it. Do some fantasizing about how you might like a man to touch you.

Also, remember that your virginity can mean as much or as little to you as you want. I know the going dogma is that your first time kissing or having sex should be a huge momentous thing and frankly I don't believe that. It is your body, so the meaning is entirely up to you.

Um...

OH this could work for you. Find a male friend. Someone you can develop a close relationship with. Someone you like talking to and hanging out with. At some point if you get the feeling you can say, "look I want to kiss you." The guy might say no and it will hurt and feel bad but, it would not be the end of the world.

Keep in mind that everybody gets rejected at some point. Someone you are into might not be into you and it's not the end of the world, and it doesn't mean that you are terrible in some way. That is just not the person for you. You don't have to know what you're doing. I don't believe that anyone is born being a good lover.

If you want to take the approach I took before losing my virginity read about sex. I'm talking about erotica, factual stuff. Prior to losing my virginity I devoured sex information, and back then I didn't have the internet so you sugar are in a very awesome position of having everything you wanna know about doing it right at your fingertips.

For me, having intellectual knowledge of something can take a lot of the fear out of it. Bear in mind that even if you get all the knowledge in the universe what really turns me on, might not work for you and that's awesome. But knowing the possibilities can go a ways towards easing some of your fears and nervousness.

There are a couple of things I want you to go read right now.

The Scarlet Teen First Intercourse 101.

I think Scarlet Teen is one of the best resources on the web. It is geared towards youngsters but I wholeheartedly love all of the information. I've been reading and using that site since I got on the internets a long time ago.

Next read the 10 Best things You Can Do For your Sexual Self. Actually everybody go read that one.

Also before you do anything sexual with anyone (if you aren't already) go to your gynecologist and get checked out. Get on birth control if you want to, get familiar with your own lady parts health situation.

In essence my virginal homie, it all boils down to a few things. First and foremost get to know yourself sexually. Know your health, do the things that a responsible sexual partner does. You can even go get tested just to get an understanding of what that is like and what it's about (it's totally not as scary as it sounds), maybe enlist a trusted friend and head to the clinic for a let's get the all clear day out. Get tested, take your friend and go have some cupcakes afterwards. Make a day of celebrating your responsibility and respect for yourself.

And finally do not feel like you have to do anything. If you are out with a guy and are not feeling like hand holding or smooching don't. If you do find yourself out with a guy and you want to just go for it, do it. There are no rules dictating how you should or shouldn't do your thing. If you find you are satisfied with finding a guy you're into and snogging your brains out FUCK YES. If you find that you're happy jumping on a guy and riding him like a prize bull FUCK YES. If you decide you want to take things slow and stay a virgin FUCK YES.

You are a smart lady and you know what I'm saying here.


The only things I'm going to ask that you promise me are the following.

• Be safe. Use protection.
• Treat yourself with dignity and do not let people bullshit you. Your feelings and decisions are no one else's to make. The only person who's opinion on your virginity and journey to being a sexually active human are your own.
• Have some fun. Sex is no srs business. Weird and funny things might happen and that's okay and awesome.
• Finally, if you ever find yourself in a position where you start to feel entirely uncomfortable say no. You can say no whenever you want to and when you say no it is to be respected.

Feel free to write me again with more questions if you have them. Readers, do you have other tips? Are you a virgin too? Comment anonymously if you wanna. Help our homie out.

Now, go forth and give yourself some awesome orgasms. Look at your pussy (yes this too is required homework). Have a gander at the interwebs and look at some nekkid men. Take some time to really look at some penis, they are not scary I promise. Fortify yourself with knowledge and humour.

I hope this rambling bit of talk helps you out, have faith in yourself. There is some guy(s) who are going to rock your world with their hand holding and smooching skills. And eventually there is going to be that guy who's world YOU are going to rock.

Okay my homies.

That's it for today. Keep the questions coming. I just got one from a hetero fellow (Um OMFG I HAS SOME BOY READERS AWESOME! I love the peen!) who needs some lady loving advice and I have some.

Goodnight homies and haters.

Homo Out.

Tags: annoyed fat girl, afrosphere, sex advice

Stumble It!

Yes you Are a Feminist.

My Feminist homie sent in this question:

Not precisely a sex question, but I am ashamed of my fantasies because I identify as feminist; yet my biggest sex fantasies are about women being forced to enjoy sex by men who like to, say, share them around or share photos of them or suchlike. Does that mean that I really think women should be subjugated?

Am I weird because I always fantasize about made up people? It sends little ick messages to me to even think about using people who are real, it seems disrespectful to use them without their permission or knowledge. Doesn't matter if they're friends or celebrities.

Short version, you are absolutely a feminist still if you want to be.

Longer version.

Nothing you said makes me think that you want all women to be subjugated in this way. If you take a cruise around teh internets, I'm sure you'll find somebody who's going to be pissed off about your sexual fantasies and tell you, you're a horrible person and not a feminist and an enemy yadda yadda.

