Tag Archives: body politics

Fall is Coming.

As much as I love heat and summer I am pretty ready for fall.

It is a terrible state of affairs to realize that you love the heat and not being cold but hate sweating for no good damn reason.

So fuck yes fall.

In the last few years I’ve started indulging my love of changing my appearance and using it as a reason to celebrate the season change and do some nice stuff for myself.

One of the things Fall means is that I am gearing up to do what’s called the Crown and Glory method with my hair.

Basically, I’m going to be doing what’s called protective styling (in my case I will flat twist my hair and wear wigs) to get a good handle on retaining length through the wet and cold weather.

My prep begins with picking a new wig. Last year it was a red on top black on bottom curly one. This year I’m going for a whole other look with this ombre black to grey wig.  We all know I don’t really care about realness I just wanna feel pretty and I LOVE this look.

Next thing is to dig out my Sock Dreams stash. Matter of fact right now I am wearing a pair of M Ribbed Stockings . At ten bucks they are really great. They fit me well and they are warm. I will probably pick up a few more pairs. See in the photo below I’ve paired them with a hi-low black and white striped summer dress layered with a sweater.

 

My fat hams with my high socks.

My fat hams with my high socks.

I also after a lot of hemming and hawing on my part bought myself a pair of shoes I’ve been lusting after since last season. I waited and waited, talked myself out of them and then I found a mega epic deal on them. This was one of those moments where I’d saved up and put aside some freelance and side hustle money for new boots and then this happened:

YRU Hercules boots.

YRU Hercules boots.

They are so cute. I had been wanting a pair of similar Jeffrey Campbell boots but I couldn’t really find a good deal on them and we know I hate paying retail for stuff. I wore them for the first time the other day and they are very comfy. They are veggie leather so I am going to have to treat them with mink oil because they are really squeaky and have that gross poly stink that veggie leather has.

Other than that, I am so into them. They fit right in with my fall winter plan of wearing a lot of lettings, skinny jeans and layers. I’m very excited.

I am feeling that huge beautiful feeling I have when I look just how I want to. Now that I am finally coming to terms with the changes in my body and accepting that there is just nothing I can do about it and denying myself pants that fit isn’t going to help my situation, I am really excited about walking around feeling good in my skin and how I’m decorating my ass.

Relearning to accept my body and treat it well even when it is doing stuff I’d rather it not do has been really hard. I’ve been at such a loss as to how to even talk about it or feel about it given my fatty leanings. I finally told myself to shut up because frankly my views haven’t changed just my ass.

What bothers me the most is that even after all these years of FA and body politics, it is still so easy to fall into the self loathing. Even with such deeply held beliefs, it is still so easy to buy the bullshit.

And then I have to remind myself that I’m human.

Humans fundamentally do a lot of things that are not awesome and often to ourselves.

Dear Self,

Calm down. You are okay.

Love,

Me.

Okay homies that is kind of all right now. OH no wait I have an official author facebook page now (did I even tell y’all that?) and you can keep up with my no blog writing there.

Also I want to let you know that you have until Monday the 22nd to pick up the current version of my self care book. I will be taking it down so my publisher and I can get going on rewrites and everything else. So get it here if you want this version because the next incarnation, is going to be epic.

Next time I will come back with some make up reviews and talk about some WOC led beauty channels I’ve found.

Homo out.

 

 

On Keeping track of myself and whatnot.

I am trying to teach myself to use technology, my smart phone and whatnot to keep better track of myself and I am learning some interesting things.

We know I am pro selfie. Take them, post them, talk about how hot you are.

Another thing I love about selfies is that they help me keep track of my face. Sometimes I feel like I am face blind to myself. Not that I literally forget what I look like but I get so wrapped up in everything else in life, I forget to look at my face.

My face today;

blowface

 

I took that after running around doing things and finally getting a second to sit down and sip my coffee and try to stop grinding my teeth.

A couple of months ago my Partner decided he was done hearing about/looking at my janky ass old phone. It was dying a slow terrible rage inducing death. So now I have a modern (as in is not 4 years old) phone that does a lot of things. One of the things it does is has multiple alarms and calenders, AND my favorite thing I’ve been using an app called Nexercise.

I’ve tried a few other exercise tracking apps and found them to be heavy on the weightloss and bullshit and we know I’m not into that.

It is not perfect but what I do like is that I can get points for rewards AND keep track of what I want to keep track of without messages telling me to lose weight or anything.

I’m also keeping track of my periods and how my skin looks.

What I’m finding out is that I am doing better than I thought I was.

What I mean by that is I have in the past year or so felt like I have not been good at taking care of my health and being a human. Not exercising enough, not eating well enough not being good enough at taking care of my body as it changes.

After a few months of consciously keeping track of myself this way I realized that holy shit, i am doing the thing.

I am doing Intuitive Eating as best I can. I eat when I’m hungry. If I can afford it I eat as I please. My digestive issues are way fewer and more far between, A while back I was feeling like I could not do intuitive eating “right”. I felt like i was failing at it really hard and the whole idea was stressing me out.

I spent some time re-reading about intuitive eating and reminding myself that while no the signals my body sends aren’t always the ones I expect but that I should listen.

