All I can do is fashion.
So much of the world is so terrible right now I can’t.
So let us fashion.
First, I have again had this entire need, terrible need to change my aesthetic again.
All I want to wear are leggings, shoes like those and big tops of varying sorts. Tights, layers.
Almost every Fall since I was about 30 I have sworn i will master layering but I fail ever time. I find myself entirely absurd in how bad I am at putting the right fabrics together so things don’t slide apart. That is usually my problem is that I pick fabrics that are too silky and things fall off.
The other problem is that if you’ve followed me from blogger to here you know the size of my ass changed. Now that I am emotionally pretty okay with it, I realize that I replaced basically none of my essential clothing. All my panties, pants and shirts are too big. I have two bras that are the proper size. Half of that problem has been money but the other half as I figured out recently has been fear.
What if my body changes again?
That is something I worry about. Doesn’t matter if it is weight gain or loss, I just can’t afford to be buying pants every time my body does a thing.
I forget my own advice a lot.
I keep trying to con myself into believing that my happiness when I look exactly how I wanna look is fleeting or unimportant.
And it’s just not.
Part of me realizing that it is in fact okay to be sad when I can’t look how I want to. I have a job where I can look however I want.
I’m almost 40.
I can look how the fuck I want.
Part of my very recent decision to start unfucking my wardrobe has been doing the series at Xojane. I have been reminding myself that if I am telling other folks they are worth doing the things they can afford and whatnot so am I right?
Because we really need to move I have been putting a huge amount of pressure on myself to try and bring in more money. My side hustles, freelancing. I’ve been slowly using some of my current freelance income to pay for things like my cell phone and coffee outside of teh household budget.
This has proven difficult and I have not been great at not being a total asshole about it to myself.
I’ll be touching on this in my next article.
But since this is my litterbox I can spill all my feelings here.
I’m feeling like I have fucked up royally by not being responsible and getting new drawers and pants before it starts getting cold. And on the other side of that coin I feel upset that I don’t have stuff to wear that fits and that I really like.
And then of course I feel like, well if I just do more X thing maybe I will deserve it.
But I deserve it now. Just because.
This shit is fucking hard y’all.
With the support of Uniballer after I get paid tomorrow I am going to buy some shirts and underwear that are the proper size, not faded or otherwise raggedy.
I am also going to buy one more pair of pants.
I have discovered that currently my ass and Dickie’s Girl brand pants are real good buddies. I’ve got a pair of teh skinny straight legs and am going to get the boot cut.
They aren’t quite the heavy twill fabric of the 90s that I used to wear all the time but they’ll do.
I am also going to buy my next wig. Y’all know I do what is part of the crown and glory method for my hair where I will be covering my hair through fall and winter. We’ll talk about it later.
I am ready.
I have a plan and I am going to try really hard not to screw myself out of or talk myself out of the style I want to cultivate for Fall and Winter. I know some people think this is incredibly stupid and I can say with confidence that, that in general doesn’t play into my feelings.
And to quote my dear friend Haddayr, I am feeling the fuck out of my feelings. I have even been expressing those feelings to people and that shit is also hard as fuck but I am doing it.
Next time we’ll talk about how feeling vulnerable and talking about it makes me want to headbutt a wall.