What you're talking about here is a desire to be kinky babe. And to my world view and to the world views of many a kinky person, there is not a damn thing wrong with it. I would feel troubled if you expressed a want for all your woman homies to be subjugated and used etc. But you don't.

I say, don't screw with yourself about it over much. For every person in the world there is something that turns them on.

What I do suggest is that you enjoy yourself.

Also about fantasizing. Let me tell you, if I know you or you're my friend I've probably envisioned you doing perverted things you would probably never in a million years do. I also fantasize sometimes about random people, the odd celebrity, other bloggers. That is human nature.

I look at fantasy this way. If you are keeping said fantasies to yourself unless someone asks who's business is it? I think the ick you're feeling might be coming from someone at some point shaming you about this. There is always someone who's going to tell you that there's something weird and wrong about you.

Maybe it's because you fantasize about made up people (I do too), or because you dream about bending over Becks, putting it in his nono place and riding him till the cows come home. As long as you're not walking up to people at an inappropriate time and saying, by the way Ted I saw you walking just there and I am going to be fantasizing later about riding your face like a bicycle seat. That would be icky.

We humans don't have screens on our foreheads advertising every thought for good reason. I would ask do you need to, or get permission to think when you see someone do something jerky, "what a jerk?". What goes on in your head, and subsequently in the sexy parts of your brain isn't anyone's business unless you make it their business.

I personally don't like to mix my politics and my sex life because inevitably at some point, something in my sex life is going to butt heads with my politics. For me, I think that making my sexual wants and needs political, makes things way more complicated than they already are and frankly, I just don't believe that what turns me on is up for debate.

I've spent way too much time standing up for whatever sexual practice to other people that I'm over it.

I'll tell you a little story.

When I was first introduced to feminism, the women who introduced me to it were kinda nuts. They hen pecked bits of dogma until they had this collection of bits that made me feel icky. They told me all the time that the boys I enjoyed sleeping with at the time were raping me, they told me that my girlfriend and I having kinky sex was a betrayal etc etc.

I spent a lot of time really sad and miserable and feeling guilty like every time I spanked my girlfriend or she spanked me we were turncoats to the cause.

I got a bit older and realized that wasn't the case.

Here's what I want you to do my Kinky Feminist Friend. I want you to enjoy your fantasies. I want you to look at yourself in the mirror, nod and give yourself the wink because you are just fine. You are not icky, you are not terribly weird, you are not an enemy of feminism.

Next.

When you have some spare time, head to your local library or sit down with the Google Machine and start looking at some Sex Positive and Kink positive feminism. Read, absorb. Find what suits you. This is homework and there will be a quiz.

When you find books or blogs or whatever that makes you feel good, report back.

Now the rest of you, I know some of you my homies are kinky people or have some kind of sexual thing that other people would consider icky. Now is your time to share if you feel like it. If you want to be anonymous make sure you log out of your gmail if you have it.

In other news, I am making attempt #5 at the hat tonight. My yarn has been unraveled from the cone shaped ugly thing that was attempt #4.

I will take some pics of attempt #1 because it totally looks like I made a crocheted cock cozy. And it would actually be quite cute for that purpose. Should I make them for etsy?

I haz lols.

Anyway. Tired. Uterus is shedding, body is aching and I am eating things that upset my tummy. Later my Droogies.

Homo Out

Tags: annoyed fat girl, sex advice

Stumble It!

Lube has a flavor?

Megan asks:

ask since you said you were going to talk about supplies anyway... are there any flavored lubes in existence that do not taste like cat ass? I keep buying the little one-use ones at the sex shop and they always disappoint.

Oookay my darling.

Honestly, I have yet to find a lube that doesn't just taste plain weird. The reason behind that is, it's a really bad idea to use anything for flavor that has actual sugar in it. Pussy does not approve of that.

Many women if their pussies are exposed to sugars (honey, food stuffs, 9 and a half weeks style, holler if you hear me) here is what happens.

Pussy: WTF? What is this fuckery OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG there is a disturbance in the force.

And then, you could be brewing a yeast infection and nobody wants that.

Now I will assume that you're intersted in the flavored lube for oral sex of some sort. I'd ask why?

If your partner is of the pussy having variety, I would ask if there is something about how your partners bits taste that bothers you? Pussy all tastes different, and changes depeneding on where she is at in her cycle, her general health, her diet. If there is something about how your partner tastes that is an issue there are good and not so good ways to deal with that.

If your partner is having health issues of some variety don't bug them about it. No seriously don't. If you're really wanting to get a mouthfull, try using a dental dam until the issue is cleared up.

The respectful way of talking to your partner about taste doesn't happen right before you're about to put your face between their thighs. In my opinion, this sort of conversation should be happening at a non-sexual moment when you're both feeling good.