It is working. I am pretty good at reading the signs that I need to eat, I’m realizing what foods I can and can’t tolerate and if I can’t tolerate them how much I can have before I feel like I’m going to poop my pants or be constipated.

I have regular good poops.

I exercise all together a lot. I average between 35-45 minutes a day all told. Not more than my body can handle but what feels like just enough to maintain my weight, feel good and shit.

I take my vitamins.

I got a water bottle that helps me track how much water I take in because too much and my kidneys hurt.

I am trying to work with myself on health problems that are lingering and that I’ve had for years and that I have a bad habit of exacerbating because of things like stress and whatnot.

I want to attribute my newfound dedication to preserving myself to the fact that I am racing toward 40 and I just cannot bull my way through health problems.

I still get frustrated when my knees hurt or my back starts knotting up so much I can’t sleep but it is getting easier for me to track the causes and ways I deal.

I really encourage those who also have some issues taking care of their health in a kind way, to try some of this stuff out. For me the real key was finding ways to aid in my care without it turning into disordered behaviors.

For those with serious disordered histories or other mental illnesses that can impact this sort of thing, it can be a fine line between things are okay and everything is terrible so proceed with caution. Try one thing at a time.

This whole process of relearning and learning new ways of caring for myself. I want to nurture myself to 40.

I want to arrive at 40 feeling myself and feeling enough confidence in my own ability to work myself out, that I don’t know.

I’m not saying I want to be better than whatever age or anythign like that but I want to make it to 40 with some things worked out. I want to strut into 40.

For so many years I thought 40 wasn’t going to be really attainable.

Now I’m so close, I’m fucking alive. I survived so much I’m ready.

I want my silver hairs, I want my little Crow’s feet, I want my 40 year old ass, I want all those years under my belt so I can rev up to 50.

Now what else?

OH I am wearing my favorite 5$ dress ever. I call it my Grandma’s Couch sundress and it is gaudier and more awesome up close. See it below.

dress

 

LOOK at the print.

This dress is about two sizes too big and I wear it with an equally violently pink cami underneath and I feel adorable. It is loose and comfy. Probably the best cheap dress I’ve ever purchased.

Let this be your daily reminder that it is really fucking awesome to feel good in your clothes.

Homo Out

OH wait PS.

I am still working out my commenting. I do not like the onboard comment system so I may move to disquis.

Stay tuned.

Musings on Using Thin Privilege and whatnot.

Right now my body is a size that means I have some degree of thin privilege.

Not a whole bunch but some.

This was my outfit from the other day.

ootd

I am not really as small as I look sometimes because of how I wear my clothes but I am not visually obviously still fat. It is quite a thing.

If you ask most medical professionals I am about to drop dead any minute.

Ask me and I’m borderline close to being too small to feel comfortable.

That aside, I am relearning how to use my degree of thin privilege to further my ideas about bodies and fatness.

For instance.

Not too long ago an indie designer I have admired for a very long time sent me a message on tumblr to tell me that something or other of theirs was back in stock, I had commented on a post about it months ago.

I went off to look and saw that their current sizing is bizarre. As in their size L had an upper measurement of a 30″ waist and 38″ hip.

So this person from looking at some photos of me assumes that I am relatively normatively sized and when I asked them privately about their jacked up sizing, they asked what I was worried for?

Well a.) the size L would be too small for me and b.) I am here for fat people.

Even though I am not currently sized out of a lot of clothes, I am still sized out of a lot of clothing I like. So I get my foot in because I have some thin privilege and then I start talking about fat folks and I still will not accept that making clothes for fat or really fucking fat people is impossible.

Size matters regardless of what size I am.

Said designer isn’t speaking to me anymore.

What irritates the shit out of me is the presumption that in order to care about a thing, in this case fatness you have to exemplify the thing.

No.

Even if you didn’t know that I was fatter at one point, the thing to know is that my point is still valid.

Why isn’t this available in bigger sizes is a serious question.

What irritates me even more is that now that I look not fat, (not thin but not really fat) people want to listen to what I have to say. I don’t like it. You should have listened when I was fucking fat.

At least fat in the someone looks at me and knows I’m fat kind of way.

Given that I don’t wield a lot of privilege in other ways, I am kind of enjoying learning to use it as a weapon. For good that is.

I will say that while I do have this bit of thin privilege I can’t say that I identify with thinness or even average-ness on a personal level.

Being that my perspective on body politics is a fat shaped (both identity and physically) lens, I am finding it easier to reject the idea that I am supposed to be happy with my weight loss or talk about it positively. Emotionally that has actually made the change in my body way easier to deal with and talk about in a truthful manner.

The truth is I am still not thrilled about it. I am accepting it as something my body decided to do and trying to maintain my health without bullshit.

But I am not really happy about it and that is okay.

This is something I’ve settled on fairly recently. Trying to deal with my negative feelings about my weight coupled with being uncertain if I should keep talking fatness etc was rough on me.

And then of course I went back to some core FA things.

  1. The size of my ass doesn’t change who I actually am.
  2. Smaller ass does not miraculously  make life better.

Concepts that I have talked about for years and really needed to remind myself of in recent times.

It will never get old to have that core to fall back on when shit gets rough regardless of the actual size of my ass.

That said.

Let this be my perhaps monthly reminder that Fat Acceptance is good for everyone.

Everyone.

Homo Out.