Use your awesome empathy skills, think about how you'd like to be approached.

Now if this is for your partners benefit (as in the flavored lube is going on your parts) and it's not your first choice, maybe that's a conversation you should have together.

Now if this is for cock parts. I suggest just keeping trying out different lubes until you like how one tastes. Although, I am kind of dubious that anything+cock tastes great. Cock tastes just fine by itself.

If your guy (believe me this works) is maybe kinda sweaty in the junk region there is nothing wrong with saying (I blame American Dad for this) "Give your boys a sink bath and get ready!" if you're excited, the man will be excited. Also guys, remember rinse a lot.

Left over soap film can kind of ruin a blow job. So if you're cruising for one, make sure you get all the soap off of your parts. Especially if you are uncut, roll that foreskin back and make sure you rinse under there super great.

Now all you genital having people.

If you really want extra flavor for your oral spelunking in your partners junk try out some of those sex mints. Now I can't say from experience because I've never used them. But you can try.

I do not suggest rinsing with harsh mouthwash beforehand, no Altoids (they are strong enough the oil in them could potentially burn delicate labia), no honey, no fruit, please do NOT PUT FRUITS, PEELED VEGGIES, OR OTHER HOUSEHOLD NOMS INTO ANYONE'S PUSSY PLEASE.

I don't mean to holler but please don't be doing that. And if you absolutely must do it, make sure (this is probably the only time you'll hear me recommend this) douche with plain water very well. You do not want sugary bits of noms in there. Just don't.

Also if you really just don't like the taste of pussy or your partners pussy in particular this can be overcome.

Get yourself some saran wrap and regular lube, lube up one side of the saran wrap and mold that sticky slick lubed side to your partners pussy which is fun in and of itself. Saran wrap is thin enough and a little lube will contour to her. Safe and fun.

Don't want to taste penis? Use a condom. I will say that I've used some minty non latex ones that were not bad at all.

And as promised some advice about what I think everybody should have in their I'm Gettin Some Tool Box.

Safer sex supplies. Especially if you are in a non-monogamous relationship or are cruising for as much booty as you can get. Things to include, latex (or non latex as you prefer) gloves and rubbers. Also, lube. Pick your sort. I myself kinda dig old fashioned no frills KY. Saran wrap or dental dams.

You may also want to have other stuff on hand.

You may want to have some toys handy. I personally like most of my sexy times supplies to be together in one spot. Maybe get yourself a pretty box for your stuff, a fancy bag, a dedicated drawer in the bedside table. If you have rugrats, use locks or put them where the ankle biters can't get to them.

You might want to have a good clit tickler (POCKET ROCKETS FTW), cock ring(s), insert-able toys, your favorite sexy materials. DVD's, books, pictures whatever.

There is no shame in making sure that when you are about to get down, you are adequately prepared to have yourself a good damn time.

Also have a glass of water and towels handy just in case.

Upshot is, you're only really limited by yourself here. Being ready for fun doesn't make you weird, it doesn't make your sex less spontaneous. Nor does it mean you're a slut in the pejorative sense of the word.

Megan baby if you're still with me, report back from the field. I am actually going to make a trip to the porn/toy store here soon like and I will take some notes and get back to you on what I find.

Also probably Monday or Tuesday I have a new question from a BOY. YEAH.

YEAH.

Which makes me wonder, my average size awesome penis having friend who sent in a question yonks ago, how are you? How is your cock?

Tomorrow I have some thoughts about my entry here. Some are actually kind of bemused thoughts, some are vaguely annoyed, and whatnot.

Also you guys were KILLING me with the rampant noms in the food thread there. Holy HOT DAYUM OM NOM NOM NOM. Also the ass mood I mentioned in that entry was totally my migraine pre-warning system going off like DING DING DING DING BITCH DING DING DING DING.

Migraine is still kicking but controlled.

And lasty some sex related links I want you to see.

Today is International Day To End Violence Against Sex Workers. Sex worker rights and safety is a huge HUGE issue to me. Big enough that I can't really be eloquent about it.

Suffice it to say that I believe that sex workers need to be respected, and sex work needs to be decriminalized for the safety of the workers. And also for the safety of those who don't want to be sex workers. I believe that sentient of age human beings have every right to do sex work if they so desire, and further that they have the same rights as any other worker. I also do not believe in shaming sex workers or demonizing sex work. Okay I should stop there but you see where I'm going.

Anyway, go read TastyTrixie's entry on the subject here. Yeah NSFW and as I've mentioned before I do have a bit of a girl crush on her and her partner Delia.

Also go read Audacia Ray's entry about it here.

Essin 'Em posted a call for submissions. All about the intersections of sexuality and ability to put it in a not so great nutshell. Go check that out.

My Seatown homo homies. The Seattle Gay Scene has an awesome schedule of events for the weekend here.

Also I have a big post about the seeming purity tests of Blackness (oh I will get to it) the idea is coming from some recent posts at Racialicious and the like.

I'm working on it. Actually I might post it later.

Okay enough.

Happy Sexing whether it be solo, group, or a fantastic duet in Hot Ass Major. Enjoy yourself. Be safe.

Homo Out.

Tags: annoyed fat girl, sex advice

Stumble It!

Chica my darling.

My Darling Chica sent me this question. Keep them coming my sexed up homies. I got my databse rebuilt and it is accident proof.

I'm having trouble with being able to get my boyfriend inside me on the first try, like for some reason every time I try to get on top of him his penis doesn't just go in, like I have to stop and like do this whole maneuver thing and it's awkward and kills the moment for me....I just want to know if there's anything I can do that will make it easier, to be quite honest it makes me feel like I'm being a bad lover because it looks like I don't know what I'm doing. Help if you can. Thanks.

Dearest darling Chica,
First of all YES you are doing it right! RIGHT!

Second of all you are absolutely not a bad lover sweetheart. You are perfectly normal. I will tell you from lots of experience (I LOVE being on top, and have for more than a decade so I've done the field research) that the porno movies are often incorrect and most of us don't get a bullseye on the first try.

Think of it this way. Unless you are super bendy, you have probably never quite seen your pussy from that angle, nor tried to get something in there from that angle.

Here's what I think you need to do.

First, take a breath and relax. He is totally seriously happy you're there. Believe me baby.

Next. Ease up on yourself. Sex is not serious business. Things happen. And it is perfectly okay to have an oops moment, have a giggle and keep on trucking.

But for the practical advice. When you get on top of your man, while you're getting into your preferred position, give your pussy a nice rub with his cock. If you are at all made like me in the crotchal region, your inner labia may be swollen with arousal therefore making the entrance to your pussy a little harder to get to. No sweat.

My favorite move, rise up on your knees a little, rub your partner where it feels good then, use your fingers to spread your labia, rub your partner between them until you hit the spot then ride to glory my homie.

Also try using a squeeze of lube along your inner labia or on the tip of your partners penis. Not a whole lot just enough to ease entry.

And I am willing to bet that you're having some anxiety. And when you're anxious you can tighten up and that can make getting your partner inside you a little more difficult. Breath, relax. And remember, you are doing it right.

Dykes, you too can use this info. I expect a full report from the field people.

The bottom line Chica, your skillz are not lacking. You like most every other woman are not able to get on top and smoothly like whoa, get your partner inside you in one try. I can't. Most of the women I've been with haven't. You aren't alone, you aren't weird, you are beautiful normal and hot.

So here is my challenge to you my darling, armed with some new info I want you to get all horned up, get on that man and ride him like he doesn't even KNOW what is going on. Then when you are spent and glowing, turn to your man and say, "HELL YEAH!" Take a nap, maybe have a snack, then walk around the next day with one of those knowing little smiles.

Now as for the rest of you.

The above, that is your homework too and yes there will be a quiz. Naw but no seriously go have some fun. It's cold in much of the world and why not spend the winter doing things that make you have a special tingle?

More questions? Awesome send em.

Also folks, I have some stuff to recommend from my personal stash of sexy times supplies. I'll probably do that later this week. Now that I'm finally out of the cold induced fog I've been in I can concentrate to do it. Also, a little reminiscing. And if you're real nice I'll tell you about one of my laughter inducing, should have been embarrassing sexual misadventures.

Until then.

Go forth, have orgasms. Lots of them. Love your genitals. Pet them daily.

Homo Out.

Tags: annoyed fat girl, sex advice

Stumble It!

Right in your pants.

Welcome my darlings to my very first ever sex toy review.

I know something virgin about me, it's shocking.

So here we go.

I picked out prostate massager, from Eden Fantasy's, which says on the package it's a prostate stimulator but I'll say more about that later.

I chose it because I have never owned a waterproof sex toy (shockingly) and I liked the picture.

Let me say first and foremost and please pay attention to this bit if nothing else, I do not recommend this one as a butt toy, either for boys or girls. If you want a butt toy make sure you find something with a flared base or something with a handle, or some other thing at the bottom to make sure you don't get over excited and lose the toy in the great unknown because it's been known to happen.

First impression- looking at it in the package it looks pretty cool. The stimulator portion looked more hooked than I thought it would be but it looked neat. Black, sleek, stylish. I got it out of the packaging and that is where my first moment of WTF is this?

The vibe is covered in a waterproof skin of some sort that I don't like the feel of. It's one of those fingers to brain signals that um, I don't know how much I like this. I got over that quickly enough and took it apart to figure out what to do with it. It runs on a single AA battery which is good because there are tons of those around our house.

I got the battery in and discovered that it's push button operated which I think is pretty cool. I have small hands and sometimes don't like having to stop what I'm doing in order to change my vibrator speed. I just don't dig it. So the push button is really good for me.

It runs on two speeds, if you like really hard vibrating toys this might not do it for you but I liked the lower setting a lot. So into the tub I got. It is waterproof. However if you've never used a vibrator in the tub the sound waves bouncing around in the water can take some getting used to. I didn't really mind it so much.

But I did discover why I don't masturbate in the tub as a habit, at least not since I was a kid. I like to spread 'em and have myself, I don't like being all contorted trying to hit the right spot. I cannot climax that way alone or with a partner. Never have been able to.

The tip of this toy is firm but, moves around a lot if you use a lot of pressure. And insertion sans lube in the tub was a no go for me.

As far as using this occasionally as a clit tickler I think it works beautifully. The curve of the tip if I get it placed right curls right under the shaft of my clit at the bottom, that's a nice thing. But I wouldn't pay that much for that I'd just get another pocket rocket. I will probably try it again in bed or on the floor where I can be more comfortable all the way around.

Now for those looking for (to give or just have) some prostate stimulation find another toy.

First of all, the angle of the head would make it difficult for a man who's not entirely certain where his prostate is to begin with, to find it. Also, if you're by yourself trying to get it inserted properly with the tip going the right way would be difficult. This toy doesn't have any orienting markers.

By this I mean there's no flat spot, or spot with something raised for your fingers to tell you you're on the right track. Minus points.

Also it has no base.

And please, my loves my darlings please do not put things in your butt if the end is rounded like this. Please. Even with a partner, please don't do this. Nobody wants to interrupt a night of lovin' to go to the ER or to fish a toy out of their butt.

Gentlemen, if you want some prostate massaging action and you're with a partner I would suggest something more like this. It has a good sized base, and has a vibrating bullet. That looks like it would be far more awesome for you or a partners booty.

And as a note here.

Before anyone starts looking at their men, or men they know in suspicion of being teh GAY here's some info.

All men, gay straight bi whatever have something called a prostate gland. And while this part does have some awesome biological functions, it also when massages, pressed or otherwise stimulating can, in effect blow a mans spine out the top of his head when he orgasms.

And everyone loves a good orgasm. So if your man, or whatever man wants something in his butt it does not mean he's turned suddenly gay and the next thing you know he's cruising for some deep dicking from some dude. It just means he has discovered his BOOM button as one man I know used to call it. And this is good and yes normal and enjoyable for everybody.

It's only gay if it involves more than one cock and I'm not talking about a strap on.

Are we on the same page?

Awesome.

Now some tips about getting into butt play.

You need supplies for this. I really don't think anal pleasure is something you wanna do on the spur of the moment. This info is from experience and is handy for whatever version of sex you're doing. Gay, straight, bi, group, solo whatever.

First you need lube. Do not be afraid of the lube. Use whatever kind you like. Keep it on hand and be liberal with it.
Clean butthole. If you want to get into anal play I highly suggest while you're bathing start getting into running your fingers around in the area and even a little bit inside. It can make things easier and you can get used to having someone touching you there.
Gloves. Not the yellow dishwashing gloves. But latex or latex free gloves. Safety first people. And the texture of these kinds of gloves can make getting in there a little easier going.
Rubbers for your toys or for your penis.
Patience.
Patience.
Deep breathing.
And clear communication.

If you are getting your butt played with, don't be shy about telling your partner to slow down, or speed up, or don't move or whatever.
If you re playing with someone's butt, listen attentively. Be nice. Rub their lower back, remind your partner to breathe. Be their very own cheerleading section.

Do you need further instruction?

Let me take a moment go to and pick up Bend Over Boyfriend and Bend Over Boyfriend 2 if you are a boy girl couple or don't mind seeing some boy girl action. I have seen a lot of anal sex porn, I have read a lot about anal sex and have done some butthole invading of my own but, Bend Over Boyfriend has seriously got the best no nonsense visual instruction ever. Also the people in them aren't porn stars. They look like they could be your neighbors which I also appreciate.

The first one is more instruction, the second one is more eye candy. Both are really really hot.

To sum this up, that toy was not made of butt area or clit area super win. I will use it again, probably with Uniballer as a clit stimulator if any of my other ones are out of reach.

That said, go poke around at Eden Fantasy's, thanks to them and to AAG for this opportunity. The website is very user friendly, lots and lots of product reviews, there is a blog all sorts of adult naked solo or group fun times things. And I really appreciate having the chance to do this review for them.

Also I really appreciate the chance to maybe pass along good info. This is awesome.

Stay tuned, I have some orgasm questions to answer that I needed to do some research for. Also I am going to start giving you guys some awesome sex blog links and reviews because I read a ton of them and like to share.

That's all.

Remember folks, love the one who loves you the most. I give you the green light to masturbate until you pass out. Bring a friend and remember to keep a glass of water handy.

Homo Out.

Tags: annoyed fat girl, sex advice

Tags: annoyed fat girl, sex advice

Stumble It!

Bigger faster and hot damn.

Okay my darlings.

First, I finally got some fucking sleep how awesome is that? Granted I was drugged out of my wee gourd but yeah sleep.

Now it's sexy times folks.

Reader Megan asks:

This is really a two-part question. One, I just read your entry on the reverse-cowgirl position and I'm dying to try it because it seems to sound perfect, but I can't help asking anyway - do you have any other positions to suggest? Stuff that might help: We're both big, but I'm much bigger than he is. I have a bad back that doesn't let me do regular cowgirl. :( And he loooves butts so if he gets to get his hands on it that's a plus. (Can't in regular cowgirl, I'm too big for him to reach.) Second part of the question: I can't get off from penetration, only from clit stimulation. Actually, only from a very specific kind of clit stimulation: lying very still, fantasizing, and touching in a very specific way. Not very condusive to happy-fun-time for both of us, it's usually one person getting off or the other. Do I need to try to *learn* to get off other ways, or is it that I need to find new ways of having sex that will get me off too?

All right my darling.

First suggestion about positions, get yourself some sex pillows. I suggest going to Big Lots or other similar discount stores and picking up a variety of sizes from square couch pillows to larger pillows. Don't get fancy materials because frankly you're going to jizz on them.

Next thing, absolutely give some permutations of reverse cowgirl a try. Since you have a bad back try leaning over forward with pillows under your front for support, sit up a little when it feels good. That way your boy can get access to the fantasticness that is your booty.

Also I highly recommend some variants of the classic doggy style. Depending on how fat you may or may not be, keep in mind you might need to move your belly to get more comfortable, also mind your thighs. I have big thighs and sometimes need to move my chub to get things going in a pleasing way. Once everything is inserted in position, try easing down onto your belly a bit (again with pillows if you need em), if your bed is low enough try it kneeling next to the bed with pillows for your knees. If your bed is too high, flip around wrap your legs around his hips and lay back and have at it.

Let's not overlook the stand by missionary position. I love that one. Depending on where you position your legs you can create a whole bunch of different sensations. Also right now I am going to recommend keeping your hip muscles nice and limber. I will tell you that was the only thing that ever got me interested in yoga. True facts my friend. I have a crappy back too and found that if my hips are a little more limber, being on my back and putting my legs in various positions for pleasure makes a huge difference.

Again pillows. Put a selection of pillows under your butt and lower back, create a ramp. This can allow for deeper penetration, your lover can sit up straight to watch you in all your hotness and then lower himself when he feels the need.

Take some time and experiment. Look around the house for likely areas that could provide you with comfy back support and a rocking good time. You are not limited by your size, you just have to use some imagination. Just remember when it comes to positions, if something seems like it'll feel good try it out. Just remember if something starts to hurt call a time out for the home team, take a drink of water, shake it off and get back to it.

Now for the second part of your question.

And you got it right Megan. You do need to learn how to get yourself off.

I'm going to guess a couple of things. Whenever you first started masturbating, I imagine it was in super super secret, under the covers trying desperately not to move too much or make too much noise lest you get caught. Now this is how you've been doing it for years and you have your brain (where all the happy fun times starts) trained to respond to the same or very very similar situations.

Am I close?

Okay so the first thing I want you to do is relax and take a day by yourself. Send your lovely boy unit out of the house and take a nap. Just a cat nap, the kind you wake up from feeling all delicious and happy about. Then go do what makes you feel sexy. I'm talking about prepare yourself like you are about to put a serious seduction on.

Do what you do. If that means hot ass make up, crotchless panties and a smile go on. Whatever makes you feel desirable and beautiful spend some time with yourself doing that.

If you're a drinker, have one of your favorite drinks. I'm talking about the good stuff. The stuff that makes you feel fancy. Personally at this point I go for a splendid Jack and coke. Don't get yourself drunk, just get to that relaxed state however you do it.

If you don't see where I'm going here, you are going to skip the dinner and movie and get straight to the taking advantage of yourself.

So to recap you're home alone, feeling sexy and happy and relaxed. This is where I want you to be. Before you get to your hands in your pants I want you to think about whatever it is that gets you squirmy. Maybe pick up some erotica, put on some porn, do whatever you like. Then I want you to put it down.

What you need to figure out Megan is how to disconnect the urgent message that you have to still yourself and only do that one thing. I want you to spend a lot of time just doing what feels good. That could be playing with your nipples, might be stroking a favored spot on the inside of your thigh.

I am also going to guess that you sweetheart are a thinker. I am betting that you have a big sexy brain and once it gets going you have trouble putting the brakes on. That is what you need to practice at. I am a huge advocate of just diddling around (pun totally intended)letting those tingly wonderful sensations run up your nerves to that big sexy brain.

You might not get off the first time you do this. That's perfectly ok. My whole point here is that you are fully free to explore everything else that gives your body a thrill.

I also think you could use some supplies babe. First thing you need a handy dandy trusty Pocket Rocket. 20 bucks and one AA battery later you are ready for launch. A pocket rocket was my very first sex toy. I bought it about a week after my 18th birthday and wore that little sucker out. They are perfect. Small enough to fit in your palm for easy handling, enough buzz to give you a thrill. Practice with it. And by practice I mean masturbate a lot.

Masturbate with your partner, pick up a waterproof one and get it in the shower.

What you want to do Megan is retrain your brain to recognize that oh HAY that feels good too, so does this, and this other thing. I also recommend checking out Fire in the Valley. Old school female masturbation video. I love it.

Remember you are not doing anything wrong as it were. Think about it like learning how to knit socks since you already know how to knit a scarf. And it's more fun.

Other tips. Try just laying back and letting your lover do stuff to you. You never know what you might stumble onto. For this remember to be vocal, if not explicitly than an appreciate noise when he's onto something, nudge him somewhere else if he's not quite there yet.

This isn't going to change over night. And you'll probably get frustrated sometimes but keep at it. You and your lover might never have that mythical simultaneous orgasm but, you could have a lot of fun along the way.

In closing Megan I want you to promise me, you are going to get down with yourself at least twice in the next month. Feel free to report back. Also promise me that you will tell yourself if you start to feel funny about romancing yourself or taking advantage of yourself, look in the mirror and say. Nudiemuse said to touch myself repeatedly so it must be ok.

Keep the questions coming darlings. I am feeling better and raring to go to answer whatever you wanna know.

Next up a talk about using lube, more reverse cowgirl advice, and headaches. Also a new stealth form for you super shy folks. And more.

I love you guys. Actually I will probably get to the first two questions later on this evening.

Homo Out.

Stumble It!

Adventures, Penis and glee.

Welcome to the second edition of Ask NudieMuse brought to you today by hot ass eye shadow and a crapload of coffee.

I've got two excellent questions for today and at the end we'll revisit the Cowgirl a little bit. Ready break GO.

First up a question from Cookie who asks:

Sometimes, I want to get a little wild and weird in the bedroom but I am worried my straight laced partner won't be ready for the kind of things I want to explore. What is the best way to introduce someone to the kinkier side of sex?

Excellent questions. I've actually been asked this many many times.

First thing to think about is that you may have to go kind of slower than you'd want to. Lots of people who aren't into kink yet won't want to go from zero to swinging from the chandeliers while singing the Star Spangled Banner and wearing assless chaps. But there is hope. Remember sex is not serious business and there's no absolute right or best way to introduce some kinky fun into your sex life.

There are several ways you can go about this with a straight laced partner. If you are the sorts to talk about sex a lot, just come out with it. You can say something like, "honey we have hot sex and I would be really into you spanking me/pulling my hair/calling me a bitch next time. Could you get down with that?" Naturally you don't have to quote me verbatim but whatever way of asking works for you.

If you're a little shyer about your wannabe kink, you can start small. Ask for a hair tug while you're mid coitus, send your lover a hot story featuring your kink, there are tons and tons and tons of free erotica on the web just a click away. I always also advocate watching porn you like with your partner. I look at it this way, I like porn you like porn, let's watch some porn together. Share and share alike.

If after a little exposure your partner is still a little reticent to make with the whatever you're into, take it slower. Maybe have a cuddle and talk dirty to your partner. Spin a yarn if you will, a dirty dirty yarn. Or if you're not quite up to that head on over to your local bookstore and cruise the dirty books section. You don't have to buy but feel free to flip through a few that fit in with what you're wanting do to and get some ideas.

Some people are just not into kink and some people once they get a taste go buck wild crazy. And lots of people fall somewhere in the middle. The most important thing is to be empathetic, listen, speak truthfully and have fun together. Another quick idea, if you are the nerdy sort share some links. If you have trouble articulating what you want, let the net do the work for you. A quick google search of your kink will yield a million and five results, look at them together. Blush, giggle and enjoy.

You know what else is awesome sometimes? The element of surprise. Now this might scare some straight laced partners but, it might be just what the doctor ordered. Come to bed with a few bits of sexual hijinks paraphernalia smile at your partner and say, let's GET IT ON. If pressed for an explanation tell your lover that you have been wanting to do this with him/her and weren't sure what to say exactly, and as they say action is better than words. Key word there is ACTION.

Most people don't go from zero to KINKY super quickly. Feel free to take your time, a little hair pulling, a little spanking, maybe a blindfold. Go with what you feel and what you like. Experiment, unlike chemistry class your private sex ed won't result in explosions of the dangerous kind, just the fun kind.

Also before I move on let me say one more thing. Never ever feel guilty, weird or bad because you want to do something kinky. If you would like your partner to smear cake on your ass and stick a birthday candle in it while you caw like a crow on drugs, it's your business, lay down a tarp and have at it. No one has the right to dictate to you what you and your consenting adult partner get up to.

Now go forth, do something kinky and enjoy.

Next up, my first question from a BOY and as I said yesterday YAY.

Ian asks:

Is a five inch penis adequate?

First Ian read this then follow my instructions. Find a mirror where you can see your crotch, take your pants off and look at your penis and repeat after me.

My cock is motherfucking magnificent. (If you find yourself doubtful say this) My cock is motherfucking magnificent and I know this because Nudiemuse says so and she knows from magnificent cocks.

Say that two or three times, give yourself a little love squeeze and come back.

No really go ahead I'll wait.
.
.
.
Back now? Great.

When it comes to cocks, the old adage that size matters I think is bullshit meant to make people who have cocks feel weird and bad. The fact is it doesn't matter how big your cock is if you don't know how to use it.

Big cocks are great for some things. Porn for example. Modeling mens gstrings, stripping, being the mold for sex toys.

Cocks that aren't so big, are great for all sorts of things too. Doing it with hot people, not scaring off potential lovers, fitting into very tight places.

I will tell you sweets that some people prefer a bigger dick. Some people don't. Just like some people are really into a big old booty, other people not so much. As far as your cock being adequate I am willing to bet you five dollars and a full frontal nudie picture that your cock is perfectly fantastic.

What matters more in my view is ability, technique and all the wonderful things that make a person a good lover that don't directly involve your genitalia. Are you willing to listen to your partner? Take care with your partner? Are you appreciative and respectful of your partners?

If you can say yes to those fantastic.

There are lots of other factors other than penis size that can make a man a bad or inadequate lover. If I were you I'd not worry so much about how big or not big my cock is and just be a damn good lover.

If you are really not feeling so great about yourself and your penis, give some head. No seriously, become a pussy eating or cock sucking expert. I'm talking make your partner crawl up the wall howling because you have a tongue of might. There is absolutely nothing wrong with compensation if you feel like you need to.

Do what makes you feel good.

If that means you become super stamina man hell yeah.

Maybe become an anal expert? Hell yeah.

Fact is Ian, your penis is great. Your penis is beautiful and wonderful. If someone doesn't like it as much as you do, it's not your problem and it's not an issue of whether or not your parts are adequate. I also will tell you to try watching some amateur or real people porn.

The people in these are just like you. They are not John Holmes, and they probably don't look like they are going to put your eye out with their cocks.

Want some data that I can't find links for? Okay baby just for you.

The average penis is 5.0 inches erect. That means you babe.

Also some personal info just for you. I am not a size queen. I am not really that into big cocks. I'd prefer a man lover with a smaller one than a bigger one for several reasons.

Most of the men who I've slept with who have had big or even huge cocks I was not really impressed. For one thing, I don't like my fucking cervix being sore every time I have sex. Which can easily happen if your partner has a big cock and isn't very careful with it.

Also in my experience (your mileage may vary of course) actual size of the penis hasn't impacted my overall impact of my pleasure. A man who pays attention to what gets me off has been and probably always will be preferable to a man with a big cock.

Still with me? Good. Now in conclusion it boils down to this Ian. Being a good or excellent lover has less to do with your crotch than it has to do with the sexiest part of your body, your brain baby. Your brains win over your penis size any day.

Now let's revisit Reverse Cowgirl for fatties for a minute.

I had a reader who didn't quite get it. This is for you sugar.

Step by step here's getting into position.

You (the one getting penetrated) I will call The Rider, your partner is your Mount.

The mount lays down on his or her back. If needed tuck a pillow or two under their hips (don't forget to support the lower back). Position your mount with legs spread a little and bent at the knee a tad so there is some space under there.

Rider, on your knees and back up towards your mount until you are within penetrating range. Grab a pillow to support your front if you need it, then one of you aim and slide on home.

Make adjustments accordingly to what is most comfortable for you and your partner. Let the booty grabbing fun begin. Adjustments can be made for the size of you and your partner, for anything. If you have trouble with her feet tucked under the thighs of your partner, try laying forward a little so you're less hip thrusting than you are hip grinding.

Remember there is no "right" way to do it. The only right way is the way that feels the best for you which may not work for me.

Next time I'll answer a question about how to learn new ways to get off, more positions for fat lovers and for fun some talk about your genitals.

As always keep your questions coming, go have some sex and enjoy yourself. Don't forget the lube. Send your curious self (or curious friends) here to find out how to get your question in. And on that page find out how to link to my question page. Steal it, link it, spread the word.

Homo Out.

PS...Remember this is supposed to be happy fun times not hard work.

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